If You Only Knew

It is that time of year. Yep, everyone makes promises they have no intentions of keeping with the coming year. Sure, we all have good intentions. But like everything else, we take life for granted and along the way we forget what we'd promised to do four months ago. Some people might see them through, but most do not. I feel that making resolutions just sets you up for failure. 2013 has been incredibly amazing. I thought my life changed four years ago. Holy moly. This year tops it all. New job, college graduate, adding two more kiddos to our crew for good...life just keeps getting better and better. To round out our year, my fantastic husband has discovered something new in his life and I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. (more on that later) If I could change one thing about 2013 and even about myself-control. Yes, we all know about the control freak I am. But surprisingly, I have discovered one thing I have absolutely no control over-how much I allow people to continuou

About half way through my first marriage, I began to realize I had no support system in my life. I became very independent except for the little fact that I believed I could not financially survive on my own. It took a few more years to realize I just didn't give a shit anymore and I needed a way out. I took a huge leap of faith and almost 5 years later, this is where I landed. Right smack dab in the middle of happiness. Amazing. In that time period, I lived out of necessity because it was my only option. I felt very alone and at that point, I had made up in my mind that I didn't "need" anyone anymore. This is how it was supposed to be. I didn't want to need anyone because people let you down daily. I was sick of being hurt all the time and not being able to depend on those I needed most. I stopped talking to people because they used my words and feelings against me. It was me against the world and even up until recently, I still felt that way. It hurts too much

My parents have been on my mind a lot. It happens often during the holidays. Thanksgiving is my dad's favorite holiday. This was his chance to shine in the kitchen! He would spend hours smoking the perfect turkey and making everything from scratch. There is no one is the tri-county area that could make a turkey like my dad! As I got older, the tradition was that I'd bring my dad a homemade cherry cheesecake. It was one of his favorites. I miss that more than anything. Family. That is what is most important to me during the holidays. I was visiting with a friend this weekend and she was telling me about their tradition for Thanksgiving. She's from the Red Bay area; that is where she grew up and went to high school. She told me Thanksgiving was like a family reunion. They even sent out invitations. They had a huge gathering of brothers, sisters, cousins, you name it. This is the time they would spend laughing, sharing and reconnecting. Holidays have a way of bringing us clo

This has been one very emotional week. It is not even hormonal either! It is a lot of gratitude and reality bum rushing me all at once. First let me say, I have an amazing family. Despite the absence of my parents, my uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins have been overwhelmingly supportive and loving. They all live quite a distance from me yet they still manage to keep up with my life and show their support and give encouragement to keep me motivated. Uncle Brian, Aunt Chrissy, Uncle David and Emily-thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and for believing in me. My friends-I cannot say enough about them. They push and push, keeping me on course with my goals and dreams. Bailey, Christina, Holly, Stephanie-these four in particular popped into my head. We all have something in common in some way, shape or form that gives us a bond. We have all been through similar situations at some point in our lives. It is those moments when you think there is no one else in this

I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I get that and I am okay with that. I don't have a lot of friends. I've learned over the years it is about quality and not quantity. I have found lately that I don't have the best quality of friends either. Maybe my standards are too high. Or maybe they aren't high enough. It is easy to pretend like you don't care. I do it all the time but inside I am screaming like a mad woman about a million different things. I also realize I've become very bitter. My past still lingers and it terrorizes me something fierce. 99% of you have no idea what my "past" is and if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me. Doesn't matter. It still happened and I know it has changed who I am. I don't hold grudges but I have a hard time letting go when I need to. I'm not a shrink so I don't know why. I am going through an abnormal amount of stress in my life right now. I work full time, I've been in co

I love this time of year! Something about the autumn season stirs up nostalgia. I think of it as a romantic season. A lot of cuddles in the cool weather, football games, hot cocoa and family. Yes, family. Holidays bring together family and I love that most. This year is extra special for us. We have our entire crew together under one roof. You just can't imagine how happy that makes me. They have adjusted incredibly well. I will admit I had some doubts and concerns. All of that went away quickly when the judge agreed this is where they should be. School has started and already their grades have improved tremendously. You can definitely see a difference in their moods and attitudes. They are genuinely happy. They seem to be falling into their niche and have found their places in our home. While I know this isn't over yet, I truly believe this is just the way things are supposed to be. I'm really excited about the holidays this year! We've never had Trevor and Savan

