Skip to main content

that moment ...

By
That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger.

It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth.

I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was going to come easy to me, right? No. It doesn't work that way at all. Now, I'm left with anger and bitterness in my heart and so much shame. It just didn't work for me. Instead of taking responsibility, I blamed everyone and everything else. It was easy to make up excuses and say "oh, it just wasn't my time, I needed to go back to work," or something equally lame. But the hard truth is that I failed and I gave up.

So now four years later, I struggle daily with the lies that I keep telling myself. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life now. Not a clue. That is the worst pain. What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go? I didn't have a back up plan. That is out of the norm for me. I always have a back up plan. This time, I have nothing. I don't know where to go, what direction to look in. I just took the easy way out, with no direction in my life.

I came home today and broke down in tears to Matt. It was the first time I'd even said the words out loud to anyone, much less myself. I am a failure and I have no direction for my life. Going back to nursing school isn't even an option for me anymore. I don't even know where to begin looking for answers. What I do know is that I do not feel fulfilled when it comes to my future. I've always had a plan, I've always had control. At least I thought I did.

I am sorry to those I lied to and to those I blamed. I am sorry to those I let down-like my family. That is what hurts the most. I let my family down. I planned this fantastic future based on a dream that I could not fulfill because I was too scared to start over again. So I guess it is back to the drawing board again. I am 35 years old. What do I do now?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

every day

By
Sitting in the parking lot of Hardee's today, I turned my radio off and just looked around. I watched the numerous cars as they passed by. I watched clouds roll in from the rain. I just stared off, thinking about this place that I call home. It has been my home for the better part of 20 years. It brings me comfort and peace. I feel safe here. Growing up as a military kid, I never knew what home was. I hold on to that sense of safety and security but not naive to the fact that we do not live in a perfect world. Violence can be seen in the news daily; so much so that I grow tired of watching. It's depressing. This morning was no different. Senseless killing of innocent people has been happening in our world for generations. Why is it only recently that more and more people take notice? Because it's hitting way too close to home and people are beginning to realize that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted. Sadly, most people figure that out when it's too late...
Post a Comment
Read more

surrender

By
I spent a better part of my life worrying over events of the past that I had absolutely no control over. Because that's who I was. Or at least that's who I defined myself as. A control freak. At age 32, it took that span of my life to realize I cannot control what other people do. Or how they react to situations. Or how they treat you as a person. I once saw a quote that stated, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours". It clicked with me. Revelations come to me at the most unusual times. Yesterday was one of those times. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden, the thought of my mother popped in my head. For so long, I was jealous of other women and girls who had such wonderful mother/daughter relationships. I wanted that so badly for myself but was never able to get there. And as I struggled to get through this week, I couldn't help be think "anyone else's mom would be comforting and supportive." I haven't hea...
1 comment
Read more

a real love story

By
I am going to tell you a story. It is a story of love, surrender and peace. There is a hero in the end. But there usually is, right? Right. Four years ago, I met this guy through a friend. I wasn't looking for love at all. Just a companion, a friend, someone to share with. After 13 years in hell, who really wants to look for love again? Not this girl. So this guy, he was pretty nice. A gentleman. You don't come across too many these days. We became friends, talking every day, having lunch and what not. As the days passed, I found myself falling in love. I was scared. Neither of us wanted to get married again and we certainly weren't looking for anything long term. But as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, God has better plans for us. I remember the day I told him I was in love with him. It is still fresh in my mind. It was night time and we were standing on the front porch having a cigarette. I debated on whether I should tell him or not. ...
3 comments
Read more