If You Only Knew

Look closely. What do you see? That smile reads pure joy. Love. Loyalty. Passion. How can you not see anything but happiness here? But it goes deeper than that. What you don’t see is what I see when I look in his eyes. More love than any one heart can possibly hold. His tenderness, his compassion, his overwhelming sense of protection, his joy, his encouragement and most of all…his undying faithfulness. This enormous, overwhelming feeling totally engulfs me as I type this and I can’t even think of a word to describe it. Love. But yet, it still doesn’t feel like the right word. Like, this word is too small to describe the feeling. It far exceeds any emotion I’ve ever experienced. Remember that feeling you got when you gave birth to your first child? This comes pretty damn close to it.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. There's been a lot of changes in the last few months. I saw this quote today and it put a lot in perspective: Change. You either love it or you hate it, but either way its coming. Your best bet is to grin and bear it, and pray that when its done tossing you around that you find yourself surrounded by those that you love. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a fan of change. At. All. I'll fight it with everything in me. I'm a very routine person. I like schedules and time and all that responsible stuff. I like doing things my way because it works well for me. I know how its done, when it's done and so forth. I got divorced in January 2010. This, next to having children, has been the biggest change in my life by far. I almost didn't know how to function. I had accepted my life as it was and figured it would always be that way. It was "normal" and routine for me. It's almost bittersweet... Fe...

His Smile His eyes His laugh His voice His hands His protective arms His hugs His Kiss His Sarcasm The way he strokes my cheek The way he plays with my hair The way he just watches me The way he holds me when I’m scared The way he holds my hand as we walk or are driving His enthusiasm The look he gives me when he just wakes up The way he just cuddles me The softness in his eyes when he’s worried about me The way he worries about me The way he tells me everything The way he kisses me to shut me up The way his hand always finds mine The gentleness of his touch The way he cares for me The way he don’t care how hyper or crazy I am The way he kisses my neck The way he looks when he is standing on the doorstep The way he never wants to say goodbye The way he always finds time for one more kiss The way he plays with my kids The way he misses me The way he takes such good care of me when I am not feeling well The way he lets me know just how much I mean to him The way he knows just the right t...

The most difficult thing ever for a parent to do is let a child go. My son has decided he wants to live with his dad when school starts. Hearing those words made me feel like someone ripped my heart out. He turned 13 this year. I didn't think I had to let him go until 18 but it happened alot sooner than I wanted. He's growing up fast and maturing even faster. I know that he needs his dad in his life to teach him how to be a man. In my mind I know this but my heart is having a hard time hearing it. That precious boy has given me 13 amazing years of his life and I've been blessed with being apart of those years. He wants to strengthen his relationship with his dad and that, in my eyes, is a sign of maturity. His dad will be able to guide him in areas of his life that I might otherwise not be able to simply because I'm not a man. I could be selfish and tell him no, but I can't look him in his beautiful brown eyes knowing that I've denied him something that is so ve...

Everyone has a past, whether good or bad. What I've learned is that your past can determine your future depending on how you progress over the years. Some people take what's happened to them over the years and use it for good; to grow and learn. Others become a victim and turn what could be a fruitful life into one full of pain, misery and sorrow. I chose the first. I've witnessed over the years a great many people take their past lives and turn it into something that made their futures bright and plentiful. Take Joyce Meyer, for example. She "suffered sexual abuse as a child and the pain of an emotionally abusive first marriage... battled with breast cancer ...". Her life could have gone in so many different directions but instead she embraced God and all that He had planned for her and made it into something miraculous. She created an organization called Joyce Meyer Ministries and she shares her story all over the world and how you can overcome. I've also w...

This kid… Thirteen years ago, this kid came into my life. He was totally unexpected and was about to turn my world upside down. I was 16, about to be 17 and knew nothing of what it required to care for someone else, let alone myself. Over the last thirteen years, I’ve experienced emotions I never knew existed. Anger beyond words; laughter til tears. I’ve learned to change diapers, distinguish cries, heal scrapes and bruises, mead a broken heart, make life changing decision and prepare a kid friendly meal. I know the Barney song by heart, watch cartoons even when this kid isn’t around and laugh at the Suite Life of Zach & Cody. I own every Disney movie known to man. I know the difference between being “really sick” and just needing attention. I’ve experience heartache worse than anything in the world when I heard the cry that I couldn’t heal. No pain in this world is worse than knowing you can’t “fix it” when it needs to be fix. But there is no better joy than hearing those sweet th...

I'm sick to death of people telling me I've forgotten about them because of Matt. I'm sick of people telling me they are tired of hearing about Matt. My thoughts? Build a bridge and get over it. Seriously. Any person who has been in my life for any length of time knows what these last few years have been like for me. It's been no picnic. I won't say I was totally unhappy, but let's be real. My "friends" know. Or so I thought. I've been through a lot in my life. OK, maybe an understatement but you get the point. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I am at peace. Happy. Joyful. Content. That's not saying that I've never been happy but I define them as happy moments, not a long continuous of joy. Does that make sense? Matt & I don't fuss, we don't fight. We have communication. That is the most important aspect of our relationship. We talk about everything under the sun and over the moon. Not to get off subject.... B...