If You Only Knew

I enjoy the holidays. Not because of the gifts but because I always associate it with family time. I've spend many Christmases and Thanksgivings in Illinois with my grandparents. It's what I loved most and memories I cherish deeply. The first Thanksgiving Matt and I spent together, I took him to meet my family up North. They grew to love and accept him immediately and that was very important to me. I knew he'd met their approval. Holidays get harder because of the distance and I can't always make it up there to see them. What's hardest is that I have family right here and I can't see them. I always wonder if I'll run into them at the store or see them in passing; how would they respond or would they even acknowledge me. Many times I've heard the phrase "you are not my daughter" and it just rips my heart out over and over again. Yet somehow, each time I allow them back into my life, I can forgive and forget those horrid words. My heart is a f...

It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion…you know its coming and you know that unless you are Superman, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. That’s how I felt yesterday when the ex shared the news of his upcoming nuptials as well as the new addition to his family. First, let me say that what he does with his life is not my concern and I could care less. Congrats. But when it comes to my children…that’s entirely different. Nate’s reaction didn't surprise me. It usually doesn't  He’s so laid back and at times, care free. He was just indifferent. McKenzie …she hasn't spoken to or seen him for a better part of a month or so. Some issues happened and she just decided she’d had enough. Or at least that’s what I could gather. So when he shared his news with her all that changed. I’m not gonna deny it, I will pretty upset. Mainly because I saw a flash forward of how badly this would all turn out. A new baby? Yeah…we all know how that...

Hands down, my 30s have been the best years of my life thus far. I have so much to look forward to and I'm so thankful for what each day brings. A huge part of that is the family that adopted me when I married Matt. Many times, I've said family isn't always about blood relations. It's true. I've never had more love and acceptance in my life. We share a bond that even blood family may not understand. God saw fit to put together a bunch of damaged, broken individuals who don't judge, who listen and understand and who will have your back, no matter what the circumstances. I haven't even had that from my own blood family. Acceptance is a big deal for me. Probably at the top of my priority list when it comes to close friends and family. We all have a past. Some uglier than others, but you know what? When we are together, none of that matters. It doesn't define us, it only makes us stronger and better. When Matt is gone, they take good care of me. They cal...

My many reasons for having a grateful heart today and every day: 1. Unconditional love. In spite of all my mistakes as a mother, my children have a heart so big that they can look beyond any bad words spoke. To have a relationship so strong, nothing on this earth will break it. Not even God himself. 2. Trust. I've been trusted with the lives of two beautiful souls. That’s a pretty overwhelming and awesome task. Ask any mother. 3. Anger. Out of anger comes tears, love and hugs. 4. Peace. The overwhelming feel that washes over you when you sit at your kitchen table, gaze out the window and realize that beyond all the inner demons in your life now and before, you've never  had this much peace in your life as you do right now. 5. Happiness. Driving down a country road, on a crisp, fall morning, looking around at all the beautiful reds, golden yellows and fiery oranges of the trees as they change colors. Or waking up, only to see the most beautiful man you...

Politics has been the mainstream for the last month or more. Up until a year or so ago, I didn't give much thought to politics. I turned a blind eye to most of it, foolishly I might add. While I'm still figuring policies and legislation, it's given me much time to decide what I truly believe in as an American citizen. Here's what I've come up with thus far: 1. Abortion-while I don't agree with it, I do not believe the government has the right to tell me what to do with my body. As a woman, I find that deeply offensive. This is MY body and I'll do with it as I see fit. You don't like abortions? Don't get one. No man, woman or child should ever be told what to do with their bodies, much less by the government. 2. Marriage-Gay, straight, curved or crooked. I don't care. It's not my business who you love or don't love or whom you choose to spend the rest of your life with. It certainly is none of the government's business and they s...

