If You Only Knew

The true reality of my divorce hit me this morning when I looked up at the phone and saw today's date. Tomorrow would have been the 12th anniversary of my marriage. While I have no regrets in my decision, it's still a tough pill to swallow... I've known my ex since I was 14 years old. That's a long time. Some days, I still feel like I failed somewhere. I'd like to believe that I gave 100% but honestly, I can't say I did. Some things just aren't meant to be. I won't say that I regret all those years we were together. A lot of good came from that relationship. Most importantly, my two amazing kids. While there were many struggles, tears and broken hearts, I learned a lot. I found out who I was along the way and how much strength I truly had. And I found God. Many, many time, I believed my prayers fell on deaf ears but now looking back, I see why everything happened the way it did. Could I have done things differently? Sure. Would I have? Maybe. Does it mat...

My first blog when I started this was about "finding me". Matt asked me yesterday if I'd found "me" yet and it made me think... In January, I got divorced and almost a year later, I still believe it's the best decision I've made. And the smartest. While I've still had some struggles with it in between, I have no regrets. A month later, that perfect man walked into my life. Perfect. Every single thing about him is perfect, all the way down to his snores at night. He makes me feel invincible. I could conquer the world with him by my side. Some times, its a bit overwhelming. I've never experienced these emotions before. I feel like my heart will explode in my chest. I could cry rivers of joy. But then I sit still, staring out at the stars off my front porch and this blanket of peace covers me completely. Nothing like it in this world. I've spent 31 years living in fear over one thing or another. Today, I'm proud to say, I no longer live that...

I'm still on cloud 23 (that's about 14 up from 9 in case you didn't know)...I had a fantastic weekend. The boys (my man and his brothers) decided they wanted to live on the wild side for the weekend. They turned it into a bike ride/camp weekend. They went camping at Blakely State Park in Spanish Fort, AL. Here is a lil history if you've never heard of it. -Largest National Historic Register Site east of the Mississippi River - encompassing 3800 acres nestled beside the Tensaw River. -Last major battle of the Civil War fought here at Fort Blakeley (5 1/2 miles of unspoiled breastworks where 26,000 soldiers met) -The South's most beautiful Ghost Town - 1814 City of Blakeley You can get more info by clinking the link above. The boys had a fantastic time. So while they were playing Ghost Hunters, my bestie (who I shall call Wi...

Look closely. What do you see? That smile reads pure joy. Love. Loyalty. Passion. How can you not see anything but happiness here? But it goes deeper than that. What you don’t see is what I see when I look in his eyes. More love than any one heart can possibly hold. His tenderness, his compassion, his overwhelming sense of protection, his joy, his encouragement and most of all…his undying faithfulness. This enormous, overwhelming feeling totally engulfs me as I type this and I can’t even think of a word to describe it. Love. But yet, it still doesn’t feel like the right word. Like, this word is too small to describe the feeling. It far exceeds any emotion I’ve ever experienced. Remember that feeling you got when you gave birth to your first child? This comes pretty damn close to it.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. There's been a lot of changes in the last few months. I saw this quote today and it put a lot in perspective: Change. You either love it or you hate it, but either way its coming. Your best bet is to grin and bear it, and pray that when its done tossing you around that you find yourself surrounded by those that you love. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a fan of change. At. All. I'll fight it with everything in me. I'm a very routine person. I like schedules and time and all that responsible stuff. I like doing things my way because it works well for me. I know how its done, when it's done and so forth. I got divorced in January 2010. This, next to having children, has been the biggest change in my life by far. I almost didn't know how to function. I had accepted my life as it was and figured it would always be that way. It was "normal" and routine for me. It's almost bittersweet... Fe...

His Smile His eyes His laugh His voice His hands His protective arms His hugs His Kiss His Sarcasm The way he strokes my cheek The way he plays with my hair The way he just watches me The way he holds me when I’m scared The way he holds my hand as we walk or are driving His enthusiasm The look he gives me when he just wakes up The way he just cuddles me The softness in his eyes when he’s worried about me The way he worries about me The way he tells me everything The way he kisses me to shut me up The way his hand always finds mine The gentleness of his touch The way he cares for me The way he don’t care how hyper or crazy I am The way he kisses my neck The way he looks when he is standing on the doorstep The way he never wants to say goodbye The way he always finds time for one more kiss The way he plays with my kids The way he misses me The way he takes such good care of me when I am not feeling well The way he lets me know just how much I mean to him The way he knows just the right t...

