what is whole?

So this is where I begin. I don’t know how or what I need to do but here is where I start.

 I am angry and hurt. I have been for 18 years of my life. I’ve only recently to come realize it fully. I am angry at my parents for turning their backs on me when I needed them most. I am angry at my father for loving my mother more than me. I am angry at my mother for making me feel as though she never loved me and never wanted me. That is how she made me feel, whether she admits to it or not. I am angry because as a mother to four kids, I cannot EVER imagine turning my kids away, no matter what they do in their lives, good or bad. My parents did that to me. Maybe I was a bad kid; I don’t necessarily agree with that but whatever. No matter what I did to either of them, they NEVER should have turned their backs on me. Never. I am angry at family who never once asked my side of the story and never stood up for me. I love my Grandmother because no matter what, she loved me and stuck her neck out for me. I am angry at my mother for turning her back on her own mother. She should be grateful. Those two women are nothing alike. My Grandmother has gone through hell and back for her family, including me.

 My biggest secret of my life- only a handful of people know this and I guess there is no reason to hide it anymore. My parents shoved me in three mental institutions as a child. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was five years old. They labeled me with every single thing they could come up with. In the 80s, doctors didn’t know shit. Looking back now and comparing-all I wanted was a mother who loved me and needed me. She made it very clear she did not. Every single thing I did was little me screaming for attention and love. No, instead it was easier to slap “crazy” on me and throw me into a hospital. So they did. I have the scars to prove it.

 

I feel like I’ve had to keep all these things secret my entire life. I was afraid no one would believe me. So what? I know what happened and God knows what happened regardless of what anyone chooses to believe or accept or deny. It happened. I am sick of feeling like I’m some sort of victim. I’m not. I am a pissed off woman and although I will never get the answers I want out of all this, I have to learn how to let this go and move on with my life. I just do not know how and I am desperately trying. I want to be loved and accepted as I am right now at this very moment and not by who I was 18 years ago. Yet, I am constantly feeling as though I am being punished for my past which is why my parents choose not to be a part of my life now.

 

There is a lot that I don’t remember about my life. No one has been able to tell me why. There are huge chunks of my memories missing. I can only assume I have then blocked out for a reason. Maybe God wants it that way. Most of my good memories are times spent with my grandparents. I remember them being there for me when no one else was.

 

In spite of all this, I turned out as normal as I could be, whatever normal is. I haven’t killed anyone, hell I haven’t had so much as a parking ticket. I am not crazy. I’m just broken. I’m tired of being broken. I have no idea what it feels like to be whole.