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definition of me

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A few days ago, I wrote a blog post. A very deep and personal blog post. I debated on whether I should publish it. After sharing it with a few people closest to me in life, I made the decision not to make it public.

It was one of those moments where I needed to get my feelings on paper. Having read it days later and listening to my friends, I realized it was a very angry blog. It was about my mother. Anyone that knows me, knows that it's been an ongoing battle as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, it's one that I have lost.

Last year, I made the difficult decision to invite her back into my life. What made it so difficult? I didn't even discuss it with my husband before I made the decision. I was afraid he'd talk me out of it and I needed this courage. See, Matt was coming home for four days before he went off to Iraq. Now, don't think for a single moment that I did not believe my husband wasn't coming back to me. BUT...you just don't play with fate about some things. I had the idea that I'd like my parents to meet my incredible husband before he went off to war. I took a leap of faith and prayed hard. His first night home, we went out to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. She called me. I honestly didn't think she would. So I invited them to the house to cook out with us for the weekend. It went very well; better than I'd hoped. Matt's concern was that I'd get hurt again. I wish I'd have let him talk me out of it in the beginning...

So now here we are, a year later and I'm the bastard child again. I'm almost 33. My heart just cannot handle the pain anymore. It's affecting my life in ways I just don't want it to anymore. I'm a good person. Anyone who's been apart of my life can vouch for that. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I was born this way. I guess my problem is that I thought- "if she cannot accept me for who I am, neither can I". She doesn't define me. She only gave birth. She does not make me who I am. I don't need her approval to be the woman I was meant to be. I cannot allow someone to have this much control over my life any longer. I went through that bullshit with my ex husband. I refuse to continue like this.

So each day is a step I take in the discovery of me. Some people might think that is so simple. Really, it's not. I've allowed my life to constantly revolve around what one person thought of me. I sat in bed the other night, having a very intimate conversation with Matt and the words escaped me.."she was right. I'm never satisfied." Of course Matt completely disagreed. In that moment, I became so angry and I allowed her words to consume me for days.

I'm tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm ready to get to that point in my life where I can finally let go and move on. I want to be there. I'm not sure how to get there but I'm willing, 110%. I'll take each day a step at a time but I plan to get there sooner than later. I will get to the day where the only one who defines me, is me.

Happy Tuesday :)

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