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to my son

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Nathaniel is going to be 17 next month. I’m having a hard time swallowing that. Regrets? Yeah. Trying to remember every single moment I had with him. It is impossible. I hope I remember the ones that count. I hope he does too. I hope he knows I did the very best I could, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I hope he knows how fiercely I tried to protect his heart against the uglies of this world, including his father. I hope he will always know that no matter what, I have and will always love him with every fiber of my being. I yell, I scream, I get angry. I stress, I worry. But it has all been done with love. More love than you could possibly imagine.

I spent 17 years desperately praying and seeking out what God wanted from me, in order to raise this young man. I wanted him to be everything I was not and more. He has the kindest heart and a gentle soul. He loves music and food. Sometimes he’s likes to draw; he loves soccer, even at its hardest moments. He loves to be encouraged and praised and hates when I come down on him. He’s so freakin’ smart. Sometimes I don’t think he knows his own worth and what joy he brings to my life and others around him. His birth saved me. He gave me meaning and purpose. He taught me to love in ways I could not.

Sometimes he’s selfish; but that’s a kid thing. Sometimes he infuriates me. But at the end of the day, none of that matters. I have been incredibly blessed and grateful to watch this little curly haired boy growing into a wonderful young man. I could not be more proud. I don’t know why God trusted me with this boy’s life, but I hope I did not fail him.

Nathaniel,

There are a lot of things we wish for as mothers. I cannot even begin to list them all. But my wish for you in life is love, peace, joy, and even a few tears. Love with all of your heart and love fiercely. True love only happens once. Find peace in all your turmoil. Seek joy in everything you do in life, no matter how insignificant it may seem. You’d be surprised. It really is the little things that matter most. Remember the bag of Skittles? (I still have them). Cherish every single tear. Those tears will teach you a lot. But above all, in everything you do in life, love God. Love God with all your soul. He will not fail you. Sometimes, God protects us from the things we love most. It’s those unanswered prayers. Always know there is a reason.

Lastly, always remember how much I love you and that no one else in this world can love you the same way I do.

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