If You Only Knew

I was standing in the shower and through the frosted glass I saw his image in the bedroom. I smiled and sighed happily. It's been a week since he's returned home from Iraq. It's been an incredible journey for me, to say the least. I learned a lot about myself. I discovered how much strength I had in me. People have told me numerous times that "I'm a strong woman" but I just believed I knew how to survive in bad situations. Knowing survival and having strength and courage are very different in my opinion. I've always done what was necessary to get by in life. This was extremely different circumstances. For all intents and purposes, my husband went off to war. I stayed behind to take care of our family and our home. And myself. I don't know if this deployment changed who I am but I know it changed my perception of myself. I worked very hard at that. I worked hard on me, physically and emotionally. I expected to have to readjust to him being home. In mos

I received an email tonight, asking me if what I was going through over these last 7 months was worth it. And without any hesitation, I said Yes. I wouldn't change a thing. So he asked me why? Why, as a woman, would I put myself in this kind of situation that leaves you alone, vulnerable, powerless at times, overwhelmed and most nights, in tears. And my answer was this: Have you ever stopped dead in your tracks and looked around you to see where your life was headed? Was this the path you'd chosen? Or was is dictated to you? Was it "safe" so you went along with it, not knowing what would happen, but as long as you were "comfortable", that's all that mattered? Whatever happen to having expectations? Aspirations? Achievements? A real life. Leaving behind a legacy that people will one day and look back on and say "yes, she did great things with her life...he family and friends would be proud"? How many people truly view our existence in this

I ran this morning, thinking about Matt and our life together. No matter what anyone says, it’s the simple things that you miss the most when your spouse is gone and it’s these memories I cherish every single second he’s away. I’d hear my alarm go off at 5:15 each morning. I’d hit the snooze button, roll over and throw my arm over him. He’d move just the tiniest bit, acknowledging my gesture. I’d move in a little closer, pressing my body as tightly next to his as I could, sometimes throwing my leg over his. I’d hear him moan softly and push himself against me. He’d inhale deeply as I’d nuzzle my chin into the sweet spot of his neck. His sigh of content always gave me the biggest smile. We’d lay there for about 15 minutes until I’d hear my alarm going off again, signaling me that cuddle time was over. As I moved to shut it off, I’d hear his small groan and I’d giggle. Finally, I’d roll out of bed, heading toward the kitchen to make our coffee. I’d make my rounds to the kids, telling t

I spent a better part of my life worrying over events of the past that I had absolutely no control over. Because that's who I was. Or at least that's who I defined myself as. A control freak. At age 32, it took that span of my life to realize I cannot control what other people do. Or how they react to situations. Or how they treat you as a person. I once saw a quote that stated, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours". It clicked with me. Revelations come to me at the most unusual times. Yesterday was one of those times. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden, the thought of my mother popped in my head. For so long, I was jealous of other women and girls who had such wonderful mother/daughter relationships. I wanted that so badly for myself but was never able to get there. And as I struggled to get through this week, I couldn't help be think "anyone else's mom would be comforting and supportive." I haven't hea

This is how I spent my morning. He woke me at 5:30 this morning and I spent the next few hours in bed video chatting. Sometimes he'd look at me funny and ask me what I was doing and I'd say, "just laying here, looking at your face and listening to your voice..." and then he'd just smile and say "I love you". I miss my best friend. As I was listening to him talk, the slow realization started to sink in and my heart began to drop. He was there. And I am here. This sucks. I laid there for about 10 minutes, mesmerized by his tone and this feeling just began to overwhelm me. I didn't cry or get upset. Almost six months he's been gone and for whatever reason, it just now hit me. It became very real. He was "supposed" to be home in two weeks for his R&R. He asked me not to tell anyone and I didn't. He wanted it to be a surprise. We got word a week ago that it was bumped. So now we just sit patiently and wait for the opportunity to aris

I chose to go through this deployment. I knew about it before I'd met Matt. I chose to love him completely and unconditionally, knowing that he'd have to leave me and our family behind. I try daily to stay positive but some days, it's a real struggle. One thing I do know is that this deployment has only made us stronger in many ways. We've always had great communication and it's gotten even better. We take absolutely nothing for granted. Every single second I get to hear his voice is priceless to me. I can't wait for my husband to come home but I will wait and be even stronger for it. I have found strength beyond what I knew existed in me. I've also found out who truly supports me through difficult times. Many people before this deployment were quick to say, "I'll be there" and later, when put to the test, came to fail. The most difficult moments for me, are ones people take for granted in their day to day lives. Cooking for him, doing his

