If You Only Knew

If I ever become a statistic, the odds will always be in my favor. I’m a stubborn girl. I always have been and always will be. I buck the system every chance I get because I have always wanted to be outside of the norm. Normal is overrated. I am the odd ball, the loner and the awkward one. I’m perfectly okay with that. I’ve always had big dreams for my little boy but most importantly, I just wanted him to succeed at life. I prayed for him from the day he was born that he would become great and wonderful and every single moment that passes with him, my prayers have been answered. You probably think I boast and brag on him too much. So what? What mother isn’t prideful of her children? But you have to understand the journey. Me and that kid have been through so much together. He saved my life. Most of you know my story. I left home at the end of my junior year in high school, three months later, I got knocked up and I lived with a friend until three months after Nathaniel wa...

That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger. It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth. I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was...

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...

I think I fell in love with my husband at least ten times yesterday. Maybe eleven. I know without a doubt in my mind who I can count on in my life. I saw a side of my son that I'd never seen before. I cried at least four times on my hiking trip yesterday. God answers prayers no matter where you are or what your circumstance. I had no idea what I was capable of or how far I could be pushed until yesterday. These are just a few things I learned about myself and about those in my life. What started out as a simple hike through the woods turned into a trek through the mountains that seriously had me questioning and doubting myself as a woman. This picture. It was an expression of pain, relief, pride and shame. I have been hiking many times throughout my life. Taking a simple hike, 3-4 miles through nature is easy. I can do that any day of the week. So when my sister offered to take us hiking to The Walls of Jericho, of course I said yes. I truly had no idea what we we...

Rebellion. It can be defined as open defiance or opposition. That has been me in many different situations. At one time, I was rebellious against God. I was angry and I didn’t want to go along with His teachings. And you know; you know that you are doing it intentionally and with purpose. The same can be said about fitness and being healthy. In 2011, I lost 60 pounds while my husband was away. I didn’t do for me as much as I did it for him. This much I know; I didn’t do it for the right reasons and that is why I have gained 50 pounds back since he came home in December 2011. After I regained the first 30 pounds, the rest was just out of spite. I kept telling myself “it is okay, I’ll lose it just like I did before” or that “who needs to be skinny?” I came up with every single excuse you could imagine to regain almost every pound I lost. I even used my husband. He loves me just like I am, no one thinks I’m fat and I’m going to be okay. Part of that is true. My husband does love...

Okay, so most of you know I’m a holiday Scrooge. I just think holidays were created to suck the money out of everyone. Even birthdays. Be that as it may, Mother’s Day is right around the corner. For a long time, it was probably my least favorite. I never thought about myself when it came to Mother’s Day. I always thought about my mom. That’s hard. Yesterday, I began thinking more and more about Mother’s Day. I like to believe I am a humble person. I try to believe that anyway. So imagine my surprise when it hit me that Mother’s Day is, in fact, about me. Not me, but…well let me explain. My two oldest are (almost) 17 and 13. Let that sink in for a minute. I have been raising two precious lives for 17 years. My kids are proof that God takes something that, at the time, was wrong and turned it into something beautiful and wonderful. I was 16 and I was not prepared to be a mother at all. I didn’t know the first thing. But in that short time, I learned that my life was no longer ...

Nathaniel is going to be 17 next month. I’m having a hard time swallowing that. Regrets? Yeah. Trying to remember every single moment I had with him. It is impossible. I hope I remember the ones that count. I hope he does too. I hope he knows I did the very best I could, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I hope he knows how fiercely I tried to protect his heart against the uglies of this world, including his father. I hope he will always know that no matter what, I have and will always love him with every fiber of my being. I yell, I scream, I get angry. I stress, I worry. But it has all been done with love. More love than you could possibly imagine. I spent 17 years desperately praying and seeking out what God wanted from me, in order to raise this young man. I wanted him to be everything I was not and more. He has the kindest heart and a gentle soul. He loves music and food. Sometimes he’s likes to draw; he loves soccer, even at its hardest moments. He loves to be encourag...

I am going to tell you a story. It is a story of love, surrender and peace. There is a hero in the end. But there usually is, right? Right. Four years ago, I met this guy through a friend. I wasn't looking for love at all. Just a companion, a friend, someone to share with. After 13 years in hell, who really wants to look for love again? Not this girl. So this guy, he was pretty nice. A gentleman. You don't come across too many these days. We became friends, talking every day, having lunch and what not. As the days passed, I found myself falling in love. I was scared. Neither of us wanted to get married again and we certainly weren't looking for anything long term. But as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, God has better plans for us. I remember the day I told him I was in love with him. It is still fresh in my mind. It was night time and we were standing on the front porch having a cigarette. I debated on whether I should tell him or not. ...