The most difficult thing ever for a parent to do is let a child go. My son has decided he wants to live with his dad when school starts. Hearing those words made me feel like someone ripped my heart out. He turned 13 this year. I didn't think I had to let him go until 18 but it happened alot sooner than I wanted. He's growing up fast and maturing even faster. I know that he needs his dad in his life to teach him how to be a man. In my mind I know this but my heart is having a hard time hearing it. That precious boy has given me 13 amazing years of his life and I've been blessed with being apart of those years. He wants to strengthen his relationship with his dad and that, in my eyes, is a sign of maturity. His dad will be able to guide him in areas of his life that I might otherwise not be able to simply because I'm not a man. I could be selfish and tell him no, but I can't look him in his beautiful brown eyes knowing that I've denied him something that is so ve...

Everyone has a past, whether good or bad. What I've learned is that your past can determine your future depending on how you progress over the years. Some people take what's happened to them over the years and use it for good; to grow and learn. Others become a victim and turn what could be a fruitful life into one full of pain, misery and sorrow. I chose the first. I've witnessed over the years a great many people take their past lives and turn it into something that made their futures bright and plentiful. Take Joyce Meyer, for example. She "suffered sexual abuse as a child and the pain of an emotionally abusive first marriage... battled with breast cancer ...". Her life could have gone in so many different directions but instead she embraced God and all that He had planned for her and made it into something miraculous. She created an organization called Joyce Meyer Ministries and she shares her story all over the world and how you can overcome. I've also w...

This kid… Thirteen years ago, this kid came into my life. He was totally unexpected and was about to turn my world upside down. I was 16, about to be 17 and knew nothing of what it required to care for someone else, let alone myself. Over the last thirteen years, I’ve experienced emotions I never knew existed. Anger beyond words; laughter til tears. I’ve learned to change diapers, distinguish cries, heal scrapes and bruises, mead a broken heart, make life changing decision and prepare a kid friendly meal. I know the Barney song by heart, watch cartoons even when this kid isn’t around and laugh at the Suite Life of Zach & Cody. I own every Disney movie known to man. I know the difference between being “really sick” and just needing attention. I’ve experience heartache worse than anything in the world when I heard the cry that I couldn’t heal. No pain in this world is worse than knowing you can’t “fix it” when it needs to be fix. But there is no better joy than hearing those sweet th...

I'm sick to death of people telling me I've forgotten about them because of Matt. I'm sick of people telling me they are tired of hearing about Matt. My thoughts? Build a bridge and get over it. Seriously. Any person who has been in my life for any length of time knows what these last few years have been like for me. It's been no picnic. I won't say I was totally unhappy, but let's be real. My "friends" know. Or so I thought. I've been through a lot in my life. OK, maybe an understatement but you get the point. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I am at peace. Happy. Joyful. Content. That's not saying that I've never been happy but I define them as happy moments, not a long continuous of joy. Does that make sense? Matt & I don't fuss, we don't fight. We have communication. That is the most important aspect of our relationship. We talk about everything under the sun and over the moon. Not to get off subject.... B...

Some days it's just not enough to say I love you. I love my friends and family. I try hard to be good to those I love and cherish because its what God asks me to do. I've always tried my best to be a good friend but some days, I think I suck at it. Some days it's hard. It takes alot out of me to be there for someone else when I'm struggling just as much as they are but most days, no one ever knows it. They don't know what it does to me, knowing my 13 year marriage failed. They don't know what it's like raising two kids alone, especially when one is a teenager. They don't know what it's like to struggle to raise a family on a single income, not knowing where the next meal might come from. No one knows the inner turmoil I battle on a daily basis and that the only one I have to turn to...is myself. And God. I smile on the inside but there are days I wanna cry for hours but I can't. I like being the one people depend on, but who do I have to depend o...

Things have never quite been this way before. Every time something really good has happened, the other shoes drops and I’m let down or disappointed. I’m not quite sure how to take all this in. I wake up in the morning thinking… “Soon this will all be over” but then I’m surprised that it’s not. It’s a new feeling. It’s hard to explain. When you are used to things being a certain way because it’s been like that for the last 13 years, it makes you a bit insecure because you are waiting for things to fall apart at any moment. I’m not fond of feeling insecure. No one is. It’s the feeling like “this is too good to be true”. I was at one time, hopelessly in love. There were moments in my marriage where I was deliriously happy but it only last for moments at time. It was never a continual on going process. I know that every relationship has up and downs. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise. But events that played out in my past relationship could have been avoided simply by making smarter dec...

Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē-nəs\ Function: noun Date: 15th century 1 obsolete : good fortune : prosperity 2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience That's Webster's definition of happiness. Most everyone in life wants it, most people attain it and others live it. For the better part of life, I've only experienced the first two. Not saying I've never been happy, but it's been more of "happy moments" and not true genuine life-long happiness. This past month...nothing but. This amazing man came into my life and turned my world upside down. Literally. When I got divorced, I was open to the idea of dating but certainly had no intentions of "settling down". I'd been in a relationship for a better part of 13 years and wanted to experience "single life". So when I met this guy, my first thoughts were, "I can see myself dating him". I had no idea it would turn into so much more. Matt ...

Writing gives me peace. It allows me to say what's on my heart and my mind and sometimes it gives me sanity. Over the past few days, I've seen a number of people lose friends, fuss, fight and argue over recent politics. It all takes place on facebook. Sometimes I used facebook to vent and why not? Facebook is only a small group of my most intimate friends. Or so I thought... I use facebook to keep in touch with my friends, here and afar. I also use it to keep in touch with family who lives long distance. My statuses talk about what I'm doing, how I feel or just any random thought that comes to mind. It's MY page. I keep it extremely private because of nosy idiots who have nothing better to do. At one time, I had over 300 "friends". I know I don't have that many friends, half just wanted to be nosy and see what's been going on in my life since high school and the rest just wanted high numbers. That's not my purpose. My purpose to keep in touch and h...

Mixed emotions have been running through me for a few days now. I always have my ups and downs; some days I can handle them and some, I can't. Today is one of those days that I just can't seem to get a grip on anything. I walked away from my divorce with the house, my freedom and my dignity. That's it. I was even willing to give up the house, and on days like today, I almost wished I had. I kept the house for my kids. If he'd asked for it, I would have given it up easily simply because I cannot afford the responsibility that comes along with it. I do my very best to keep it up but at times, it's just too much. Pride is one of those sins that God doesn't like and I have alot of it. It's difficult for me to ask for help and I have to swallow hard when I do. Take for instance the day I walked into DHR. It took everything I had not to grab everything up and walk out, but I stayed; I went through my interview and later found out I was approved for foodstamps. Gre...

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him." Psalm 127:3 God blessed me tremendously when He gave me my children. By far, they are the best life has to offer. I cannot imagine life without them and I hope I never have to. Yesterday, my daughter turned 9. All I can think is, "where have the years gone?" I remember her as a tiny baby and now...she's growing up before my own eyes. It won't be long before prom, first dates and all that good stuff. For now, I'll enjoy these young years and take them all in as slowly as I can. This perfect lil angel far exceeds anything I expect from having a child. She's beautiful, smart and so compassionate. Her love for people amazes me. Innocence at it's best. Everyone is her friend. She has a smile that will melt the coldest heart and eyes you could fall into. How did I get so lucky to have someone like her in my life? I never knew I could love so deep. She fills my heart with so much joy, it...

Today was a fabulously beautiful day. I love spring time. I've always said I love winter but something about the flowers blooming and the gorgeous sun on my face just makes life better. Relay for Life is apart of the American Cancer Society, a cause near and dear to my heart. Many members of my family have been touched by this devastating disease. Each year, we raise money for cancer research and to help those who suffer; whether it's for medical expenses, transportation or just every day life. Our fundraiser this weekend was a Yard/Bake Sale and we were very successful. I didn't have a particular goal set but it still far exceeded my expectations. It helps that I have an awesome team supporting me, who believes in this cause just as much as I do. It was a proud day for me. Along with this awesome weather, I'm looking forward to spending the evening with my amazing man. I met Matt about a month ago. I wasn't looking for anything special; heck I wasn't even looki...

My old blog was my past. This will be my present and my future. I'm starting my life over again. It's a new me with a new attitude. From here on out, I decide what my life will be about. So...let the journey begin. I'm recently divorced, mother of two. My life has taken turns that I never imagined possible. I found courage and strength that I never knew existed in me. The first step in my life was to removed those who did not have some type of positive influence or encouragement. Eliminating negavitity is important to me. I've never thought of myself as a negative person and I don't like those influences in my life. I try my best to look at the positive aspect, to be encouraging whenever possible and that's what I need in my life right now. My second step is to find me. That might seem odd to some people. You might ask "Where did you go?" and I thought the same thing. I'm on this self discovery mission to find my likes, dislikes and what direction...