This image inspired me today, in more ways than one. Look at the smile on that kid's face. Priceless. The weather matched my mood. As the day went on, my mood got worse and worse until I realized if I didn't get out of the house, I was gonna blow. So, I decided it was time to run it out. I scooped up the kids and headed to Village Green in Millbrook. The kids went off to play in the park and I started my first lap. I usually try to walk the first quarter mile to warm my legs up. I've battled with shin splits since I started in the gym five months ago. It's rather frustrating when your mind says one thing and your body screams another. Yet, I don't give up; I keep pushing and pushing because I know that I can do this. I got started running my second lap and made it about half way through when my legs started hurting. This happened on and off for the remaining mile and a half. By mile and a quarter, I'd decided I was going to quit and call it a day but s

Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. Understatement of the year. And my biggest blessing. It's been almost five months now. Summer flew by and I'm so thankful it did. I'd never wish away my life but I'd be all too happy for the next seven months to disappear by tomorrow morning. While most days are better, I did worry for awhile. My bad days were beginning to outweigh the good. I was very excited when school started, then marching band started and now I'm constantly busy and on the go. It truly is a blessing. It's also been six months since I married my best friend. It seems like yesterday we were just in Vegas saying I do. It made my heart a lil sad when I realized we've spent more time apart as husband and wife, than we have together. I keep telling myself it's only temporary and that he'll be home soon but some times it's just not enough. Night time is still hardest. I've found that I wait until I'm absolutely

It's been three months since he left and not a single second goes by that I don't think about him. It's not getting easier but just tolerable. We spent four glorious days together and I cherished every single moment he was in my site. Then he left again and he took my heart with him; he left his behind. I miss him so much. Some days, it's all I can do just to get outta bed. Then some days I can't get out of bed fast enough because he's not in it with me. I keep a pile of clothes in the bed just so something is there...so it's not empty. I hate it. I miss going to sleep in his arms every night. I miss waking up to his beautiful face. I miss every thing about him... My kids are my saving grace. If it weren't for them, I know that I wouldn't be able to get through this. My son is just amazing. He just knows the right moments. I'm so very grateful for the wonderful relationship we have. He heard me in my room crying the other day and ran in there and

Yesterday, I was accepted into Nursing school at Troy University. Yay me!! For most people, it was just a simple congratulations. Don't get me wrong. I'm ever so grateful for all the well wishes. But you have to understand the history behind it all. I've only shared that with two important people in my life; my husband Matt and my friend, Tonya. It's taken two years and four attempts for me to apply to nursing school. Timing was always wrong, grades weren't what they should be and I was getting discouraged. I had decided if I didn't get it this time, I was going to give up but I knew that attitude would get me no where. I left my job with the State before I knew my application status with Troy. I took a huge leap of faith. See, for as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a nurse. No, really. Even when I was a little girl, I said I'd wanted to be a nurse some day. Now, I know we all have our phases as kids of being doctors and lawyers and fire

There has never been a worse feeling than waking up at 2am, only to roll over and your husband isn't there. This isn't the first time it's happened but for some reason, last night was different. Normally, it's waking up in the morning after having a dream and then seeing his spot empty. Last night was different because it was almost shocking. It was as if this last month had just been a dream and he was home all along. Sadly, it's reality. I knew when I met Matt that he was going to be deployed. Actually, I knew before I met Matt. One of his co-workers was dating a friend of mine. So when things started to get serious between us, I already knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought anyway. I've grown up in the military all of my life. Both of my parents were retired Air Force, my brother served in the Navy and many of my grandparents, unc les and so forth had served as well. Even my ex-husband served in the Army. And knowing everything that I know about the m

I met Kym a few years ago through a writing group I had joined. She had just moved here from Texas. The first time we met, we had lunch at Burger King. Later, we were reintroduced through a job I had taken with the Montgomery Advertiser. Since then, we've become pretty close. Whether she knows it or not, Kym is a huge inspiration and role model. She has become one of my closest friends and also my biggest encourager; next to my husband, of course. Her strength and encouragement has made me strive to be a better, healthier woman. I gained a lot of weight in my previous marriage and I've always had some excuse or another why I didn't need to lose it. I've watch Kym over the last few years and I've seen the obstacles she's overcome. She has made tremendous strides in her life and I look to that for my own strength at times. Seeing her push past everything that has tried to stand in her way only encourages me to push myself harder and harder to become the woman I wa

I never knew I could miss someone so much. And it's not the big things I miss. It's the little things. Like laying in bed on Sunday morning, wrapped up in each other, listening to each other breath; sitting on the front porch, listening to birds chirp and taking in every single second; curled up on the bed watching movies together and folding laundry. Or even listening to music together, talking about the songs we like. My heart aches. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I go through the motions each day, trying to keep my mind occupied so that I don't think about it much. I try to tell myself that he's just at work and he'll be home. But when I walk in that door at the end of the day, it hits me hard...he's not coming home tonight. I don't do countdowns. It makes it even harder. It seems to drag out even longer if I try to count how many days til he comes home. And the weekends are harder because my kids are gone so I'm home alone. That is the worst.

