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I'm happy. I'm happy with my life, with most of the people who choose to be apart of it and everything else in general. But I'm not happy with me and I haven't been for quite awhile.

Talking to Matt last night, I told him I just felt disgusting. While he was deployed, I lost 60 pounds. It took a lot of hard work, life changes and lots of determination. It's the most I'd ever lost at one time. Since January, I've gained almost 25 of that back and I'm disappointed in myself. Somehow I lost the motivation to keep going to get to my ultimate goal. In talking with him, I also told him that I needed to stop downing myself so much or people wouldn't want to be around me anymore. Let's face it-do you really want to hang around someone who is so negative about themselves? Not really. I know I don't. No one wants to keep hearing you say "I'm fat". Well, then I say- do something about it.

I hear comments and compliments all the time. While I appreciate them, it's very difficult to accept them. I want to be happy with ME. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror with a smile and feel that I am worthy of those compliments. I'm almost 33 years old and some days, I can't stand to be in my own skin. I want need to love me. I want to quit obsessing over my body and my weight and focus on this amazing life that I've been given; my second chance.

So I'm starting over again. From the beginning. The one advantage I have this time is I don't have so far to go in order to reach my ultimate goal. Whatever I have to do, I'm going to get there and stay there. And be happy with me.

:)

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