I found myself in a funk over the weekend. One of those "I cannot tolerate people" moods. I just wanted to be left to my own devices. I got what I asked for. Hubby had to work all weekend and the kids have managed to keep themselves preoccupied at the neighbors. So I decided to take advantage of this beautiful weekend and I washed my car. I got more than I bargained for. My mind went into deep thought and I was overrun with emotional trauma. Anything and everything you could think of went through my head. It can be pretty overwhelming. I didn't plan to attend church today. I would have been content laying in bed all day, moping about. My kids, on the other hand, love being in church and so I am very grateful for their motivation to get me up and out. After church I came home and found myself once again, alone. A friend passed on some bad news and I instantly started to cry. My heart broke to pieces and I began to pray. In the midst of all this, I decided to google ...

So this is where I begin. I don’t know how or what I need to do but here is where I start.   I am angry and hurt. I have been for 18 years of my life. I’ve only recently to come realize it fully. I am angry at my parents for turning their backs on me when I needed them most. I am angry at my father for loving my mother more than me. I am angry at my mother for making me feel as though she never loved me and never wanted me. That is how she made me feel, whether she admits to it or not. I am angry because as a mother to four kids, I cannot EVER imagine turning my kids away, no matter what they do in their lives, good or bad. My parents did that to me. Maybe I was a bad kid; I don’t necessarily agree with that but whatever. No matter what I did to either of them, they NEVER should have turned their backs on me. Never. I am angry at family who never once asked my side of the story and never stood up for me. I love my Grandmother because no matter what, she loved me and stuck h...

For the last few years, I stopped talking about my faith and beliefs. I left a church that made me ashamed of what I believed in because they turned their back on me. It wasn’t about reaching out and helping others. It was about making more money. It was about finding a bigger building. It was about gossip. It stopped becoming about Jesus and serving others. I didn’t want what they were offering anymore. So I left and in my mind agreed that I would never go back. I will be the first to tell you that you do not have to go to church to believe in God. You don’t. Nowhere in the bible does it say that. God says we are to worship and fellowship. We can do that outside of a church building. So for several years, this became my mantra. I didn’t preach at people; I didn’t even talk to people about God. It scares people. It even scared me. I was worried if I would upset someone if I told them about my faith and what I believed. I have seen a lot of my friends turn their backs on faith...

Have you ever seen one of those mothers or wives, all put together, well behaved children and you just knew they had it all together? Shoot, I have had that compliment paid to me a time or two. I wish it were true. Honestly, I am completely falling apart on the inside. Don't get me wrong! I am happy! Life at home is fabulous! Trying to find my place...that appears to be my theme for 2014. It is not easy, let me tell you. I have applied for job after job after job. By the time I finish the application, I have changed my mind fifteen times and come up with 102 reasons why this job won't work for me. But the real truth is- I still want to be a nurse. Yesterday, I sat in church, listening to the music, looking around and observing what was going on. Everyone looked as though they had it all together. I know that each of us has our struggles but some really do have it all together. One of the members got up front during the music and called for her Prayer Warriors. I like t...

I have never been a fan of group workouts. What I mean by that is, activities such as aerobics, boot camps, crossfit or even yoga. I cannot stand to be in an environment that draws attention to me. It throws my anxiety into overdrive. Here is an example of why: Over two years ago, I decided I would give Fitness Boot Camp a try. A friend told me about it and invited me to come. I had been running already and needed an extra boost to kick my weight loss into gear. I decided to try and overcome my fear and go along. So I did. Just so happened, I knew the guy who was running it, Chris. We went to college together. So I thought, "okay, I can do this". By the time I left that night, I was discouraged, disappointed and in a lot of pain. I cried the entire way home. Why? Because the ONLY person who pushed me and encouraged me was Chris. Everyone else looked at me like I was a leper. I can only imagine what they were thinking. "She's too slow." "What in the hell i...

"Fat disgusting pig..." "Oh my God how did you let yourself get like that?!" "If I could just have surgery, maybe they would love me more..." "I wish I were still that skinny." Horrible, mean and hateful words, aren't they? Would you say something like that to any overweight person you came across? Do those thoughts go through your head when you see someone so obese, it just makes you sick? Would you even say that to your own child? No, you say? Then why would you say that to yourself? Because guess what? People do it every day and unfortunately, I am one of those. Not long ago, I came across an article discussing this very same thing. I would never, in a million years, on my worst day, say something like that to any individual. So then why would I say something like that about myself? Honestly, I don't have an answer. I just do. I don't like what I see in the mirror most days and for whatever reason, I lost the motivation...

You don’t know the story of my parents and I am not going to tell you. It is too long and involved and there is too much I don’t remember. What I can tell you is this-it is time for me to let it all go.   It started before I left home. It started long before I became a teenager. I don’t know why or how, but it did. What I can tell you is that it left a family broken, damaged and sad. Because even though we go on with our day to day lives; life just isn’t the same. It never will be.   I knew the time would come eventually but it was easier to hold on to the anger and disappointment because I had someone to blame and it made me look like a victim. That is a bitter pill to swallow when that reality hits you. That is not what I want and it is not how I choose to live my life. I am a great mother, a great wife and an even better person and unfortunately, my parents will never know that personally. It makes me sad for them because while they are missing out, I am mis...