I found myself in a funk over the weekend. One of those "I cannot tolerate people" moods. I just wanted to be left to my own devices. I got what I asked for. Hubby had to work all weekend and the kids have managed to keep themselves preoccupied at the neighbors. So I decided to take advantage of this beautiful weekend and I washed my car. I got more than I bargained for. My mind went into deep thought and I was overrun with emotional trauma. Anything and everything you could think of went through my head. It can be pretty overwhelming.
I didn't plan to attend church today. I would have been content laying in bed all day, moping about. My kids, on the other hand, love being in church and so I am very grateful for their motivation to get me up and out. After church I came home and found myself once again, alone. A friend passed on some bad news and I instantly started to cry. My heart broke to pieces and I began to pray.
In the midst of all this, I decided to google "empath". I don't know why this popped into my head but I know I have struggled for many, many years with my heavy emotions. Sometimes I think I take on the world's problems. I feel everything. Sometimes to the extreme.Even McKenzie asked me in church today if my eyes were leaking. They were. I felt the emotions of our pastor; the power in his words. They were incredible but determined. I could feel the love and power in that little room and it was just too much. I can watch something on TV and immediately begin to cry. Or listen to a song and it feels as though my heart is swelling. I cannot listen to my "Jesus music" as McKenzie calls it, without the suffocating need to cry my heart out in gratitude.
Doing some research, I have come to the conclusion that I am an emotional empath. Don't laugh at me; I am not crazy. If you really know me, you'd know this is true. It makes sense. I have issues with large crowds, I always have. I am super sensitive to sounds and I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, along with my heart on my sleeve. I have always had anxiety issues. I cannot take any type of meds that suppress anxiety or depression because they turn me into a zombie. It also explains why I feel the need to shut myself off from the rest of the world when I'm dealing with my own issues. I can only handle so much at a time. It is easier dealing with other peoples' stuff than my own demons. It takes the focus off me and allows me to give more energy to others. I guess you would have to do your own research but I know all of this to be true and if you are around me for longer than 30 minutes, more than likely, you'd see it too.
Unfortunately, my empathy has also allowed people to take advantage of me and that has made me bitter in a lot of ways. I have a huge heart. I love everyone, even the people that have done me wrong. I can't help it, really. I have the mindset that if God can love me just as I am, I should be able to do the same for others. My hard pill to swallow is loving myself. For many years, I believed that if my parents didn't love me, no one would. That is a terrible way to live, trust me. The man who changed my heart-my phenomenal husband. He makes me feel like I am the only person in the world who matters. He's got me perched up on this pedestal and I swear, if I ever fall off, he's right there to catch me. I feel like I can conquer the world with him right by my side. His love shows me how much my God loves me.
Being an empath allows me to have more compassion than most. Experiences in my life allow me to connect with others on a different level. I "get" it when others don't. It also can be a burden and very taxing physically and mentally.. Hence the reason I cut myself off from society. Sometimes, it's just too much. It is easy for me to get in a bad mood when I am around someone being negative. For example, my last job. I came home everyday for the last month absolutely miserable. The atmosphere, the people; it just did not fulfill me at all. No one was social, no one cared. They came there to do their job and that was it. There was nothing rewarding or beneficial. I don't operate that way. I need to be fulfilled. I need to feel like I am doing something good in the world. It is apart of who I am. I feed off that type of stuff. I love being in a positive atmosphere and I worked with people who sucked the life out of me. There was no ultimate end goal for any of them. It was "just a job". WHY do people want to live that way? I cannot. Therefore, I made a move towards something better. Putting a little more love in the world.
A little FYI: http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
I didn't plan to attend church today. I would have been content laying in bed all day, moping about. My kids, on the other hand, love being in church and so I am very grateful for their motivation to get me up and out. After church I came home and found myself once again, alone. A friend passed on some bad news and I instantly started to cry. My heart broke to pieces and I began to pray.
In the midst of all this, I decided to google "empath". I don't know why this popped into my head but I know I have struggled for many, many years with my heavy emotions. Sometimes I think I take on the world's problems. I feel everything. Sometimes to the extreme.Even McKenzie asked me in church today if my eyes were leaking. They were. I felt the emotions of our pastor; the power in his words. They were incredible but determined. I could feel the love and power in that little room and it was just too much. I can watch something on TV and immediately begin to cry. Or listen to a song and it feels as though my heart is swelling. I cannot listen to my "Jesus music" as McKenzie calls it, without the suffocating need to cry my heart out in gratitude.
Doing some research, I have come to the conclusion that I am an emotional empath. Don't laugh at me; I am not crazy. If you really know me, you'd know this is true. It makes sense. I have issues with large crowds, I always have. I am super sensitive to sounds and I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, along with my heart on my sleeve. I have always had anxiety issues. I cannot take any type of meds that suppress anxiety or depression because they turn me into a zombie. It also explains why I feel the need to shut myself off from the rest of the world when I'm dealing with my own issues. I can only handle so much at a time. It is easier dealing with other peoples' stuff than my own demons. It takes the focus off me and allows me to give more energy to others. I guess you would have to do your own research but I know all of this to be true and if you are around me for longer than 30 minutes, more than likely, you'd see it too.
Unfortunately, my empathy has also allowed people to take advantage of me and that has made me bitter in a lot of ways. I have a huge heart. I love everyone, even the people that have done me wrong. I can't help it, really. I have the mindset that if God can love me just as I am, I should be able to do the same for others. My hard pill to swallow is loving myself. For many years, I believed that if my parents didn't love me, no one would. That is a terrible way to live, trust me. The man who changed my heart-my phenomenal husband. He makes me feel like I am the only person in the world who matters. He's got me perched up on this pedestal and I swear, if I ever fall off, he's right there to catch me. I feel like I can conquer the world with him right by my side. His love shows me how much my God loves me.
Being an empath allows me to have more compassion than most. Experiences in my life allow me to connect with others on a different level. I "get" it when others don't. It also can be a burden and very taxing physically and mentally.. Hence the reason I cut myself off from society. Sometimes, it's just too much. It is easy for me to get in a bad mood when I am around someone being negative. For example, my last job. I came home everyday for the last month absolutely miserable. The atmosphere, the people; it just did not fulfill me at all. No one was social, no one cared. They came there to do their job and that was it. There was nothing rewarding or beneficial. I don't operate that way. I need to be fulfilled. I need to feel like I am doing something good in the world. It is apart of who I am. I feed off that type of stuff. I love being in a positive atmosphere and I worked with people who sucked the life out of me. There was no ultimate end goal for any of them. It was "just a job". WHY do people want to live that way? I cannot. Therefore, I made a move towards something better. Putting a little more love in the world.
A little FYI: http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
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