If You Only Knew

Some days it's just not enough to say I love you. I love my friends and family. I try hard to be good to those I love and cherish because its what God asks me to do. I've always tried my best to be a good friend but some days, I think I suck at it. Some days it's hard. It takes alot out of me to be there for someone else when I'm struggling just as much as they are but most days, no one ever knows it. They don't know what it does to me, knowing my 13 year marriage failed. They don't know what it's like raising two kids alone, especially when one is a teenager. They don't know what it's like to struggle to raise a family on a single income, not knowing where the next meal might come from. No one knows the inner turmoil I battle on a daily basis and that the only one I have to turn to...is myself. And God. I smile on the inside but there are days I wanna cry for hours but I can't. I like being the one people depend on, but who do I have to depend o

Things have never quite been this way before. Every time something really good has happened, the other shoes drops and I’m let down or disappointed. I’m not quite sure how to take all this in. I wake up in the morning thinking… “Soon this will all be over” but then I’m surprised that it’s not. It’s a new feeling. It’s hard to explain. When you are used to things being a certain way because it’s been like that for the last 13 years, it makes you a bit insecure because you are waiting for things to fall apart at any moment. I’m not fond of feeling insecure. No one is. It’s the feeling like “this is too good to be true”. I was at one time, hopelessly in love. There were moments in my marriage where I was deliriously happy but it only last for moments at time. It was never a continual on going process. I know that every relationship has up and downs. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise. But events that played out in my past relationship could have been avoided simply by making smarter dec