If You Only Knew

I was standing in the shower and through the frosted glass I saw his image in the bedroom. I smiled and sighed happily. It's been a week since he's returned home from Iraq. It's been an incredible journey for me, to say the least. I learned a lot about myself. I discovered how much strength I had in me. People have told me numerous times that "I'm a strong woman" but I just believed I knew how to survive in bad situations. Knowing survival and having strength and courage are very different in my opinion. I've always done what was necessary to get by in life. This was extremely different circumstances. For all intents and purposes, my husband went off to war. I stayed behind to take care of our family and our home. And myself. I don't know if this deployment changed who I am but I know it changed my perception of myself. I worked very hard at that. I worked hard on me, physically and emotionally. I expected to have to readjust to him being home. In mos...

This is how I spent my morning. He woke me at 5:30 this morning and I spent the next few hours in bed video chatting. Sometimes he'd look at me funny and ask me what I was doing and I'd say, "just laying here, looking at your face and listening to your voice..." and then he'd just smile and say "I love you". I miss my best friend. As I was listening to him talk, the slow realization started to sink in and my heart began to drop. He was there. And I am here. This sucks. I laid there for about 10 minutes, mesmerized by his tone and this feeling just began to overwhelm me. I didn't cry or get upset. Almost six months he's been gone and for whatever reason, it just now hit me. It became very real. He was "supposed" to be home in two weeks for his R&R. He asked me not to tell anyone and I didn't. He wanted it to be a surprise. We got word a week ago that it was bumped. So now we just sit patiently and wait for the opportunity to aris...

I chose to go through this deployment. I knew about it before I'd met Matt. I chose to love him completely and unconditionally, knowing that he'd have to leave me and our family behind. I try daily to stay positive but some days, it's a real struggle. One thing I do know is that this deployment has only made us stronger in many ways. We've always had great communication and it's gotten even better. We take absolutely nothing for granted. Every single second I get to hear his voice is priceless to me. I can't wait for my husband to come home but I will wait and be even stronger for it. I have found strength beyond what I knew existed in me. I've also found out who truly supports me through difficult times. Many people before this deployment were quick to say, "I'll be there" and later, when put to the test, came to fail. The most difficult moments for me, are ones people take for granted in their day to day lives. Cooking for him, doing his ...

This image inspired me today, in more ways than one. Look at the smile on that kid's face. Priceless. The weather matched my mood. As the day went on, my mood got worse and worse until I realized if I didn't get out of the house, I was gonna blow. So, I decided it was time to run it out. I scooped up the kids and headed to Village Green in Millbrook. The kids went off to play in the park and I started my first lap. I usually try to walk the first quarter mile to warm my legs up. I've battled with shin splits since I started in the gym five months ago. It's rather frustrating when your mind says one thing and your body screams another. Yet, I don't give up; I keep pushing and pushing because I know that I can do this. I got started running my second lap and made it about half way through when my legs started hurting. This happened on and off for the remaining mile and a half. By mile and a quarter, I'd decided I was going to quit and call it a day but s...

Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. Understatement of the year. And my biggest blessing. It's been almost five months now. Summer flew by and I'm so thankful it did. I'd never wish away my life but I'd be all too happy for the next seven months to disappear by tomorrow morning. While most days are better, I did worry for awhile. My bad days were beginning to outweigh the good. I was very excited when school started, then marching band started and now I'm constantly busy and on the go. It truly is a blessing. It's also been six months since I married my best friend. It seems like yesterday we were just in Vegas saying I do. It made my heart a lil sad when I realized we've spent more time apart as husband and wife, than we have together. I keep telling myself it's only temporary and that he'll be home soon but some times it's just not enough. Night time is still hardest. I've found that I wait until I'm absolutely ...

It's been three months since he left and not a single second goes by that I don't think about him. It's not getting easier but just tolerable. We spent four glorious days together and I cherished every single moment he was in my site. Then he left again and he took my heart with him; he left his behind. I miss him so much. Some days, it's all I can do just to get outta bed. Then some days I can't get out of bed fast enough because he's not in it with me. I keep a pile of clothes in the bed just so something is there...so it's not empty. I hate it. I miss going to sleep in his arms every night. I miss waking up to his beautiful face. I miss every thing about him... My kids are my saving grace. If it weren't for them, I know that I wouldn't be able to get through this. My son is just amazing. He just knows the right moments. I'm so very grateful for the wonderful relationship we have. He heard me in my room crying the other day and ran in there and...

There has never been a worse feeling than waking up at 2am, only to roll over and your husband isn't there. This isn't the first time it's happened but for some reason, last night was different. Normally, it's waking up in the morning after having a dream and then seeing his spot empty. Last night was different because it was almost shocking. It was as if this last month had just been a dream and he was home all along. Sadly, it's reality. I knew when I met Matt that he was going to be deployed. Actually, I knew before I met Matt. One of his co-workers was dating a friend of mine. So when things started to get serious between us, I already knew what I was getting into. Or so I thought anyway. I've grown up in the military all of my life. Both of my parents were retired Air Force, my brother served in the Navy and many of my grandparents, unc les and so forth had served as well. Even my ex-husband served in the Army. And knowing everything that I know about the m...

