If You Only Knew

I received an email tonight, asking me if what I was going through over these last 7 months was worth it. And without any hesitation, I said Yes. I wouldn't change a thing. So he asked me why? Why, as a woman, would I put myself in this kind of situation that leaves you alone, vulnerable, powerless at times, overwhelmed and most nights, in tears. And my answer was this: Have you ever stopped dead in your tracks and looked around you to see where your life was headed? Was this the path you'd chosen? Or was is dictated to you? Was it "safe" so you went along with it, not knowing what would happen, but as long as you were "comfortable", that's all that mattered? Whatever happen to having expectations? Aspirations? Achievements? A real life. Leaving behind a legacy that people will one day and look back on and say "yes, she did great things with her life...he family and friends would be proud"? How many people truly view our existence in this ...

I ran this morning, thinking about Matt and our life together. No matter what anyone says, it’s the simple things that you miss the most when your spouse is gone and it’s these memories I cherish every single second he’s away. I’d hear my alarm go off at 5:15 each morning. I’d hit the snooze button, roll over and throw my arm over him. He’d move just the tiniest bit, acknowledging my gesture. I’d move in a little closer, pressing my body as tightly next to his as I could, sometimes throwing my leg over his. I’d hear him moan softly and push himself against me. He’d inhale deeply as I’d nuzzle my chin into the sweet spot of his neck. His sigh of content always gave me the biggest smile. We’d lay there for about 15 minutes until I’d hear my alarm going off again, signaling me that cuddle time was over. As I moved to shut it off, I’d hear his small groan and I’d giggle. Finally, I’d roll out of bed, heading toward the kitchen to make our coffee. I’d make my rounds to the kids, telling t...

I spent a better part of my life worrying over events of the past that I had absolutely no control over. Because that's who I was. Or at least that's who I defined myself as. A control freak. At age 32, it took that span of my life to realize I cannot control what other people do. Or how they react to situations. Or how they treat you as a person. I once saw a quote that stated, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours". It clicked with me. Revelations come to me at the most unusual times. Yesterday was one of those times. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden, the thought of my mother popped in my head. For so long, I was jealous of other women and girls who had such wonderful mother/daughter relationships. I wanted that so badly for myself but was never able to get there. And as I struggled to get through this week, I couldn't help be think "anyone else's mom would be comforting and supportive." I haven't hea...