If You Only Knew

By now, we all know how emotional I am. It’s nothing new. Lately, it has been more than usually. I get pretty weepy these days. I’m not even counting down days. I refuse. Nate will be 18 on Friday. 18. I have been his mother for 18 beautifully chaotic years. Beautiful chaos… It is all I could come up with to sum it up. It has been a privilege to watch this gorgeous child grow into an amazing young man. He has the most beautiful heart, next to his sister. I once said he had the heart of a servant. I still see that in him. He guards his heart fiercely. He loves God. He loves his family. He loves life. He has this contagious smile and he laughs from his belly. The best parts of me I see mixed and mingled into his personality. He still hugs and kisses his mom; even in public. I love that most. This morning, I kept thinking, “I’m going to miss his hugs most.” Those hugs he gives for no other reason than to simply say “I love you”. In a few short weeks, he is going to gradua...

I’ve been reading a lot of stories about people and their struggles with weight. So here is mine to start. My husband deployed to Iraq in 2011. By far, the most trying time in my life; wondering daily if I was going to get “that call”. By the grace and love of God, he came home to me and our four children happy, healthy and most importantly, safely. During that time, I dropped 60 lbs. That’s the most weight I’ve lost in any given time in my life. Up until I was about 15 years old, I never had any issues with weight. I was ADD and until I turned 14, I was on Ritalin. If you know anything about this medication, it prevents you from gaining weight. Up until I started high school, I was all of 90 pounds soaking wet. I looked like a boy. My mom kept my hair short and people made fun of me. After I got off Ritalin, I started my period and began to blossom into a young lady. It wasn’t until I heard my father tell me my butt was spreading and that I had a “bertha butt” that weight...

If I ever become a statistic, the odds will always be in my favor. I’m a stubborn girl. I always have been and always will be. I buck the system every chance I get because I have always wanted to be outside of the norm. Normal is overrated. I am the odd ball, the loner and the awkward one. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ve always had big dreams for my little boy but most importantly, I just wanted him to succeed at life. I prayed for him from the day he was born that he would become great and wonderful and every single moment that passes with him, my prayers have been answered. You probably think I boast and brag on him too much. So what? What mother isn’t prideful of her children? But you have to understand the journey. Me and that kid have been through so much together. He saved my life. Most of you know my story. I left home at the end of my junior year in high school, three months later, I got knocked up and I lived with a friend until three months after Nathaniel wa...

That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger. It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth. I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was...

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...

I think I fell in love with my husband at least ten times yesterday. Maybe eleven. I know without a doubt in my mind who I can count on in my life. I saw a side of my son that I'd never seen before. I cried at least four times on my hiking trip yesterday. God answers prayers no matter where you are or what your circumstance. I had no idea what I was capable of or how far I could be pushed until yesterday. These are just a few things I learned about myself and about those in my life. What started out as a simple hike through the woods turned into a trek through the mountains that seriously had me questioning and doubting myself as a woman. This picture. It was an expression of pain, relief, pride and shame. I have been hiking many times throughout my life. Taking a simple hike, 3-4 miles through nature is easy. I can do that any day of the week. So when my sister offered to take us hiking to The Walls of Jericho, of course I said yes. I truly had no idea what we we...

Rebellion. It can be defined as open defiance or opposition. That has been me in many different situations. At one time, I was rebellious against God. I was angry and I didn’t want to go along with His teachings. And you know; you know that you are doing it intentionally and with purpose. The same can be said about fitness and being healthy. In 2011, I lost 60 pounds while my husband was away. I didn’t do for me as much as I did it for him. This much I know; I didn’t do it for the right reasons and that is why I have gained 50 pounds back since he came home in December 2011. After I regained the first 30 pounds, the rest was just out of spite. I kept telling myself “it is okay, I’ll lose it just like I did before” or that “who needs to be skinny?” I came up with every single excuse you could imagine to regain almost every pound I lost. I even used my husband. He loves me just like I am, no one thinks I’m fat and I’m going to be okay. Part of that is true. My husband does love...