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don't be fooled

Have you ever seen one of those mothers or wives, all put together, well behaved children and you just knew they had it all together? Shoot, I have had that compliment paid to me a time or two. I wish it were true. Honestly, I am completely falling apart on the inside.

Don't get me wrong! I am happy! Life at home is fabulous!

Trying to find my place...that appears to be my theme for 2014. It is not easy, let me tell you. I have applied for job after job after job. By the time I finish the application, I have changed my mind fifteen times and come up with 102 reasons why this job won't work for me. But the real truth is- I still want to be a nurse.

Yesterday, I sat in church, listening to the music, looking around and observing what was going on. Everyone looked as though they had it all together. I know that each of us has our struggles but some really do have it all together. One of the members got up front during the music and called for her Prayer Warriors. I like the sound of that. I am not brave enough to stand up in front of others like that, so I sat back in my chair, smiling, then closed my eyes and began to think. What does God want from me? My biggest struggle right now is finding my career where I can use my gifts. For as long as I can remember, even as a little girl, I knew I was meant to help people. I just knew. I love helping others. It gives me great joy to serve people, just as I do at home. I know my family loves me and appreciates all I do. I believe this in my heart. I want to be able to share this gift and love with others as well. I believed I was meant to do that in healing and becoming a nurse. My father told me I could do anything in life I wanted; this is what I chose. So when I failed at it, I was completely devastated. I had no back up plan. This was it. Instead of trying again, I walked away, turned my head and carried on.

It came as a huge surprise when the flood gates fell open and I could not stop crying in church. I tried but the tears just fell and poured out. The only thought going through my head was "God, what am I supposed to do now?" I really have no idea. Because even sitting here right now, I still believe I was meant to help other and I still desperately want to be a nurse. Unfortunately, that door closed when I decided to walk away at that moment, return to work and take on raising two more kids. I gave up any chance of returning to nursing school and I kick myself for it every single day. I am proud of the degree I hold-make no mistake. I still worked my ass off for it. Deep down, it was not what I wanted and I settled for what I could get. I am not satisfied with that at all. I knew it all along but I was too afraid to speak up.

Forgiving others for mistakes is easy. Forgiving myself... it seems impossible. We are our own worst enemy.  Sitting there in church, I prayed for God to lead me and lead my heart. I want what He wants for me. One thing I do know for certain, I am meant to help others, but maybe just in another capacity. Who knows. I feel lost not knowing what I am supposed to do in this life. That control freak in me is screaming for mercy.

I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot and anyone else who says they do is probably fooling themselves too.

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