I feel everything tenfold. I was built that way and most times, I simply cannot control it. I've tried for many years. When I love, I love hard and passionately. I give all of me. When I’m angry, the whole world knows. And when I’m sad, I cry a river until I’m dry. The last two months have brought out an overwhelming amount of emotions; some I cannot even describe. I've doubted myself, I've hated myself but rarely any of it has been joy. My only peace in this chaos has been my husband and my kids. How can someone be so incredibly happy yet so miserable at the same time? I felt like I was torturing myself. I made the decision to have a family first and then a career. There is no book giving us directions in life. So I finally came to the realization that it was ok to take this course in my journey. It struck me as odd when I saw so many of my friends having babies for the first time, while I was 15 years into raising two children. Yet, they had already established their ...

Not by a long shot. I didn't start college two years ago to give up and just quit. So nursing just wasn't for me. I thought I was always meant to help people and this was the way to go. Maybe not. But I've learned their are other ways to use the gifts I've been blessed with. So I'll continue on the original path I sought, which was psychology. I'm smart. Just not nursing smart. And that's ok I suppose. It still stings. I failed. I don't do that often and I guess it's just a huge blow to my ego. I've spent more time worrying about others think of me and that is probably what hurts the most. "She failed?!" Yeah, I did. Let me see you do this shit. Any one of my fellow nursing students will tell you-it ain't easy! It only gets harder! Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm really not stupid and that it's ok. I don't know. I feel like a failure and I don't want to feel that way. I'm eight cl...

Sometimes we don’t know or understand why we do the things we do. Me, I can tell you some. It’s not what others want to hear but in my world, its truth regardless of whether you want to believe it in your own mind. I remember being told, “I used to think we were being bad parents but doctors told us it was you”. That stings. But the funny thing about it, I’m now 33 years old and I realize-it WAS you. I’ve taken enough basic psychology classes to know and understand many things about a young mind. Children only think with their cognitive minds. It has to be in black and white. There is no grey area for them. Either you love them or you don’t. Regardless of what you feel as a parent or what you believe in your own mind, it just doesn’t work that way for a child. So when you treat a child a particular way or act negatively, they only have one way to respond. This person doesn’t like me. Maybe they don’t love me. There are certain parts of my life that I have absolutely no recollecti...

In 33 years, I believe the hardest thing I've had to do is tell my son I failed. Not once, but twice. It brought me to tears. That look in his face; it was disbelief. Not that I didn't do well but that he KNEW and he saw how much and how hard I'd been studying. The time that it took from him and from the rest of my family; trips had to be cancelled, games had to be skipped. I sacrifice a lot. I keep asking myself is it worth it? Some days, I don't know the answer. Today, I wanted to give up. I thought about it. I looked at all the work that I'd been doing, all the studying, homework, reviewing, getting advice and info from currently nursing students; all this to only fail my second test. I don't want pity; I want to know why. What did I do that caused me to fail? I have the knowledge. I know the legal and ethics behind nursing. Ask me anything. I can tell you that when you give an enema to a patient, they need to be in the Sims' position. I know down to...

I debated on whether I’d come up for air long enough to even type this but since I am taking Kenzie to soccer practice shortly, I’ll use my time wisely. I feel like I’ve spent the last hour accomplishing nothing and that bothers me some. Trying to find “techniques” for studying and memorizing and what will work to remember everything I have to remember in no small feat and it’s rather frustrating. Everyone wants to tell me how to study or what works best for them. Considering that I bombed my first test of the semester, I figured what I was doing wasn’t working and that I’d do well to find something that did work and quickly. I’m just not sure what that is but with the advice of a friend, I think I might be able to get there. I knew Nursing school would be tough. But I really didn’t KNOW. Man. Yeah, I get that it’s supposed to be that way. You want your nurse to know her shit so that when she comes at you with this long needle, you know you are getting exactly what you are suppose...

This post came courtesy of a blog that I've been following for the last few weeks. This man is phenomenal when it comes to life lessons. No lie. I have oodles of respect for him. I'm going to back track for a moment. I was 17. I had no clue what it meant to raise another human being. Hell, I hadn't even given any thought to whether I wanted to have kids when I grew up. But at this point in life, I really didn't have any choice. Here I was, staring down at this beautiful, scary nine pound baby boy and I was terrified that I'd somehow ruin his life. From there, I proceeded into a miserable, horrifying marriage that turned me into someone I did not want to be. I had all the excuses in the world to stay but I lived in too much fear to leave. After 13 years, I found My Brave. (Thanks DDW..he found his Happy.) Fast forward to age 29. Divorced, free and still unhappy. Why? Because at this point in my life, I had no idea where I was going, how I was planning to get the...

