Skip to main content

life will go on...eventually

By
     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be learning for this? So I pray for guidance, understanding and hope that one day I will get some relief from this.

     Asking for help seems to be the least of my concerns anymore…I can’t even open a bottle of water without asking for help. There is no sense in being prideful there. Matt has to help me get up stairs. Just getting out of my car after a 45 minute ride takes my breath away from the pain in my knees and ankles. I cannot describe how much this upsets me…how ashamed it makes me. Yes, ashamed. I can’t do anything that requires strength without asking for help. So if that’s my lesson…so be it.

     I began to think God was being cruel…I tried to believe that for a while. Why would you get me through this surgery to take away one pain only to give me another pain far worse than anything I have ever experienced? (And I’ve given birth twice-I know pain.)  What are you supposed to be teaching me? Not to be prideful? Done. It’s okay to ask for help? Done and done. That it’s okay to be weak? Done. What else? The idea of a brain tumor never scared me for a moment. I cried once; the day I found out. I was more anxious than anything and that was to have the surgery, get on with my life and be pain free. Was that asking too much?


     I am angry. I am beyond frustrated. I’m also tired of going to doctor after doctor after doctor. I now have a specialist for everything! Heart, ENT, brain, nerves, endocrine…I wonder if I collect them all, maybe I’ll win a prize. I am tired of being in pain. I cannot move a single muscle without hurting somewhere. Even my toes hurt. But I will keep going…because I am far too stubborn to let anything defeat me. Somehow, I will find a way to enjoy life again, pain or no pain. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

every day

By
Sitting in the parking lot of Hardee's today, I turned my radio off and just looked around. I watched the numerous cars as they passed by. I watched clouds roll in from the rain. I just stared off, thinking about this place that I call home. It has been my home for the better part of 20 years. It brings me comfort and peace. I feel safe here. Growing up as a military kid, I never knew what home was. I hold on to that sense of safety and security but not naive to the fact that we do not live in a perfect world. Violence can be seen in the news daily; so much so that I grow tired of watching. It's depressing. This morning was no different. Senseless killing of innocent people has been happening in our world for generations. Why is it only recently that more and more people take notice? Because it's hitting way too close to home and people are beginning to realize that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted. Sadly, most people figure that out when it's too late...
Post a Comment
Read more

a real love story

By
I am going to tell you a story. It is a story of love, surrender and peace. There is a hero in the end. But there usually is, right? Right. Four years ago, I met this guy through a friend. I wasn't looking for love at all. Just a companion, a friend, someone to share with. After 13 years in hell, who really wants to look for love again? Not this girl. So this guy, he was pretty nice. A gentleman. You don't come across too many these days. We became friends, talking every day, having lunch and what not. As the days passed, I found myself falling in love. I was scared. Neither of us wanted to get married again and we certainly weren't looking for anything long term. But as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, God has better plans for us. I remember the day I told him I was in love with him. It is still fresh in my mind. It was night time and we were standing on the front porch having a cigarette. I debated on whether I should tell him or not. ...
3 comments
Read more

my greatest accomplishment

By
If I ever become a statistic, the odds will always be in my favor. I’m a stubborn girl. I always have been and always will be. I buck the system every chance I get because I have always wanted to be outside of the norm. Normal is overrated. I am the odd ball, the loner and the awkward one. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ve always had big dreams for my little boy but most importantly, I just wanted him to succeed at life. I prayed for him from the day he was born that he would become great and wonderful and every single moment that passes with him, my prayers have been answered. You probably think I boast and brag on him too much. So what? What mother isn’t prideful of her children? But you have to understand the journey. Me and that kid have been through so much together. He saved my life. Most of you know my story. I left home at the end of my junior year in high school, three months later, I got knocked up and I lived with a friend until three months after Nathaniel wa...
Post a Comment
Read more