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he's gone

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There has never been a worse feeling than waking up at 2am, only to roll over and your husband isn't there.

This isn't the first time it's happened but for some reason, last night was different. Normally, it's waking up in the morning after having a dream and then seeing his spot empty. Last night was different because it was almost shocking. It was as if this last month had just been a dream and he was home all along. Sadly, it's reality.

I knew when I met Matt that he was going to be deployed. Actually, I knew before I met Matt. One of his co-workers was dating a friend of mine. So when things started to get serious between us, I already knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought anyway.

I've grown up in the military all of my life. Both of my parents were retired Air Force, my brother served in the Navy and many of my grandparents, unc
les and so forth had served as well. Even my ex-husband served in the Army. And knowing everything that I know about the military, absolutely none of that prepared me for this deployment. Don't get me wrong. I can take care of the house and the finances and the kids and what not. What I wasn't prepared for was that empty feeling inside your soul because your best friend was taken away from you. Or the awful night time when you know you have to crawl into that empty bed. Or coming home at the end of the day, knowing he wasn't going to be there, nor was he coming later. And waking up in the morning, only to be disappointed even more. Sundays are the worst. Sundays were "our day". We'd goof off, be lazy, entangle our legs together and just talk. I'd get up and make coffee and we'd go sit on the front porch and just enjoy each other. The front porch...that was our spot. We could solve the world's problems on that front porch. It's just not the same without him sitting there with me.


I never took a single moment for granted. Not one. Even if all we did was lay in bed and watch a movie, I was right there in my "reserved" spot. Yes, I have a reserved spot. But these are the little things that we share together. It's what makes our relationship so strong. We have our cute lil phrases and words that only we know what they mean. I miss that. And the thing is, you never really know or understand how important those little things are until he's not there to share them with you. Those are the treasures that I hold onto so tightly. Sure, I know he's coming home. But it doesn't change the fact that my best friend is not here, sharing his life with me
. 365 days away is a long time. And I thought three weeks was hard.

My moods are crazy at times. I'm normally a happy person but lately, it doesn't take much to put me in a bad mood. Not much at all. And people are insensitive. Yanno, I don't expect people to walk on eggshells when I'm around. I'm a big girl and I can handle most anything. But there are just some things you do not say when someone's husband is gone. My friend Leanne and I went to lunch together one day. The lady at the restaurant was talking to us about our husbands being deployed and she made the comment, "I wish my husband was deployed." If you knew how must restraint it took to keep me from reaching across that counter... Whew. Leanne spoke up before I could even utter any words out of my mouth, which was probably a good thing. Some things shouldn't bother me but they do. Hearing anyone say, "I miss my husband/wife..." just strikes a nerve. Maybe it's selfish to feel like that but I can't help but think...if you get to see your spouse everyday, I don't want to hear you talk about missing them. Try going a year or longer without even being able to touch them and then talking to me about missing someone. Maybe a little harsh but it still hurts.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will survive this. I love my husband and I do this for him. He will have my love and my support while he's gone. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he spirits stay up and that he worries about nothing while we are here. But the fact remains that my heart gets a little sad every morning I wake up and see that he's gone.
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  1. MikkiMay 29, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    Girl, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I don't know what I would do except go crazy!!!

    I hate to have to mention this, but have you considered some meds to help calm you down? I'm on one called Buspar. It's 5 mgs 2-3 times a day and it REALLY helps calm me down. Got the RX from my Obgyn.

    (((hugs))))

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