Last night, I glanced over my shoulder and smiled to the sound of video games resounding from the TV as it mixed in with my classical music. Matt looked up and said, "I love you" then returned his attention to his game. I turned my attention back to my Med Term book and felt that warm fuzzy feeling inside bubble up. This is one of the many reasons he's my best friend. He doesn't like for me to sit alone in our bedroom while I study and for as long as I've been in school, it's been this way. I'll come into our room either to do homework or peruse over the lesson for the next day. I’ll sit for maybe 10-15 minutes and before long, he’s wrapped up in bed with his Xbox controller to keep me company. Every now and again, I’ll read something out loud or say “did you know…?” and he’ll turn his attention towards me long enough to let me finish and then go back to his game. Whether he retains that info or not makes no difference to me. He’s there and that’s the ...

1. I burp. A lot. Sometimes in public. 2. I do NOT like attention being drawn to me. At all. Despite popular belief. Ask Matt. I will flip the freak out. 3. I love Disney movies. Right now my favorite is The Emperor’s New Groove. Uh huh. Look at me and my bad self. 4. I cry too much. 5. I'm terrified of doing aerobics in public. Read #2. 6. I’m finding that the older I get, the less compassion I seem to have. I have yet to determine if this is good or bad. 7. I’m not a fan of politics and sometimes I don’t understand it. What I don’t like is my money being taken from me for no good reason. It’s that simple. 8. I LOVE my kids. I hate everyone else’s. Well…most of them anyway. 9. My favorite place to be in the whole world is curled up in bed with my husband. 10. Sometimes I wish I could go back to 16 year old me. I’d tell her life does get better. 11. I do not like big crowds. 12. Some days, I’m perfectly content being left alone. 13. I am terrified o...

You wanna know the great thing about my life? Happiness. Yep. Probably the one thing most people take for granted. Until you grasp the idea that you’ve spent a large majority of your life unhappy. There is not one single circumstance about my life at this very moment that does not make me happy. Sure, we have instances and struggles but those are temporary. That lasts for less than five minutes and then you stop, look around, and realize there is just too much good to be unhappy for any period of time. Next week, I’ll turn 33. The last three years has by far, been the best. I wasn’t one of those people who faked being SO upset when they turned 30. Nope. I fully embraced it. It meant change. Lots and lots of changes were coming for me and I knew it. It meant I was leaving my past behind and starting over fresh. That’s just what I did. I feel like I was given a second chance at life. Second chances…not many of us get those. Most don’t fully grasp what that means and how that changes ...

I'm happy. I'm happy with my life, with most of the people who choose to be apart of it and everything else in general. But I'm not happy with me and I haven't been for quite awhile. Talking to Matt last night, I told him I just felt disgusting. While he was deployed, I lost 60 pounds. It took a lot of hard work, life changes and lots of determination. It's the most I'd ever lost at one time. Since January, I've gained almost 25 of that back and I'm disappointed in myself. Somehow I lost the motivation to keep going to get to my ultimate goal. In talking with him, I also told him that I needed to stop downing myself so much or people wouldn't want to be around me anymore. Let's face it-do you really want to hang around someone who is so negative about themselves? Not really. I know I don't. No one wants to keep hearing you say "I'm fat". Well, then I say- do something about it. I hear comments and compliments all the time. ...

Sitting in the parking lot of Hardee's today, I turned my radio off and just looked around. I watched the numerous cars as they passed by. I watched clouds roll in from the rain. I just stared off, thinking about this place that I call home. It has been my home for the better part of 20 years. It brings me comfort and peace. I feel safe here. Growing up as a military kid, I never knew what home was. I hold on to that sense of safety and security but not naive to the fact that we do not live in a perfect world. Violence can be seen in the news daily; so much so that I grow tired of watching. It's depressing. This morning was no different. Senseless killing of innocent people has been happening in our world for generations. Why is it only recently that more and more people take notice? Because it's hitting way too close to home and people are beginning to realize that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted. Sadly, most people figure that out when it's too late...

