If You Only Knew

When hiding isn’t enough… I desperately try hiding from the world, especially when moments are too much to bare. This summer was no different. People will walk out of your life at any given moment, including your own children. Not to abandon you but to move on to the next season of their lives. I have struggled with this a lot in my life. Some leave by choice, others leaves out of necessity. Some leave out of sheer ignorance. The latter has been my case recently. My mother taught me to run. It’s how she copes with life. When shit hits the fan, run. So that is what I do. It’s not always the wise choice but it’s how I’ve learned to cope and it’s the only way I know how to protect my heart. I told a friend yesterday that I used to say “I shouldn’t expect people to treat me the same way I treat them.” That, my friends is bullshit. I should. I know who I am, I know my value, I know what I bring to the table at every moment. I am the most giving person anyone could ever ask

I have found myself at an impasse in my life. I am caught in this in-between of parenting and adulting. My kids are 20, 16, 15 (almost 16) and 11, about to be 12. One doesn’t live with us anymore and the other has a foot out the door. And with the way time is passing…it won’t be long before I have an empty nest. I never really spent much time focused on a career. The only real drive I had was nursing and that went out the window years ago. I took a safe route and stuck with what I’d been doing and what I know. Don’t get me wrong, I am good at it and I do like it but it can be mundane at times. It is nothing exciting or fantastic but I just thought I was meant for much more. Being a mom is all I’ve known my entire adult life. I have been raising babies since I was 17. I don’t know much else and what I do know is an array of useless knowledge that seems to be getting me nowhere. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. As I’ve gotten older, my circle has gott

Four years ago, Trevor and Savanna came to live with us, to start a new life. One that we’d hoped would be fruitful and blessed. Our lives changed in every aspect over that four year period. We all grew in different ways. Some for the best and some, not so much. But overall, it was for the betterment of both of them and we saw great improvements over those four years. Last year, one simple mistake changed everything. July of last year during summer football camp, Trevor got caught with a pocket knife. He didn’t think anything of it because he always carries it, just like any other young man in Alabama. He didn’t think about it being a school function and honestly, who would? He had no intentions of harming anyone at all. Mind you, Trevor had come so very far in four years. He was making straight A’s, taking Honors classes, playing football and well on his way to making huge changes for his future. We could not have been more proud. The Autauga County School Board decided they need

My life really only started when I turned 30. Sure, that sounds crazy. But there is a significant difference in “life” and actual living. It is having the courage to walk away from something so painful and so toxic. It is having faith that no matter what foot you step out on, God is going to be in step with you. It is taking that first deep breath, exhaling all the negative and nastiness in your life and going forward, reassuring yourself you will never have to look back. And I didn’t. I have this tattoo on my shoulder. I put it there so I’d see it all the time. It’s a constant reminder to me. It says “courage is fear that has said it’s prayers”. I don’t remember how I came across it but it was not long after my brain surgery. That one quote means everything to me. The course of events that has taken place in my life over the last seven years has been nothing short of a miracle. February 17th is an important day to me and one I will remember like my birthday or my anniversar