rebellion

Rebellion. It can be defined as open defiance or opposition. That has been me in many different situations. At one time, I was rebellious against God. I was angry and I didn’t want to go along with His teachings. And you know; you know that you are doing it intentionally and with purpose. The same can be said about fitness and being healthy.

In 2011, I lost 60 pounds while my husband was away. I didn’t do for me as much as I did it for him. This much I know; I didn’t do it for the right reasons and that is why I have gained 50 pounds back since he came home in December 2011. After I regained the first 30 pounds, the rest was just out of spite. I kept telling myself “it is okay, I’ll lose it just like I did before” or that “who needs to be skinny?” I came up with every single excuse you could imagine to regain almost every pound I lost. I even used my husband. He loves me just like I am, no one thinks I’m fat and I’m going to be okay.

Part of that is true. My husband does love me just as I am because this is how I was when he met me. I’m sure there are plenty of people who think I’m fat. Does it matter what they think? Theoretically, it’s not supposed to. But deep down, it hurts like hell and yeah, it does matter. Especially when it comes to my kids, because if they don’t think I’m overweight, something is wrong.

My daughter is 13 years old and she weighs 200 pounds. For the last five years, she has struggled greatly with her weight. Part of that is my fault and part of that is hers. When I went to doctor after doctor and expressed my concerns for her rapid weight gain, I got the same answer “she’ll grow into it when she hits puberty”. I let that lie become an excuse and in the end, it really ended up hurting my daughter. Believe it or not, she does not have self-esteem issues. You will never hear her say “omg I’m so fat” or anything like that. I didn’t raise her to be like that. All I have taught her is that I want her to be healthy, not skinny. She is not teased in school. No one bullies her. She is a very well rounded young lady and for that, I’m incredibly proud. I am pleased that she doesn’t have the stigma so many women have. We look at ourselves in the mirror with horror and distaste because someone in our lives told us that we were less than perfect. In my heart and in my eyes, my daughter is perfectly gorgeous and I will always see her that way, no matter how much she weighs. I guess that is a mother’s prerogative.

The part that is my fault is the part that I have control over most of the time. Eating healthy and setting a good example. That is my fault. My rebellion gives her the impression that what I am doing is okay. It is not. She loves to exercise. She will eat very healthy if she sees me doing it. I know from watching her. She loves healthy food, as do I but we love our sweets. Anyone who says sugar is not an addiction is lying to themselves. It is horrible and being addicted to sugar is as bad as being addicted to cigarettes and it is just as hard of a habit to break as smoking. I’ve done both. Trust me, it is hard.

I have a lot of friends who are into Crossfit and other ways of getting exercise. It was very hard watching them push themselves and do so well. So hard, that most times all I thought were negative things and refused to be encouraged by what they were doing. I was angry with myself for regaining all this weight when I worked so hard to get it off. But honestly, I starved myself a lot too. I’ve watched my daughter do that to herself and it makes my heart hurt deeply. This is what I am teaching my child and it is so wrong. The thing is, I know the right way to do it but I know it is not easy and you don’t get fast results.

I am 34 years old and I am 247 pounds. I don’t like it at all. I’m tired all the time, I don’t sleep well, I hate how I look and yet I find every single excuse not to do anything about it. I was looking for my mojo, my reason to get back into shape and do better. I didn’t think I needed a reason until I saw what I was doing to my daughter. Not only do I need to do this for myself but to set a better example for her. I know she looks up to me. I know she follows every single move I make.

Rebellion is pretty selfish. It not only affected me but those around me. Whether you know it or not, the decisions you make can affect a lot of people. Not just family, but friends and even strangers. My friend Ashley inspired me this morning. For as long as I have known her, she’s not been overweight. She just does it to be a better, healthier person. I’ve watched her journey, her pictures and this morning something just clicked. The wheels began turning and I decided to come at this from a different approach. I should lose weight because I want to, for me and for no one else; to be a better me, but to be a better mom and wife and to set a good example for those around me. I want happiness. I want to really look in the mirror and just be okay with who I am in every sense.

I’ve been on this “self-discovery” journey since January; finding out who I am in every way imaginable. Consider this my next step to a better me. (Without starving myself!)