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peace

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Things have never quite been this way before. Every time something really good has happened, the other shoes drops and I’m let down or disappointed. I’m not quite sure how to take all this in. I wake up in the morning thinking… “Soon this will all be over” but then I’m surprised that it’s not. It’s a new feeling. It’s hard to explain. When you are used to things being a certain way because it’s been like that for the last 13 years, it makes you a bit insecure because you are waiting for things to fall apart at any moment. I’m not fond of feeling insecure. No one is. It’s the feeling like “this is too good to be true”.

I was at one time, hopelessly in love. There were moments in my marriage where I was deliriously happy but it only last for moments at time. It was never a continual on going process. I know that every relationship has up and downs. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise. But events that played out in my past relationship could have been avoided simply by making smarter decisions on both parts. I don’t blame him 100%. I never have. I wanted to but in my heart I knew it wasn’t his entire fault. Everyone argues about money or little things around the house. You pick and choose your battles but some things…

Right now, I breathe a sigh of relief. Relief because my life is no where near close to what it was 5 years ago or even a year ago. Sleepless nights of wondering…crying myself to sleep worrying… I feel like 500 pounds was taken away from me.

A month after my divorce, I questioned my decision. Did I make the right decision for myself-my kids-my finances? It was a huge step for me. It took a lot of courage but in my heart and my mind, I knew I did what was right. My only struggle now is my finances and making sure my kids have all they need. No more late night worries or crying myself to sleep. Financial struggles …I will take that any day of the week for peace of mind.

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