Unforgettable moments Our first date-he stuck his head thru my car window and kissed me-that kiss changed me forever. Getting into the office in the morning to find a voicemail on my work phone from him-perfect day. Him locking the car doors just so he can come around and open my door for me-perfect gentleman. Me cooking in the kitchen and he walks up behind and puts his arms around me and whispers “forever” in my ear-breathtaking. Sitting in a parking lot during a storm, watching the lightening in the sky and listening to a romantic song-perfect moment. Having a bad day and him bringing home a card that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts-unbelievably unselfish. Sitting in a restaurant, just staring at each other and knowing each other thoughts-perfect love. This will last forever. This is the world that I live in now and I promise you, every single day, I thank God for my blessings. Especially him. These are the moments I live for and what I cherish most. I neve

It’s the stuff storybooks are made for. Romance movies, Harlequin romance novels; all that jazz. I used to read this stuff and fantasize about it. Then I got divorced and I despised that crap. I refused to watch any romance movies for months. If anything remotely sappy came on TV, I would flip the channel quickly even if it was just a commercial. And then my prince came. Everything changed after that. Do you ever take a moment to just stop and think? I mean really think? I've caught myself doing that a lot lately. I have this little card taped to the monitor on my computer. It has a picture of a kitten lying upside down and it says “God hears even the smallest voice. ‘Call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.’” Jeremiah 29:12 God had been listening to me all along but I just didn't know it. I suppose He was doing things in His time and not mine. So when I think back at all those moments of when I was praying, I think if this very second of where I

No do-overs in life. Time to release and let go of the past forever and move on with a clean slate. Free. New. Better than ever and knowing in my soul that THIS path, right here, right now, is exactly where God wants me to be. I live it; I breathe it, I HAVE FAITH in it. I have forgiven myself, God has forgiven me and I have forgiven those that have wronged me. It was hard, it was scary but I did it and I have NO REGRETS in life. None. There were things I wanted to hold onto but when I think about it now-why? Why hold onto the things that hurt us? I don’t understand why people do it and I still don’t know why I did it but I know I AM FREE. I can take this final step into my life and know, with a doubt, I’m right where God meant for me to be. HE answered my prayers, he delivered me and HE LOVES ME. I remember nights I’d cry myself to sleep or hide in a closet, wishing I could run from the world; run from life. Praying…oh how I prayed. I’ve dropped to my knees in tears crying out to

This week has been a struggle. I've sat and prayed and tried to look through the storm clouds and see the blessing in all this and believe it or not, I've managed to do so. Matt left a week ago today for Annual Training. It's almost like basic all over again for him. Three weeks in the cold, bitter weather, learning maneuvers and tactics that he'll need while he's deployed. I've done my best not to have a pity party because I miss him so much. I know it's hard for him. The first night, he was sleeping in a tent outside in 18 degree weather in North Alabama. Now those of you from the South know we are NOT used to that type of weather. So my first worry, of course, was of him staying warm. I don't always understand the ways of military thinking but who am I to question them, right? He calls me at least once a day and tells me of his days of crawling through mud and battling Mother Nature's brutal conditions. He doesn't get to shower for 2-3 days,

I wish I could say "happy" new year but I'm not sure how happy it's going to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy! Joyful! How could I not be?! I've been blessed beyond measure! I'm getting married to my soulmate next month!! I have four amazing kids in my life. What could possibly be any better?? I have a sadness lingering and it's hard to shake. Matt will be leaving in April for Iraq for a year. That's a hard, bitter pill to swallow. It's hard to imagine him not being here with me... For the most part, I'm pretty sure I can get through it. I have enough to keep me busy between work, school, sending care packages and what not. But since I've been with him, I've learned two things. Matt travels a lot with his career. It's part of being a soldier. The day he leaves is always the hardest and the nights he's not there are even harder. Going to bed alone sucks...not to get too personal; but I used to be a girl who couldn&#