If You Only Knew

I'm happy. I'm happy with my life, with most of the people who choose to be apart of it and everything else in general. But I'm not happy with me and I haven't been for quite awhile. Talking to Matt last night, I told him I just felt disgusting. While he was deployed, I lost 60 pounds. It took a lot of hard work, life changes and lots of determination. It's the most I'd ever lost at one time. Since January, I've gained almost 25 of that back and I'm disappointed in myself. Somehow I lost the motivation to keep going to get to my ultimate goal. In talking with him, I also told him that I needed to stop downing myself so much or people wouldn't want to be around me anymore. Let's face it-do you really want to hang around someone who is so negative about themselves? Not really. I know I don't. No one wants to keep hearing you say "I'm fat". Well, then I say- do something about it. I hear comments and compliments all the time.

Sitting in the parking lot of Hardee's today, I turned my radio off and just looked around. I watched the numerous cars as they passed by. I watched clouds roll in from the rain. I just stared off, thinking about this place that I call home. It has been my home for the better part of 20 years. It brings me comfort and peace. I feel safe here. Growing up as a military kid, I never knew what home was. I hold on to that sense of safety and security but not naive to the fact that we do not live in a perfect world. Violence can be seen in the news daily; so much so that I grow tired of watching. It's depressing. This morning was no different. Senseless killing of innocent people has been happening in our world for generations. Why is it only recently that more and more people take notice? Because it's hitting way too close to home and people are beginning to realize that life is precious and cannot be taken for granted. Sadly, most people figure that out when it's too late

I'm an emotional kinda gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As tough as I try to be, I have more compassion than you could possibly imagine. I guess that's one of the many reasons I've wanted to become a nurse. So here it is, not even noon and I've probably cried or teared up at least 3-4 times. Why? I was listening to my iPod on the way home from picking up my kids from camp and a song came on that immediately sent my thoughts to Matt. I thought back to the first night we met and like a cheshire cat, my whole face lit up. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst in my chest, I got the warm fuzzies and then I started to cry. Not just tear up but CRY. Yeah. I'm a cry baby. It's the feeling that moves you to the most beautiful tears. Knowing that someone loves you more than themselves. That's hard to find. He can walk in a room and my whole world will stand still. That look he gives me ...butterflies, have mercy. When he wraps his arms around me, I

Everyone has their own demons. Mine; self worth. It is an ugly demon to battle and one that has defeated me for too many years. Sometimes it is all-consuming and enough to send me into a deep, dark place. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't do enough. Those are the thoughts and feelings that haunt me daily. Yesterday, I posted a status on facebook. My one wish in this world would be to see myself through someone else's eyes; to be able to see how everyone else sees me. Just for one day. Maybe then I could change my opinion. The first half of my life consisted of feeling completely unworthy of any kind of love, caring or compassion. To feel unwanted, undesired and unneed is incredibly painful. To come to this realization is heartbreaking. Emotional pain is far worse than any kind of physical pain that can be inflicted on me. It explains a lot about certain parts of my life. It also explains the reason I married the first idiot that gave me the ti