I met Kym a few years ago through a writing group I had joined. She had just moved here from Texas. The first time we met, we had lunch at Burger King. Later, we were reintroduced through a job I had taken with the Montgomery Advertiser. Since then, we've become pretty close. Whether she knows it or not, Kym is a huge inspiration and role model. She has become one of my closest friends and also my biggest encourager; next to my husband, of course. Her strength and encouragement has made me strive to be a better, healthier woman. I gained a lot of weight in my previous marriage and I've always had some excuse or another why I didn't need to lose it. I've watch Kym over the last few years and I've seen the obstacles she's overcome. She has made tremendous strides in her life and I look to that for my own strength at times. Seeing her push past everything that has tried to stand in her way only encourages me to push myself harder and harder to become the woman I wa...

I never knew I could miss someone so much. And it's not the big things I miss. It's the little things. Like laying in bed on Sunday morning, wrapped up in each other, listening to each other breath; sitting on the front porch, listening to birds chirp and taking in every single second; curled up on the bed watching movies together and folding laundry. Or even listening to music together, talking about the songs we like. My heart aches. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I go through the motions each day, trying to keep my mind occupied so that I don't think about it much. I try to tell myself that he's just at work and he'll be home. But when I walk in that door at the end of the day, it hits me hard...he's not coming home tonight. I don't do countdowns. It makes it even harder. It seems to drag out even longer if I try to count how many days til he comes home. And the weekends are harder because my kids are gone so I'm home alone. That is the worst. ...

Unforgettable moments Our first date-he stuck his head thru my car window and kissed me-that kiss changed me forever. Getting into the office in the morning to find a voicemail on my work phone from him-perfect day. Him locking the car doors just so he can come around and open my door for me-perfect gentleman. Me cooking in the kitchen and he walks up behind and puts his arms around me and whispers “forever” in my ear-breathtaking. Sitting in a parking lot during a storm, watching the lightening in the sky and listening to a romantic song-perfect moment. Having a bad day and him bringing home a card that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts-unbelievably unselfish. Sitting in a restaurant, just staring at each other and knowing each other thoughts-perfect love. This will last forever. This is the world that I live in now and I promise you, every single day, I thank God for my blessings. Especially him. These are the moments I live for and what I cherish most. I neve...

It’s the stuff storybooks are made for. Romance movies, Harlequin romance novels; all that jazz. I used to read this stuff and fantasize about it. Then I got divorced and I despised that crap. I refused to watch any romance movies for months. If anything remotely sappy came on TV, I would flip the channel quickly even if it was just a commercial. And then my prince came. Everything changed after that. Do you ever take a moment to just stop and think? I mean really think? I've caught myself doing that a lot lately. I have this little card taped to the monitor on my computer. It has a picture of a kitten lying upside down and it says “God hears even the smallest voice. ‘Call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.’” Jeremiah 29:12 God had been listening to me all along but I just didn't know it. I suppose He was doing things in His time and not mine. So when I think back at all those moments of when I was praying, I think if this very second of where I ...

My first blog when I started this was about "finding me". Matt asked me yesterday if I'd found "me" yet and it made me think... In January, I got divorced and almost a year later, I still believe it's the best decision I've made. And the smartest. While I've still had some struggles with it in between, I have no regrets. A month later, that perfect man walked into my life. Perfect. Every single thing about him is perfect, all the way down to his snores at night. He makes me feel invincible. I could conquer the world with him by my side. Some times, its a bit overwhelming. I've never experienced these emotions before. I feel like my heart will explode in my chest. I could cry rivers of joy. But then I sit still, staring out at the stars off my front porch and this blanket of peace covers me completely. Nothing like it in this world. I've spent 31 years living in fear over one thing or another. Today, I'm proud to say, I no longer live that...

I'm still on cloud 23 (that's about 14 up from 9 in case you didn't know)...I had a fantastic weekend. The boys (my man and his brothers) decided they wanted to live on the wild side for the weekend. They turned it into a bike ride/camp weekend. They went camping at Blakely State Park in Spanish Fort, AL. Here is a lil history if you've never heard of it. -Largest National Historic Register Site east of the Mississippi River - encompassing 3800 acres nestled beside the Tensaw River. -Last major battle of the Civil War fought here at Fort Blakeley (5 1/2 miles of unspoiled breastworks where 26,000 soldiers met) -The South's most beautiful Ghost Town - 1814 City of Blakeley You can get more info by clinking the link above. The boys had a fantastic time. So while they were playing Ghost Hunters, my bestie (who I shall call Wi...

Look closely. What do you see? That smile reads pure joy. Love. Loyalty. Passion. How can you not see anything but happiness here? But it goes deeper than that. What you don’t see is what I see when I look in his eyes. More love than any one heart can possibly hold. His tenderness, his compassion, his overwhelming sense of protection, his joy, his encouragement and most of all…his undying faithfulness. This enormous, overwhelming feeling totally engulfs me as I type this and I can’t even think of a word to describe it. Love. But yet, it still doesn’t feel like the right word. Like, this word is too small to describe the feeling. It far exceeds any emotion I’ve ever experienced. Remember that feeling you got when you gave birth to your first child? This comes pretty damn close to it.

Some days it's just not enough to say I love you. I love my friends and family. I try hard to be good to those I love and cherish because its what God asks me to do. I've always tried my best to be a good friend but some days, I think I suck at it. Some days it's hard. It takes alot out of me to be there for someone else when I'm struggling just as much as they are but most days, no one ever knows it. They don't know what it does to me, knowing my 13 year marriage failed. They don't know what it's like raising two kids alone, especially when one is a teenager. They don't know what it's like to struggle to raise a family on a single income, not knowing where the next meal might come from. No one knows the inner turmoil I battle on a daily basis and that the only one I have to turn to...is myself. And God. I smile on the inside but there are days I wanna cry for hours but I can't. I like being the one people depend on, but who do I have to depend o...