If You Only Knew

Writer's Note : This is MY view and MY opinion. So before you go screaming that I'm judgmental and horrible, just remember that.  I write this out of concern as a mother. This is not to criticize, or judge although I know it may come across that way. Please do not be offended, as it is not my intent. Please just take the time to hear me out and maybe get the perspective on someone on the outside, looking in. I always feel guilty when Trevor and Savanna come to stay with us. I look at my own children and see all that they have, yet Trevor and Savanna do not have these same things. The biggest reason is because I have taught my children that in order to have these things; they have to work for them. They have to follow the rules and understand discipline. They are held accountable for their daily actions. They are taught to be responsible in and outside of this home. They are taught morals, integrity, value and character. These are the rules we live by day to day. Life ca

I am not a selfish person. It's just not in my nature. Even when I try to be, guilt sets in. A blessing and a curse, I suppose. To others, it is a blessing; to myself...well, you know. I think it started before I had kids. I desperately tried to please others so that they'd like me or love me. As time went on and I started my family, selflessness became a way of life. I understood that as a mother, it was no longer about me anymore. I don't set New Year's resolutions. I never have. I've always felt it was a way of setting yourself up to fail. So instead of resolution, I've set a goal. Semantics, maybe. I've actually set three goals in particular. 1. To lose 60 lbs by December. To be healthier not just for myself but for my family. 2. To finally graduate from college in December. It's been a long time coming. Last but not least... 3. To learn to love me just a lil bit more. By far, the most difficult. That would require me being just a little bit

My sister said something to me that had me sitting on the edge of my bed sobbing quietly in my room. She said, wish you could love yourself the way we all love you... ” And then I realized how damaged I really am. My first thought went to my mother…and then to my daughter. Thoughts of my mother stirred up anger and more tears. It brought up unanswered questions that I knew would continue to remain that way simply because she claims no fault. That’s fine and I’ve come to accept that. Then I thought of my beautiful daughter…she’s everything I’m not. How have I been able to teach her to love herself and know she is beautiful inside and out when I don’t feel that way about myself? That just makes me a hypocrite. So I ask myself…what does it take for me to love myself like my sister says everyone else does? I don’t know how. I was never taught how to love myself. I was never taught to be ok with me. So how does one go about doing this? Maybe someone can explain this process to me. Beca