I'm an emotional kinda gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As tough as I try to be, I have more compassion than you could possibly imagine. I guess that's one of the many reasons I've wanted to become a nurse. So here it is, not even noon and I've probably cried or teared up at least 3-4 times. Why? I was listening to my iPod on the way home from picking up my kids from camp and a song came on that immediately sent my thoughts to Matt. I thought back to the first night we met and like a cheshire cat, my whole face lit up. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst in my chest, I got the warm fuzzies and then I started to cry. Not just tear up but CRY. Yeah. I'm a cry baby. It's the feeling that moves you to the most beautiful tears. Knowing that someone loves you more than themselves. That's hard to find. He can walk in a room and my whole world will stand still. That look he gives me ...butterflies, have mercy. When he wraps his arms around me, I ...

Everyone has their own demons. Mine; self worth. It is an ugly demon to battle and one that has defeated me for too many years. Sometimes it is all-consuming and enough to send me into a deep, dark place. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't do enough. Those are the thoughts and feelings that haunt me daily. Yesterday, I posted a status on facebook. My one wish in this world would be to see myself through someone else's eyes; to be able to see how everyone else sees me. Just for one day. Maybe then I could change my opinion. The first half of my life consisted of feeling completely unworthy of any kind of love, caring or compassion. To feel unwanted, undesired and unneed is incredibly painful. To come to this realization is heartbreaking. Emotional pain is far worse than any kind of physical pain that can be inflicted on me. It explains a lot about certain parts of my life. It also explains the reason I married the first idiot that gave me the ti...

Sometimes it's like watching my life through a movie. Sitting here, even after two years, I still ask myself, "is this real?" Yeah, I'm sure some people are rolling their eyes and most won't even finish reading this. So what. You'd have to truly understand what my previous marriage was like in order to fully comprehend why I'm in such awe of the man who chose me to be his bride today. He opens doors for me. He kisses me good night every single night. At any given moment, he just has to reach out and touch me. I think he does it to make sure I'm still there. I love the way he smiles at me. Or when I'm in the kitchen and he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me to kiss me neck. I've only seen this kinda stuff in movie. Fortunately for me, it's my life. I never take a second of it for granted. I love the way he makes me laugh. We're like two kids playing together. We were in the walmart parking lot the other day when all th...

A few days ago, I wrote a blog post. A very deep and personal blog post. I debated on whether I should publish it. After sharing it with a few people closest to me in life, I made the decision not to make it public. It was one of those moments where I needed to get my feelings on paper. Having read it days later and listening to my friends, I realized it was a very angry blog. It was about my mother. Anyone that knows me, knows that it's been an ongoing battle as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately, it's one that I have lost. Last year, I made the difficult decision to invite her back into my life. What made it so difficult? I didn't even discuss it with my husband before I made the decision. I was afraid he'd talk me out of it and I needed this courage. See, Matt was coming home for four days before he went off to Iraq. Now, don't think for a single moment that I did not believe my husband wasn't coming back to me. BUT...you just don't play with f...

I knew it would be an emotional day when I saw the date on the calendar. March 31st-exactly one year from the date I started my weight loss journey. This journey has been emotional, to say the least. It's taken me to places in my life I'd never been. Frustrating, grateful, joyful...and so much more. It has definitely been a struggle but one I'm very proud of. I've battled with my weight for all of my adult life. I've exercised, I've done diets, but nothing I was truly dedicated to until now. The support I've been given in the last year has been insurmountable. It's pushed me along in my journey, kept me encouraged and helped me to fight for what I truly wanted; a healthy life and a complete change in my self esteem. My attitude towards myself has changed tremendously. I still have those moments of weakness but I know mentally and emotionally, I'm not who I was a year ago. I had a lot to prove to myself. I still feel I do. I want need to know ...