If You Only Knew

I found myself in a funk over the weekend. One of those "I cannot tolerate people" moods. I just wanted to be left to my own devices. I got what I asked for. Hubby had to work all weekend and the kids have managed to keep themselves preoccupied at the neighbors. So I decided to take advantage of this beautiful weekend and I washed my car. I got more than I bargained for. My mind went into deep thought and I was overrun with emotional trauma. Anything and everything you could think of went through my head. It can be pretty overwhelming. I didn't plan to attend church today. I would have been content laying in bed all day, moping about. My kids, on the other hand, love being in church and so I am very grateful for their motivation to get me up and out. After church I came home and found myself once again, alone. A friend passed on some bad news and I instantly started to cry. My heart broke to pieces and I began to pray. In the midst of all this, I decided to google ...

So this is where I begin. I don’t know how or what I need to do but here is where I start.   I am angry and hurt. I have been for 18 years of my life. I’ve only recently to come realize it fully. I am angry at my parents for turning their backs on me when I needed them most. I am angry at my father for loving my mother more than me. I am angry at my mother for making me feel as though she never loved me and never wanted me. That is how she made me feel, whether she admits to it or not. I am angry because as a mother to four kids, I cannot EVER imagine turning my kids away, no matter what they do in their lives, good or bad. My parents did that to me. Maybe I was a bad kid; I don’t necessarily agree with that but whatever. No matter what I did to either of them, they NEVER should have turned their backs on me. Never. I am angry at family who never once asked my side of the story and never stood up for me. I love my Grandmother because no matter what, she loved me and stuck h...

For the last few years, I stopped talking about my faith and beliefs. I left a church that made me ashamed of what I believed in because they turned their back on me. It wasn’t about reaching out and helping others. It was about making more money. It was about finding a bigger building. It was about gossip. It stopped becoming about Jesus and serving others. I didn’t want what they were offering anymore. So I left and in my mind agreed that I would never go back. I will be the first to tell you that you do not have to go to church to believe in God. You don’t. Nowhere in the bible does it say that. God says we are to worship and fellowship. We can do that outside of a church building. So for several years, this became my mantra. I didn’t preach at people; I didn’t even talk to people about God. It scares people. It even scared me. I was worried if I would upset someone if I told them about my faith and what I believed. I have seen a lot of my friends turn their backs on faith...