perfect imperfection

When hiding isn’t enough…

I desperately try hiding from the world, especially when moments are too much to bare. This summer was no different.

People will walk out of your life at any given moment, including your own children. Not to abandon you but to move on to the next season of their lives. I have struggled with this a lot in my life. Some leave by choice, others leaves out of necessity. Some leave out of sheer ignorance. The latter has been my case recently.

My mother taught me to run. It’s how she copes with life. When shit hits the fan, run. So that is what I do. It’s not always the wise choice but it’s how I’ve learned to cope and it’s the only way I know how to protect my heart.

I told a friend yesterday that I used to say “I shouldn’t expect people to treat me the same way I treat them.” That, my friends is bullshit. I should. I know who I am, I know my value, I know what I bring to the table at every moment. I am the most giving person anyone could ever ask for and yes, I expect my friends, my family, to be willing to do the same for me. Other than my partner in crime, I only know one who is willing and does so on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to lower my expectations because someone doesn’t feel it is necessary to put in the same amount of effort as I do. It has taken me years to get that, but it is a fact in my life and one I will not downplay anymore.

Every time I had an encounter with my mother, she always told me I expected too much from her or to not have expectations when it came to our relationship. Why? What should I expect from the woman who gave birth to me? To love me? To acknowledge my existence? To treat me like a decent human being? Why is that asking too much? What am I to expect from a woman who has never shown me an ounce of remorse or love for all the years that I can actually remember?

I dredge her up every time it gets close to my birthday and honestly, I hate it. It brings back emotions I desperately try to shove in a deep, dark corner. I’ll never get answers to the questions I seek and while I’ve accepted that, it doesn’t stop those feelings from resurfacing every now and again.

My stepson left us this summer and it literally broke my heart to pieces. I keep telling myself over and over that I did everything I possibly could to give him the life he so deserved and needed but it wasn’t enough. That echoes in my mind constantly because I can hear my own mother saying, “I did the best I could,” but did you really? I don't think she did. So I constantly question myself…did I really do everything I could to keep him here with us? To make him happy? To give him everything he ever needed? I guess not.

And so, I ran and I hid from the world. I internalized the whole ordeal. I questioned myself daily. I doubted myself in every step. I asked myself over and over again, what could I have done differently to make him want to stay? And then I took that and turned it into every relationship I’ve had in my life. All the people who have walked away or decided I just wasn’t worth fighting for. My parents, my ex, my brother, friends…what about me is so terrible that they just decided they didn’t need me in their life anymore? I just wasn’t worth their time or affection? What is wrong with me?

I love deeply and passionately. I care too much. I have a bad temper. I trust too easily. I try too hard. I am quick to put my walls up. I forgive easily and quickly. I am pushy. I am stubborn. I am impatient. I push myself too much. I love others far more than I love myself. I talk too much. I don’t talk enough. I like solitude. I feel too much. I cry too much. I laugh too much. I am obsessive about issues I care about. I am too bold. I am not passive at all. And sometimes, I just want to be left alone.

But this is me. This is who I am, flawed and all. And this is why I love me so much. I love who I am and I will not change for anyone. I cannot. It has taken me all of my life to find who I am, what I am and what I love most in life and every day that changes. I love life. I love my life and everything about it. And I will not settle anymore; I refuse. I will not compromise who I am so that someone will love me just enough to tolerate me. I won’t.

I am my perfect imperfection.