About half way through my first marriage, I began to realize I had no support system in my life. I became very independent except for the little fact that I believed I could not financially survive on my own. It took a few more years to realize I just didn't give a shit anymore and I needed a way out. I took a huge leap of faith and almost 5 years later, this is where I landed. Right smack dab in the middle of happiness. Amazing.
In that time period, I lived out of necessity because it was my only option. I felt very alone and at that point, I had made up in my mind that I didn't "need" anyone anymore. This is how it was supposed to be. I didn't want to need anyone because people let you down daily. I was sick of being hurt all the time and not being able to depend on those I needed most. I stopped talking to people because they used my words and feelings against me. It was me against the world and even up until recently, I still felt that way. It hurts too much to need someone. All the people I needed in my world had let me down far too many times. So, I sucked it up and decided it was time to fight these battles on my own.
Fast forward five years. It is still very hard for me to talk to people personally. There are very few of whom I will confide in. I still feel as though no one really cares because everyone has problems of their own and they certainly don't want to hear mine. It is unfair to unload on others. We all fight our battles daily. Even as happy as I am, I still fight my demons. Meeting Matt changed my life. Cliche maybe, but it is 100% the truth. The first person in 34 years that I trusted without question or hesitation. I don't really know why but it just felt right. Every single dark secret you could possibly imagine, I unloaded onto him and he made the choice to stay. He could have run and honestly, I expected him to. In the back of my mind, I believe I was trying to sabotage my own relationship. No one sticks around. Hell, my own parents didn't stick around; why should he? To have someone like you and even love you unconditionally with no questions asked-impossible. It really is. Yet somehow, he looked right through all that and into my soul. I remember telling him that I could see God's love for me through him. I believe God loves me the same way. Without fault, no strings attached, and seeing beyond all the dark, murky crap. How many people can honestly say they love or have been loved like that? It is a beautiful thing.
I have been in college since Matt and I met. He once told me that if I ever let our relationship get in the way of my education, he'd break up with me. I believed that. So I kept pushing on. Tomorrow, I graduate. Not necessarily how I planned for it to happen, but I'm still graduating nonetheless. He has been by my side through the sleepless nights, tears, heartache and stress. Do you know what he's most grateful for? That I'll be home waiting on him when he gets off work. For the last four years, it's been the other way around.
I now have a family of six. Whether you believe it or not, this is what I have prayed for. Family. Everything I did not have as a family growing up, I more than make up for now. Four amazing kids, who have made countless sacrifices because of me and college. How many times did I ask them to give up something because I needed to stay home and study? Or do homework? Too many to count and every single time, it broke my heart. Yet, they still cheered me on and supported everything I was doing. I am proud to have them all with me tomorrow when I walk across that stage. I did all of this for them, whether they know it or not. I am grateful for my incredibly wonderful husband who reminds me daily to have faith, keep praying and keep pushing on. I am beyond thrilled that they will all be by my side tomorrow. I hope I have made them all proud.
In that time period, I lived out of necessity because it was my only option. I felt very alone and at that point, I had made up in my mind that I didn't "need" anyone anymore. This is how it was supposed to be. I didn't want to need anyone because people let you down daily. I was sick of being hurt all the time and not being able to depend on those I needed most. I stopped talking to people because they used my words and feelings against me. It was me against the world and even up until recently, I still felt that way. It hurts too much to need someone. All the people I needed in my world had let me down far too many times. So, I sucked it up and decided it was time to fight these battles on my own.
Fast forward five years. It is still very hard for me to talk to people personally. There are very few of whom I will confide in. I still feel as though no one really cares because everyone has problems of their own and they certainly don't want to hear mine. It is unfair to unload on others. We all fight our battles daily. Even as happy as I am, I still fight my demons. Meeting Matt changed my life. Cliche maybe, but it is 100% the truth. The first person in 34 years that I trusted without question or hesitation. I don't really know why but it just felt right. Every single dark secret you could possibly imagine, I unloaded onto him and he made the choice to stay. He could have run and honestly, I expected him to. In the back of my mind, I believe I was trying to sabotage my own relationship. No one sticks around. Hell, my own parents didn't stick around; why should he? To have someone like you and even love you unconditionally with no questions asked-impossible. It really is. Yet somehow, he looked right through all that and into my soul. I remember telling him that I could see God's love for me through him. I believe God loves me the same way. Without fault, no strings attached, and seeing beyond all the dark, murky crap. How many people can honestly say they love or have been loved like that? It is a beautiful thing.
I have been in college since Matt and I met. He once told me that if I ever let our relationship get in the way of my education, he'd break up with me. I believed that. So I kept pushing on. Tomorrow, I graduate. Not necessarily how I planned for it to happen, but I'm still graduating nonetheless. He has been by my side through the sleepless nights, tears, heartache and stress. Do you know what he's most grateful for? That I'll be home waiting on him when he gets off work. For the last four years, it's been the other way around.
I now have a family of six. Whether you believe it or not, this is what I have prayed for. Family. Everything I did not have as a family growing up, I more than make up for now. Four amazing kids, who have made countless sacrifices because of me and college. How many times did I ask them to give up something because I needed to stay home and study? Or do homework? Too many to count and every single time, it broke my heart. Yet, they still cheered me on and supported everything I was doing. I am proud to have them all with me tomorrow when I walk across that stage. I did all of this for them, whether they know it or not. I am grateful for my incredibly wonderful husband who reminds me daily to have faith, keep praying and keep pushing on. I am beyond thrilled that they will all be by my side tomorrow. I hope I have made them all proud.
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