Skip to main content

its a struggle

Image
By
Mixed emotions have been running through me for a few days now. I always have my ups and downs; some days I can handle them and some, I can't. Today is one of those days that I just can't seem to get a grip on anything.

I walked away from my divorce with the house, my freedom and my dignity. That's it. I was even willing to give up the house, and on days like today, I almost wished I had. I kept the house for my kids. If he'd asked for it, I would have given it up easily simply because I cannot afford the responsibility that comes along with it. I do my very best to keep it up but at times, it's just too much.

Pride is one of those sins that God doesn't like and I have alot of it. It's difficult for me to ask for help and I have to swallow hard when I do. Take for instance the day I walked into DHR. It took everything I had not to grab everything up and walk out, but I stayed; I went through my interview and later found out I was approved for foodstamps. Great, that will help a lot. Or so I thought. Yesterday I found out I was only approved for $68/mo. Really?! That's it? I can't even buy a weeks worth of groceries for $68! In my mind I think, "I know I should be grateful. Really, I should be, but sadly I'm not and I know that will not make God happy." It's better than nothing but its a real kick in the gut for someone who genuinely needs help and cannot get it.

I know that somehow I will get through this. I always do but I'm just tired of "getting by". I've decided that when I finish school this semester, I'm going to get a 2nd job. I don't know how but somehow I will manage. If nothing else, I need to build up some savings in case anything happens to my house. I'm seriously considering selling this house and have spoken with my ex-husband about it. The electric bill alone is enough to make anyone go broke. I'm trying to hold out until May, when I have the ability to go to levelized billing. Maybe that will help. I've cut bills already but with summer coming, there isn't much else I can cut with having children at home. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

every day

By
Sitting in the parking lot of Hardee's today, I turned my radio off and just looked around. I watched the numerous cars as they passed by. I watched clouds roll in from the rain. I just stared off, thinking about this place that I call home. It has been my home for the better part of 20 years. It brings me comfort and peace. I feel safe here. Growing up as a military kid, I never knew what home was. I hold on to that sense of safety and security but not naive to the fact that we do not live in a perfect world. Violence can be seen in the news daily; so much so that I grow tired of watching. It's depressing. This morning was no different. Senseless killing of innocent people has been happening in our world for generations. Why is it only recently that more and more people take notice? Because it's hitting way too close to home and people are beginning to realize that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted. Sadly, most people figure that out when it's too late...
Post a Comment
Read more

surrender

By
I spent a better part of my life worrying over events of the past that I had absolutely no control over. Because that's who I was. Or at least that's who I defined myself as. A control freak. At age 32, it took that span of my life to realize I cannot control what other people do. Or how they react to situations. Or how they treat you as a person. I once saw a quote that stated, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours". It clicked with me. Revelations come to me at the most unusual times. Yesterday was one of those times. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden, the thought of my mother popped in my head. For so long, I was jealous of other women and girls who had such wonderful mother/daughter relationships. I wanted that so badly for myself but was never able to get there. And as I struggled to get through this week, I couldn't help be think "anyone else's mom would be comforting and supportive." I haven't hea...
1 comment
Read more

a real love story

By
I am going to tell you a story. It is a story of love, surrender and peace. There is a hero in the end. But there usually is, right? Right. Four years ago, I met this guy through a friend. I wasn't looking for love at all. Just a companion, a friend, someone to share with. After 13 years in hell, who really wants to look for love again? Not this girl. So this guy, he was pretty nice. A gentleman. You don't come across too many these days. We became friends, talking every day, having lunch and what not. As the days passed, I found myself falling in love. I was scared. Neither of us wanted to get married again and we certainly weren't looking for anything long term. But as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, God has better plans for us. I remember the day I told him I was in love with him. It is still fresh in my mind. It was night time and we were standing on the front porch having a cigarette. I debated on whether I should tell him or not. ...
3 comments
Read more