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million dollar question

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My sister said something to me that had me sitting on the edge of my bed sobbing quietly in my room. She said, wish you could love yourself the way we all love you...” And then I realized how damaged I really am.

My first thought went to my mother…and then to my daughter. Thoughts of my mother stirred up anger and more tears. It brought up unanswered questions that I knew would continue to remain that way simply because she claims no fault. That’s fine and I’ve come to accept that. Then I thought of my beautiful daughter…she’s everything I’m not. How have I been able to teach her to love herself and know she is beautiful inside and out when I don’t feel that way about myself? That just makes me a hypocrite.

So I ask myself…what does it take for me to love myself like my sister says everyone else does? I don’t know how. I was never taught how to love myself. I was never taught to be ok with me. So how does one go about doing this? Maybe someone can explain this process to me. Because at 33 years of age, I have no idea what it feels like.


I’ve heard that old cliché that you can never love someone until you love yourself. That is absolutely not true. I love most everyone in my life far more than I have ever loved myself. It’s easier to love others. It takes the focus off me. I’m happy when they are happy. It is my life’s mission to make my children and my husband happy even when some days, I feel as though I’m dying inside.

Failing nursing school pushed me back into a horrible depression. Self doubt haunts me daily. I've accepted it as much as I can and have continued onto the next chapter in my life, hoping and praying everyday that I've made the right decision. I guess only time will tell.

So here is the ultimate million dollar question- How does one learn to love themselves? 

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