If You Only Knew

I feel everything tenfold. I was built that way and most times, I simply cannot control it. I've tried for many years. When I love, I love hard and passionately. I give all of me. When I’m angry, the whole world knows. And when I’m sad, I cry a river until I’m dry. The last two months have brought out an overwhelming amount of emotions; some I cannot even describe. I've doubted myself, I've hated myself but rarely any of it has been joy. My only peace in this chaos has been my husband and my kids. How can someone be so incredibly happy yet so miserable at the same time? I felt like I was torturing myself. I made the decision to have a family first and then a career. There is no book giving us directions in life. So I finally came to the realization that it was ok to take this course in my journey. It struck me as odd when I saw so many of my friends having babies for the first time, while I was 15 years into raising two children. Yet, they had already established their

Not by a long shot. I didn't start college two years ago to give up and just quit. So nursing just wasn't for me. I thought I was always meant to help people and this was the way to go. Maybe not. But I've learned their are other ways to use the gifts I've been blessed with. So I'll continue on the original path I sought, which was psychology. I'm smart. Just not nursing smart. And that's ok I suppose. It still stings. I failed. I don't do that often and I guess it's just a huge blow to my ego. I've spent more time worrying about others think of me and that is probably what hurts the most. "She failed?!" Yeah, I did. Let me see you do this shit. Any one of my fellow nursing students will tell you-it ain't easy! It only gets harder! Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm really not stupid and that it's ok. I don't know. I feel like a failure and I don't want to feel that way. I'm eight cl