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my struggle-the beginning

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I’ve been reading a lot of stories about people and their struggles with weight. So here is mine to start.

My husband deployed to Iraq in 2011. By far, the most trying time in my life; wondering daily if I was going to get “that call”. By the grace and love of God, he came home to me and our four children happy, healthy and most importantly, safely. During that time, I dropped 60 lbs. That’s the most weight I’ve lost in any given time in my life.

Up until I was about 15 years old, I never had any issues with weight. I was ADD and until I turned 14, I was on Ritalin. If you know anything about this medication, it prevents you from gaining weight. Up until I started high school, I was all of 90 pounds soaking wet. I looked like a boy. My mom kept my hair short and people made fun of me. After I got off Ritalin, I started my period and began to blossom into a young lady. It wasn’t until I heard my father tell me my butt was spreading and that I had a “bertha butt” that weight became an issue for me. 

I got pregnant was I was 16 and gave birth when I was 17. I gained 50 lbs when I had Nate. It was all baby for the most part (he was 9lbs!), but I held on to some of that weight afterwards. I was probably a size 12. When I was 21, I had McKenzie and I gained more weight. I never really had any interest in losing it and I didn’t look at my weight as a problem. Over the years, I slowly gained more and more until I really started to take notice. My ex didn’t want me to lose weight. He always encouraged my “big ass” and things of that nature. Because I thought I wanted to keep him happy, I did nothing about it.
After Matt came home, I stopped going to the gym. I felt like I had a year’s worth of making up to do; to cook and take care of my husband and spend all the time with him that I can. I knew I was gaining weight but part of me didn’t care. I knew in my heart that no matter what, he was going to love me. My own person demons mentally castrated me. Horrible, terrible self-talk pushed me into a deep depression. I wanted to have weight loss surgery but I didn’t really have the support I wanted or needed and it hurt. The insurance company denied me having the procedure because I lost weight one time. So I continued on with my mental struggle, hating what I saw in the mirror every single time. I’ve cried one too many times over my weight. “You look disgusting, people talk about you behind your back, and no one is going to love you…” that’s the crap that constantly went through my head. I said things to myself that would make the devil cringe. 

Comparison. It is the worst! I compare myself to my friends, to other people around me, thinking I needed to be skinny like them. I would be so much happier with myself and people would like me if I were skinnier. My husband would think I was HOT if I lost all this weight. I refuse to get on the back of his motorcycle being this size. I’d probably tip it over. Even sex is an issue for me.
Love yourself. How do you do this? How do you make a conscious effort to “love yourself” and just be okay with who you are? Ten years ago, I never gave this a single thought. I had too many other struggles in my life and loving me wasn’t even a thought. Now, it consumes me. I hear it all the time. Being comfortable in my own skin; being able to look at myself in the mirror, naked, and being okay; not obsessing over the skin that hangs from my stomach because I gave birth to children, or seeing that I’ve gained a double chin from regaining weight.

I want just want to be happy and healthy. I want to be able to walk to the parking lot of my job without huffing and puffing. I just want to look at myself in a mirror and smile just because I’m okay with me.

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