If You Only Knew

Everyone has a past, whether good or bad. What I've learned is that your past can determine your future depending on how you progress over the years. Some people take what's happened to them over the years and use it for good; to grow and learn. Others become a victim and turn what could be a fruitful life into one full of pain, misery and sorrow. I chose the first. I've witnessed over the years a great many people take their past lives and turn it into something that made their futures bright and plentiful. Take Joyce Meyer, for example. She "suffered sexual abuse as a child and the pain of an emotionally abusive first marriage... battled with breast cancer ...". Her life could have gone in so many different directions but instead she embraced God and all that He had planned for her and made it into something miraculous. She created an organization called Joyce Meyer Ministries and she shares her story all over the world and how you can overcome. I've also w...

This kid… Thirteen years ago, this kid came into my life. He was totally unexpected and was about to turn my world upside down. I was 16, about to be 17 and knew nothing of what it required to care for someone else, let alone myself. Over the last thirteen years, I’ve experienced emotions I never knew existed. Anger beyond words; laughter til tears. I’ve learned to change diapers, distinguish cries, heal scrapes and bruises, mead a broken heart, make life changing decision and prepare a kid friendly meal. I know the Barney song by heart, watch cartoons even when this kid isn’t around and laugh at the Suite Life of Zach & Cody. I own every Disney movie known to man. I know the difference between being “really sick” and just needing attention. I’ve experience heartache worse than anything in the world when I heard the cry that I couldn’t heal. No pain in this world is worse than knowing you can’t “fix it” when it needs to be fix. But there is no better joy than hearing those sweet th...

I'm sick to death of people telling me I've forgotten about them because of Matt. I'm sick of people telling me they are tired of hearing about Matt. My thoughts? Build a bridge and get over it. Seriously. Any person who has been in my life for any length of time knows what these last few years have been like for me. It's been no picnic. I won't say I was totally unhappy, but let's be real. My "friends" know. Or so I thought. I've been through a lot in my life. OK, maybe an understatement but you get the point. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I am at peace. Happy. Joyful. Content. That's not saying that I've never been happy but I define them as happy moments, not a long continuous of joy. Does that make sense? Matt & I don't fuss, we don't fight. We have communication. That is the most important aspect of our relationship. We talk about everything under the sun and over the moon. Not to get off subject.... B...

Some days it's just not enough to say I love you. I love my friends and family. I try hard to be good to those I love and cherish because its what God asks me to do. I've always tried my best to be a good friend but some days, I think I suck at it. Some days it's hard. It takes alot out of me to be there for someone else when I'm struggling just as much as they are but most days, no one ever knows it. They don't know what it does to me, knowing my 13 year marriage failed. They don't know what it's like raising two kids alone, especially when one is a teenager. They don't know what it's like to struggle to raise a family on a single income, not knowing where the next meal might come from. No one knows the inner turmoil I battle on a daily basis and that the only one I have to turn to...is myself. And God. I smile on the inside but there are days I wanna cry for hours but I can't. I like being the one people depend on, but who do I have to depend o...

Things have never quite been this way before. Every time something really good has happened, the other shoes drops and I’m let down or disappointed. I’m not quite sure how to take all this in. I wake up in the morning thinking… “Soon this will all be over” but then I’m surprised that it’s not. It’s a new feeling. It’s hard to explain. When you are used to things being a certain way because it’s been like that for the last 13 years, it makes you a bit insecure because you are waiting for things to fall apart at any moment. I’m not fond of feeling insecure. No one is. It’s the feeling like “this is too good to be true”. I was at one time, hopelessly in love. There were moments in my marriage where I was deliriously happy but it only last for moments at time. It was never a continual on going process. I know that every relationship has up and downs. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise. But events that played out in my past relationship could have been avoided simply by making smarter dec...

Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē-nəs\ Function: noun Date: 15th century 1 obsolete : good fortune : prosperity 2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience That's Webster's definition of happiness. Most everyone in life wants it, most people attain it and others live it. For the better part of life, I've only experienced the first two. Not saying I've never been happy, but it's been more of "happy moments" and not true genuine life-long happiness. This past month...nothing but. This amazing man came into my life and turned my world upside down. Literally. When I got divorced, I was open to the idea of dating but certainly had no intentions of "settling down". I'd been in a relationship for a better part of 13 years and wanted to experience "single life". So when I met this guy, my first thoughts were, "I can see myself dating him". I had no idea it would turn into so much more. Matt ...

Writing gives me peace. It allows me to say what's on my heart and my mind and sometimes it gives me sanity. Over the past few days, I've seen a number of people lose friends, fuss, fight and argue over recent politics. It all takes place on facebook. Sometimes I used facebook to vent and why not? Facebook is only a small group of my most intimate friends. Or so I thought... I use facebook to keep in touch with my friends, here and afar. I also use it to keep in touch with family who lives long distance. My statuses talk about what I'm doing, how I feel or just any random thought that comes to mind. It's MY page. I keep it extremely private because of nosy idiots who have nothing better to do. At one time, I had over 300 "friends". I know I don't have that many friends, half just wanted to be nosy and see what's been going on in my life since high school and the rest just wanted high numbers. That's not my purpose. My purpose to keep in touch and h...