not broken

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday.

I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective.

I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray to drop that baggage soon. Every day, I try.

As I got older and my mind began to mature, the self-esteem issues kicked in majorly. The constant battle with my parents made me think something was wrong with me. I mean, really. If my own parents didn’t want me, who did? Surely there was something wrong with me. It took many, many doctors to convince me that it was them and not me. I am still not 100% convinced. An ex who never thought I was good enough, no matter what lengths I was willing to go through for him and my parents. The ones who gave birth to me and brought me into this world immediately believed I was jacked up from the age of 6 when my brother was born. No one thought to consider that maybe, just maybe, I was jealous of a new kid in town. I was an only child for six years. I had all of mommy and daddy’s attention and then this kid comes out of nowhere and all is supposed to be wonderful in the world. Seriously.

So all of these things happen in my life; major catastrophes, one after another. Which brings me to present day. I am a month away from my 35^th birthday. Every day, I am realizing new things; taking a new perspective. Do you remember watching a certain movie as a kid and then watching it again as an adult? It has a completely different meaning to it. You realize what the actors were really saying and not what you thought they were saying. Life happens the same way. I have been convinced all of my life that SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME. But when I look back and replay these events in my mind like a movie, I begin to think “was it really me?” I will whole heartedly admit that I was a difficult child. I was. But now that I am a parent, I can see the reasons why I was a difficult child. My brother was the family favorite. He was mommy’s boy and since dad wasn’t going to go again anything mom said it was just a double whammy. What does a typical child do when they want attention? You know the answer. They act out. All kids do it. Whether they do it on purpose or whether it is just an instinct they have, they want that attention. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad.

Here is a good example: Matt’s ex-wife has a stepson. His mother passed away long before she came into the picture and for a few years, it was just him and dad. Along comes this new woman who basically takes over his dad. He is not getting all the attention anymore. So what does he do? He acts out in whatever way necessary to get attention. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad, but as long as all eyes are on him, he gets exactly what he wants. He doesn’t want Dad with the evil stepmom so he’s going to do whatever he can to break them up or come in between them.

C’mon, people. It is text book Psych 101.

Fast forward to adulthood: A woman feeling unloved and unwanted does whatever it takes to get love and attention because her self-esteem is in the gutter. We’ll just leave it at that. Do you see how all this ties together? Yes, there was something wrong with me.

So I am sitting in service yesterday and Pastor Phil says “stop trying to fix you”. It stuck in my mind. Stop trying to fix me… I have a beautiful home, four beautiful kids and a husband who loves me unconditionally. I have everything I have ever wanted in life. Why am I still trying to fix me? I am not broken anymore. I am not. I might have a few humps to get over but far from broken. I have scars. Those scars remind me of what I have conquered in life. I have triumphed over so much. I didn’t allow these things to make me a sad, bitter, broken down and angry person. No one has time for that. I am strong and stubborn. I know what I deserve to have in life and I know what I am worthy of. I constantly used to ask myself “if my parents don’t love me, then how will anyone ever love me?” That’s crap! It is their loss, not mine.

I am not broken. I am whole, surrounded in love and joy and peace. My past does not define me and it never will. My past is only there to remind me what not to do. My past is there to remind me of how strong I am as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend. My past will stay right where it is.