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self doubt

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In 33 years, I believe the hardest thing I've had to do is tell my son I failed. Not once, but twice. It brought me to tears.

That look in his face; it was disbelief. Not that I didn't do well but that he KNEW and he saw how much and how hard I'd been studying. The time that it took from him and from the rest of my family; trips had to be cancelled, games had to be skipped. I sacrifice a lot. I keep asking myself is it worth it? Some days, I don't know the answer.

Today, I wanted to give up. I thought about it. I looked at all the work that I'd been doing, all the studying, homework, reviewing, getting advice and info from currently nursing students; all this to only fail my second test. I don't want pity; I want to know why. What did I do that caused me to fail? I have the knowledge. I know the legal and ethics behind nursing. Ask me anything. I can tell you that when you give an enema to a patient, they need to be in the Sims' position. I know down to the degree level what low, semi and high Fowler positions are for immobile patients. I can tell you how to move an immobile patient safely. I know what ADPIE means and I can write a nursing diagnosis. So why did I fail?

Because I doubt myself.

As long as I've been in college, this has been my #1 problem in many ways. Doubt makes me change my answers. Doubt has made me struggle through 2 1/2 years of college, through a bad divorce and a deployment. Yet, somehow I still made it this far. Matt gets on to me constantly because when I don't do well, I realize every time, it's because I've gone back and changed my answers. What makes it so frustrating is that I had it right the first time.

Day one of nursing school, we were told DO NOT CHANGE ANSWERS! Why? Because usually if you pick that answer, it's a gut feeling telling you that you've seen it before and you remember it. Getting down to the science of why I doubt myself? Only a therapist can answer that. I honestly don't know.

What I do know; this is hard. This is trying and nerve wrecking and it brings out all my emotions. It makes me cry, it makes me pray and it just makes me shake my head. I KNOW I can do this. Right??

Intrapersonal communication: self talk. I learned the "proper" title to this in the Communication chapter. This is what I do every day. I talk to myself. I do my best to encourage myself. I say "I can do this, I can do this..." but I guess I'm not so convinced.

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