difference

I received an email tonight, asking me if what I was going through over these last 7 months was worth it. And without any hesitation, I said Yes. I wouldn't change a thing. So he asked me why? Why, as a woman, would I put myself in this kind of situation that leaves you alone, vulnerable, powerless at times, overwhelmed and most nights, in tears. And my answer was this:

Have you ever stopped dead in your tracks and looked around you to see where your life was headed? Was this the path you'd chosen? Or was is dictated to you? Was it "safe" so you went along with it, not knowing what would happen, but as long as you were "comfortable", that's all that mattered? Whatever happen to having

expectations? Aspirations? Achievements? A real life. Leaving behind a legacy that people will one day and look back on and say "yes, she did great things with her life...he family and friends would be proud"? How many people truly view our existence in this way? Statistically- less than 50%. They take life for granted, believing it's just going to "be here". How naive.

In the Fall of 2009, my day came. I'd gotten home that night and I was in the kitchen getting ready to cook. Something out of the ordinary caught my eye. It was my laptop and there was an email opened. This email changed my entire life in that split second. C walked into the kitchen, spoke and then walked around like nothing had happened. I placed both hands on the island and stood there quietly, but I could feel the rage rising inside me quickly. I closed my eyes, lowered my head and inhaled deeply; slowly. He walked up behind me and I whirled around and screamed "Don't touch me ever again"....those words would soon be the end. He looked at me, bewildered and asked "what in the hell is wrong with you?" And I went OFF. To date, that had to have been the worst meltdown in my entire life. And as the words and anger and tears poured from my heart and soul...what emotion I had left for that man disappeared. I was empty. At that particular moment, I realized I had nothing left for this man. Nothing. In 13 yrs of my life, I let one single human being have so much control over my life, he sucked me completely into nonexistence.

After signing those papers, I remembered passing by a mirror in my attorney's office. I walked by it so quickly, I didn't bother to check my reflection. I stopped and looked back for a moment. I'd noticed the silver peppering the temples of my hairline. No makeup. Small wrinkles forming in the creases of my eyes and the dark circled bags. I looked like I was about to die.

Several months later, I met Matt. Cliche; say what you want. This man changed my life. I cannot begin to tell you how much he's changed my entire view on life & society but most importantly- myself. I'd set out on this new journey to "find me" and discover who I was and not what someone defined me as. While I might be a mother and wife, those were titles I wore. They didn't define me or who I am as a woman.

Discovering ones qualities is a difficult task. We don't talk about ourselves. We are humbled, not egocentric. But being forced to describe myself...these are qualities I believe I hold true to...

Compassionate-Loyal-Protective-Self sufficient-Protective-Determined-Sincere-Tolerant-Passionate-Devoted-Facetious-Witty-Intelligent-Affectionate-Stable-Tenacious

These describe who I've become. God has blessed me with talents and abilities to withstand whatever He places in my path. Whether it be a detrimental divorce or the insatiable man who sweep me off my feet in one night; God prepared me for every single step I would take in this life.

Sitting in the tub tonight, I was shaving and began noticing the small details that most would never pay attention to. The lack of fat that was built up around my knees and joints. Running my hand up the left side of my shin to my knee...it was skin and bone and muscle. No more fat. It was detailed, with lines and dips and definition. And then I thought back to the last 6 months of this deployment and saw what it had done for me; TO me. I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. I'm stronger; although at times, I feel like I'm weaker than wet toilet paper. I'm independent. I'm compassionate, loyal, protective, attentive, self sufficient, determined, sincere, tolerant, passionate, devoted, facetious, witty, intelligent, affectionate, stable and tenacious.

I found who I am. And I'm nothing like I was. So again-Yes. Yes, it's worth it. It's changed my life in ways unimaginable. It has shown me that God has me here for a purpose-for His purpose. To mold me and build me into the wife that Matthew needs for me to be and for the mother our children need for me to be. To prepare me for our lives together as a family. I wouldn't trade a single tear shed if it meant that I can stand proudly next to my husband with love and honor, knowing he has all the faith in me he needs to prepare for the next time and for the rest of our lives.