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that moment ...

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That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger.

It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth.

I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was going to come easy to me, right? No. It doesn't work that way at all. Now, I'm left with anger and bitterness in my heart and so much shame. It just didn't work for me. Instead of taking responsibility, I blamed everyone and everything else. It was easy to make up excuses and say "oh, it just wasn't my time, I needed to go back to work," or something equally lame. But the hard truth is that I failed and I gave up.

So now four years later, I struggle daily with the lies that I keep telling myself. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life now. Not a clue. That is the worst pain. What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go? I didn't have a back up plan. That is out of the norm for me. I always have a back up plan. This time, I have nothing. I don't know where to go, what direction to look in. I just took the easy way out, with no direction in my life.

I came home today and broke down in tears to Matt. It was the first time I'd even said the words out loud to anyone, much less myself. I am a failure and I have no direction for my life. Going back to nursing school isn't even an option for me anymore. I don't even know where to begin looking for answers. What I do know is that I do not feel fulfilled when it comes to my future. I've always had a plan, I've always had control. At least I thought I did.

I am sorry to those I lied to and to those I blamed. I am sorry to those I let down-like my family. That is what hurts the most. I let my family down. I planned this fantastic future based on a dream that I could not fulfill because I was too scared to start over again. So I guess it is back to the drawing board again. I am 35 years old. What do I do now?

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