If You Only Knew

Have you ever seen one of those mothers or wives, all put together, well behaved children and you just knew they had it all together? Shoot, I have had that compliment paid to me a time or two. I wish it were true. Honestly, I am completely falling apart on the inside. Don't get me wrong! I am happy! Life at home is fabulous! Trying to find my place...that appears to be my theme for 2014. It is not easy, let me tell you. I have applied for job after job after job. By the time I finish the application, I have changed my mind fifteen times and come up with 102 reasons why this job won't work for me. But the real truth is- I still want to be a nurse. Yesterday, I sat in church, listening to the music, looking around and observing what was going on. Everyone looked as though they had it all together. I know that each of us has our struggles but some really do have it all together. One of the members got up front during the music and called for her Prayer Warriors. I like th

I have never been a fan of group workouts. What I mean by that is, activities such as aerobics, boot camps, crossfit or even yoga. I cannot stand to be in an environment that draws attention to me. It throws my anxiety into overdrive. Here is an example of why: Over two years ago, I decided I would give Fitness Boot Camp a try. A friend told me about it and invited me to come. I had been running already and needed an extra boost to kick my weight loss into gear. I decided to try and overcome my fear and go along. So I did. Just so happened, I knew the guy who was running it, Chris. We went to college together. So I thought, "okay, I can do this". By the time I left that night, I was discouraged, disappointed and in a lot of pain. I cried the entire way home. Why? Because the ONLY person who pushed me and encouraged me was Chris. Everyone else looked at me like I was a leper. I can only imagine what they were thinking. "She's too slow." "What in the hell i

"Fat disgusting pig..." "Oh my God how did you let yourself get like that?!" "If I could just have surgery, maybe they would love me more..." "I wish I were still that skinny." Horrible, mean and hateful words, aren't they? Would you say something like that to any overweight person you came across? Do those thoughts go through your head when you see someone so obese, it just makes you sick? Would you even say that to your own child? No, you say? Then why would you say that to yourself? Because guess what? People do it every day and unfortunately, I am one of those. Not long ago, I came across an article discussing this very same thing. I would never, in a million years, on my worst day, say something like that to any individual. So then why would I say something like that about myself? Honestly, I don't have an answer. I just do. I don't like what I see in the mirror most days and for whatever reason, I lost the motivation

You don’t know the story of my parents and I am not going to tell you. It is too long and involved and there is too much I don’t remember. What I can tell you is this-it is time for me to let it all go.   It started before I left home. It started long before I became a teenager. I don’t know why or how, but it did. What I can tell you is that it left a family broken, damaged and sad. Because even though we go on with our day to day lives; life just isn’t the same. It never will be.   I knew the time would come eventually but it was easier to hold on to the anger and disappointment because I had someone to blame and it made me look like a victim. That is a bitter pill to swallow when that reality hits you. That is not what I want and it is not how I choose to live my life. I am a great mother, a great wife and an even better person and unfortunately, my parents will never know that personally. It makes me sad for them because while they are missing out, I am missing out