to a mother

Writer's Note: This is MY view and MY opinion. So before you go screaming that I'm judgmental and horrible, just remember that. 

I write this out of concern as a mother. This is not to criticize, or judge although I know it may come across that way. Please do not be offended, as it is not my intent. Please just take the time to hear me out and maybe get the perspective on someone on the outside, looking in.

I always feel guilty when Trevor and Savanna come to stay with us. I look at my own children and see all that they have, yet Trevor and Savanna do not have these same things. The biggest reason is because I have taught my children that in order to have these things; they have to work for them. They have to follow the rules and understand discipline. They are held accountable for their daily actions. They are taught to be responsible in and outside of this home. They are taught morals, integrity, value and character. These are the rules we live by day to day. Life cannot be without these rules or we fail as parents and in society. Trevor and Savanna come here believing they do not have to follow rules or be discipline for mistakes that are made. Understand that when I say discipline, I do not mean by spanking. My children are held accountable; they are rewarded with good behavior and punished for bad. Whether is means having a TV taken away, or being grounded, these are the consequences they must suffer when they disobey the rules. I have high expectations from my children and for good reason. My goal as their mother is to make them productive and honest members of society once they leave my home.

I cannot reward Trevor and Savanna when they feel it is not necessary to follow rules. They don’t like rules and they make it very clear that they don’t have any at home. Trevor says he gets to come and go when he wants. That would never be allowed here. Our world is entirely too dangerous for that. Any number of possibilities can happen. I require knowing where they are at all times so that if they end up in a dangerous situation, I can do my part as their mother to protect them. Trevor does not like being told what to do and his attitude every day shows that. Savanna rarely will look me in the eyes when I speak to her and she acts as though she’s afraid of me if I say the word “no”. She is afraid to ask her dad for anything if I’m standing there, for fear of what I might say. She should not feel that way. I am not a horrid woman, but I am strict and I expect certain things from my children. I treat them with respect and will never talk down to them or make them feel like they are a lesser being. All I ask is for the same in return.

I expect my children to do chores. This is not for my benefit. It is for theirs. I can come home and cook and clean all day long and it’s never a problem. I teach my children how to live through daily lives. They can clean, they can do their own laundry, they can mow grass and they are learning to cook. These are the tools they need in order to lead their own lives outside of my home. They will never have to depend on another man or woman to provide for them nor take care of them. They will be self sufficient adults. This is to be expected from any other people once they leave home and live on their own. They have to understand the value of money, what it means to live within a budget and save what they can. They have to understand what it means to *work* for a living in order to have all they need as well as what they might want. They have to learn how to value their material items and not take these things for granted.

Please do not misunderstand; I am not saying that Trevor and Savanna are bad children. They are not. They don’t understand and are very misguided. They live by how they are taught and that is all they know. It breaks my heart when I hear some of the stories they tell me and I feel as though it could have been prevented. Since Matt & I have met, you have moved at least six different times, if not more. That is not the stability they need in life. When they come here, they tell me what a nice home we have and how they wish they could have the things we have. Yet, they are not willing to work in order to get them. They expect us to give them everything that Nate and McKenzie have and that just isn't going to happen unless they are willing to work and earn it. Doing chores around the house is a very small task in comparison to what my kids have in return. If they want to keep it, they simply have to follow the rules. Keep your rooms clean, do dishes when asked, keep your own bathroom clean and do your laundry on your assigned day.  I will always treat Trevor and Savanna just as I treat my own children; no more, no less.  I have the same expectations from them as I do from my own children.

Children do not ask to be brought into this world. They deserve a fair shot at life. I believe it is our goal in life to give that to them, which means putting aside our own selfish desires to give them all they need. Not want, but need. I repeatedly tell my children my #1 philosophy in this house:  You give me what I want; I will give you all that you want. I have held them to this standard and will continue to do so. I expect nothing less than B’s on their report cards. Both Nate and McKenzie are National Beta Club members, which is an honor society for excellence in education. They do community service work as well as maintain their good grades in order to be a part of this organization and they do so with pride. They both play soccer during the Spring and Fall. Nate has been in marching band since he was in 6^th grade; he is now in 10^th. He is trying out to become Drum Captain for his band. He wants to earn scholarships for college and has already decided what he wants to aspire to in life. He is working hard towards his goals. As long as he continues on this path, there is nothing in this world I will not give him. Once he makes the decision to no longer maintain these goals, he will not be rewarded. While you may think it’s too much, it is really quite simple. It gives them a sense of pride to know that they worked hard through determination and perseverance therefore they value what is given to them because they earned it.

This is not to brag about my children. I was 17 when I had Nate. I knew nothing about raising a kid. What I knew was this: They always needed to know they are loved, needed and wanted. I never had this as a child growing up which is why I left home when I was 16. It was my own personal mission in life for my kids to never, ever feel the way my own parents made me feel; unwanted. It’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when you don’t know what you've done wrong. I wanted my kids to have a better life than I had. My life has not always been a bed of roses and I won’t deny that I went through some extremely rough moments but I never wanted my kids to suffer for my downfalls or mistakes.  I've always tried my best to do right by them. It’s not perfect by any means and every day I’m learning something new. Sometimes I’m wrong and I have no problem humbling myself and telling my kids I’m sorry when I've made a mistake. This is part of the process.

Trevor and Savanna are amazing kids. They are sweet and very smart and I love them as though they were my own. They just need a better chance in life and it’s my personal opinion they are not getting that. But it’s just my opinion. My opinion is purely based off observations from day to day life when they are here and only by what they tell us. My intent is not to hurt your feelings or tell you that I’m a better parent than you. I will never say I’m a better parent than anyone; I've made far too many mistakes and I know better.  Do not get the impress that I only treat my kids well or that I would not be willing to do the same for Trevor and Savanna. That is not the case at all.