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life will go on...eventually

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     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be learning for this? So I pray for guidance, understanding and hope that one day I will get some relief from this.

     Asking for help seems to be the least of my concerns anymore…I can’t even open a bottle of water without asking for help. There is no sense in being prideful there. Matt has to help me get up stairs. Just getting out of my car after a 45 minute ride takes my breath away from the pain in my knees and ankles. I cannot describe how much this upsets me…how ashamed it makes me. Yes, ashamed. I can’t do anything that requires strength without asking for help. So if that’s my lesson…so be it.

     I began to think God was being cruel…I tried to believe that for a while. Why would you get me through this surgery to take away one pain only to give me another pain far worse than anything I have ever experienced? (And I’ve given birth twice-I know pain.)  What are you supposed to be teaching me? Not to be prideful? Done. It’s okay to ask for help? Done and done. That it’s okay to be weak? Done. What else? The idea of a brain tumor never scared me for a moment. I cried once; the day I found out. I was more anxious than anything and that was to have the surgery, get on with my life and be pain free. Was that asking too much?


     I am angry. I am beyond frustrated. I’m also tired of going to doctor after doctor after doctor. I now have a specialist for everything! Heart, ENT, brain, nerves, endocrine…I wonder if I collect them all, maybe I’ll win a prize. I am tired of being in pain. I cannot move a single muscle without hurting somewhere. Even my toes hurt. But I will keep going…because I am far too stubborn to let anything defeat me. Somehow, I will find a way to enjoy life again, pain or no pain. 

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