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worthy?

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Everyone has their own demons. Mine; self worth.

It is an ugly demon to battle and one that has defeated me for too many years. Sometimes it is all-consuming and enough to send me into a deep, dark place. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't do enough. Those are the thoughts and feelings that haunt me daily.

Yesterday, I posted a status on facebook. My one wish in this world would be to see myself through someone else's eyes; to be able to see how everyone else sees me. Just for one day. Maybe then I could change my opinion.

The first half of my life consisted of feeling completely unworthy of any kind of love, caring or compassion. To feel unwanted, undesired and unneed is incredibly painful. To come to this realization is heartbreaking. Emotional pain is far worse than any kind of physical pain that can be inflicted on me. It explains a lot about certain parts of my life. It also explains the reason I married the first idiot that gave me the time of day and the desire to do anything and everything I possibly could to keep him happy, while in the mean time, every part of me was dying inside.

We all have our breaking point and for years, people told me one day I'd get there. I did. I'm thankful for that breaking point because it began to sink in that I had some serious emotional issues. Yet, I had absolutely no idea how to fix them. I still don't. Each day, I try harder and harder. I have no idea how much progress I've made but some days, I feel as though I've gotten no where.

I'm surrounded by people in my life who truly love me, faults, emotional baggage and all. They know who they are and they keep my head above water everyday. They love me during those times when I can't fathom loving myself.

In my mind, I'm asking myself questions. How did I get here? Why do I do this to myself? When will I ever look at myself in the mirror and just be happy? Will I ever be "ok"? How do others love me if I don't love myself? I have no answers and I can never seem to find them. Maybe one day I will.

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