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what happened?

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I was that girl who wore make up every single day. Heck, sometimes I slept in it. I didn't leave the house most days without something on my face. I've been that way for years. A little over a year ago, something changed. I stopped. I stopped caring about wearing make up. I stopped caring about fixing my hair. In fact, as many have seen, I damn near chopped it all off. I stopped caring about a lot of things that had to do with me, including my weight and health.

No, I do not have a death wish. I am not suicidal. I don't even think I am depressed, but doctors say I am, although I am not sure why. I honestly don't know why I stopped taking care of myself. Even now, I only do it because I realize I have a family who needs me to be healthy. With everything I have been through in the last six months, healthwise, I still do not wear make up and I still cannot find the energy or the motivation to get on a treadmill for 10-15 minutes a day. I know I should. I KNOW THIS. I do not need to be told that I am being selfish. As the saying goes, walk a mile in my shoes. You tell me what the problem is because I honestly do not know.

I am tired of doctors. I am tired of no one listening to me. I get up at 5:05am every day, with just enough energy to make sure my kids are up for school, I can prep dinner if necessary, make coffee, lunches and get myself ready and out the door. I work for eight, sometimes, nine hours a day. I leave work to pick kids up from football and take them to gymnastics with just enough time to get dinner started when I walk through the door. No, I do not sit down and take a break. I keep going. We eat dinner together and I am getting ready for the next day. I am getting kids in and out of showers, making sure homework is done and they all get in bed on time. And most day, I am in bed before the last kid is and lights out by 9:30pm. This is five days a week. This wife and mom is T.I.R.E.D. Where do I have time in my day to do anything else? Where do I find the energy and motivation? It is hard. And if you tell me to get up before 5am, you might hear me cuss.

There are no excuses. None. This is life. This is how I live. I am wife, mom and full time employee. Oh, did I mention that I am raising three kids at home? Yeah. My therapist tells me I need "me" time. This is me getting up at 6am on Saturday or Sunday, which is "sleeping in" for me and having the house to myself with a hot cup of coffee. Not running behind someone, or picking up socks or feeding one of the animals. This is just me, curled up with my laptop and everyone else is sleeping.

Somewhere in this beautiful chaos, I lost myself again and I have yet to find the desire to do anything about it. Beautiful chaos...because I love every single thing about my life. I truly do. I have a great job, an amazingly wonderful husband and four fantastic kids and I sacrifice myself for them daily. I have no regrets about that. None. This was my calling in life. To raise these incredible little people to be the best they can be.

So what happened? Why did I stop caring? I haven't really tired finding the answer to that. I figured it didn't matter and no one really cares whether I choose to wear make up so no big deal. But in the back of my mind, it is.

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