Skip to main content

self doubt

Image
By

In 33 years, I believe the hardest thing I've had to do is tell my son I failed. Not once, but twice. It brought me to tears.

That look in his face; it was disbelief. Not that I didn't do well but that he KNEW and he saw how much and how hard I'd been studying. The time that it took from him and from the rest of my family; trips had to be cancelled, games had to be skipped. I sacrifice a lot. I keep asking myself is it worth it? Some days, I don't know the answer.

Today, I wanted to give up. I thought about it. I looked at all the work that I'd been doing, all the studying, homework, reviewing, getting advice and info from currently nursing students; all this to only fail my second test. I don't want pity; I want to know why. What did I do that caused me to fail? I have the knowledge. I know the legal and ethics behind nursing. Ask me anything. I can tell you that when you give an enema to a patient, they need to be in the Sims' position. I know down to the degree level what low, semi and high Fowler positions are for immobile patients. I can tell you how to move an immobile patient safely. I know what ADPIE means and I can write a nursing diagnosis. So why did I fail?

Because I doubt myself.

As long as I've been in college, this has been my #1 problem in many ways. Doubt makes me change my answers. Doubt has made me struggle through 2 1/2 years of college, through a bad divorce and a deployment. Yet, somehow I still made it this far. Matt gets on to me constantly because when I don't do well, I realize every time, it's because I've gone back and changed my answers. What makes it so frustrating is that I had it right the first time.

Day one of nursing school, we were told DO NOT CHANGE ANSWERS! Why? Because usually if you pick that answer, it's a gut feeling telling you that you've seen it before and you remember it. Getting down to the science of why I doubt myself? Only a therapist can answer that. I honestly don't know.

What I do know; this is hard. This is trying and nerve wrecking and it brings out all my emotions. It makes me cry, it makes me pray and it just makes me shake my head. I KNOW I can do this. Right??

Intrapersonal communication: self talk. I learned the "proper" title to this in the Communication chapter. This is what I do every day. I talk to myself. I do my best to encourage myself. I say "I can do this, I can do this..." but I guess I'm not so convinced.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

courage

By
My life really only started when I turned 30. Sure, that sounds crazy. But there is a significant difference in “life” and actual living. It is having the courage to walk away from something so painful and so toxic. It is having faith that no matter what foot you step out on, God is going to be in step with you. It is taking that first deep breath, exhaling all the negative and nastiness in your life and going forward, reassuring yourself you will never have to look back. And I didn’t. I have this tattoo on my shoulder. I put it there so I’d see it all the time. It’s a constant reminder to me. It says “courage is fear that has said it’s prayers”. I don’t remember how I came across it but it was not long after my brain surgery. That one quote means everything to me. The course of events that has taken place in my life over the last seven years has been nothing short of a miracle. February 17th is an important day to me and one I will remember like my birthday or my anniversar...
Post a Comment
Read more

His Legacy

By
In the summer of 1997, I showed up on his doorstep with a three-month-old baby on my hip. After explaining that this was his grandson, he welcomed us both into his home and our lives forever changed. From that moment, the sun rose and set on his grandson and he could do no wrong in his eyes. As my son grew, it became obvious that he felt the same. Where you saw Andrew, you saw Nathaniel. Andrew was so proud of his sweet boy. He took Nathaniel with him everywhere. To the cow fields, where they would feed the cows together; to church where he grew to love his “Preacherman”, and even on the tractor. McDonald’s was always his favorite trip; he couldn’t live without his chicken nuggets. They were two peas in a pod, as their grandma used to say. That never changed. Andrew always made me feel apart of the family, even when I felt like an outsider. One of the conditions to coming to live with him was that I went back to high school and graduated. He made sure he had a front row seat ...
Post a Comment
Read more

not broken

By
"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...
Post a Comment
Read more