Last night, I got robbed. You have played out different scenarios in your head, thinking you would know exactly what you would do in that situation only to find out-it doesn't quite work that way. It happened so fast, I didn't have time to react. And the thing is, I really wasn't scared. Shocked, yes. Pissed off, absolutely. I don't care how big and badass you think you are - unless you are trained for this type of situation, nines times out of ten, you will nut-up like a virgin seeing a naked woman for the first time. I did and there isn't much I am afraid of. No matter what scenario you choose, 99 out of 100 of those, I would have ended up dead, in a hospital or in jail. This one time, I walked away with a very bruised ego and a lot of heartache. My intentions were good but my head was in a completely different place. Where did I go wrong? Let me tell you... 1. I'm a female. 2. It was night time. (dumbass) 3. I was on a bad side of town. (it didn'

I'm not courageous and I'm not strong. I'll be the first to admit that.   I spent a large part of my life living in fear. I vowed that if I got out of my past, I'd never spend my life living in fear again. It took so much away from me.   In the last three weeks, I've felt more fear than I have in my entire life. I feel as though I am fighting for my own kids' lives. For all intents and purposes, I am. I love these kids as though they are  my own and I'd give up everything for them. Including my sanity.   I remember what it was like having no one to stand up for me. I didn't have a voice and what little one I had, I was too scared to use. No one asked me what I wanted. Never. No one cared, except for my grandmother and all things considered she was doing the best she could when I was with her. I want to give these kids the voice I never had. I want them to be able to speak up for what they want, to understand what life they should be allowed

You can't imagine the overwhelming amount of emotions that have surfaced over the last two months. I've felt things I cannot even describe. But above all-Love. This overbearing, protective, fight-for-what-is-yours kinda love. No, they aren't "mine" biologically. But in every other sense of the word, they are mine . I'll be honest; I had a lot of doubts about this whole custody thing. At first I just didn't think it was a good idea. For my own selfish reasons, I knew it would turn my life upside down. Some times change is difficult for me. Knowing that these two babies were coming from a different world of parenting was, by far the most difficult challenge. They only knew one way of life. Getting them accustom to a new lifestyle was huge, even for me. But if you've ever been in the same room with these kids for more than five minutes...How could you not fight for them?! How could you not want to give them everything life has to offer? Because they des

It has been a few months since I've taken the time to sit down and write. On my way home from work today, I had lots going through my head so I decided now was a good time to get it all out. So here goes... Overwhelmed would be a good place to start. Damn near suffocating is probably better. Three months ago, I started a new job. I absolutely love what I do and as each day passes, I'm learning more and more. I can see myself making this a life long career and it's satisfying. I hope to work my way up the food chain. Not long after I started working, Matt and I made a huge decision. It is one we have struggled with for quite some time but after many prayers and a lot of talking, we decided it was time to fight for custody of his kids. I won't go into details but we could definitely use some good vibes, good thoughts, and a whole lotta prayers. For now, the kiddos are with us with hopes that it will become permanent. December 16...a day that just can't come soon

I have this unfortunate flaw of being used like a yo-yo. Whether it is family or friend, it a pattern I desperately want to end. I am not a bad friend. At least I do not think so anyway. But I get into this cycle of only being needed or wanted at the convenience of others and I am getting tired of it. I don't know how to end this cycle and this is my dilemma. I am not a mean person by nature. I never have been. Bitterness over the years has changed that some. I am far more outspoken than I used to be when I was younger. A little less naive, a little wiser but I still have a good heart. I am not one to turn my back on others, most of the time. I do have a breaking point but it seems to take awhile to get me there. I learned that after a very long, bad marriage. I don't turn my back on others because I know what it feels like. It hurts a lot. So I feel I should not do this to others. Yet at the same time, I'm not anyone's doormat. It just does not work like that. My

Friends. I don't have many. I know a lot of people but they aren't all my friends. Those would be called acquaintances. Just in case we needed some clarification on that subject. I've never had many friends growing up and even now. I am what you'd call a loner, I suppose. I have a difficult time trusting people and even more difficult time socializing. It is just not my thing. I prefer small, intimate scenes and get togethers. I guess that's one reason I've never been big into bars and dives. I like loud music in my car or when I'm at home cleaning house, not when I'm enjoying a drink and the room is full smoke and we can't hear ourselves think much less talk. Nope, I'm a homebody. I'd rather travel and visit nice places. Anyway, back to friends. For me, if I call you my friend, it is a pretty big deal. Yes, I'm 33 years old and this is how I feel. It is not childish, it is important. Relationships (friendships) help you grow as a p

These words rank right up there with "I love you" and "I do". Those are some powerful words in my book. Especially when they come from my husband. As you can see, I'm recovering quite well. Other than feeling like I got socked in the jaw, I'm peachy. Snacking on crazy bread my awesome hubby got me and camped out on the couch watching reruns of "The Mentalist", life is sweet. I'm not a bible thumper. I'm not gonna force religion on anyone. It  is just not my thing. When I met Matt, he was a self proclaimed atheist. Over the years, I've seen that change in him. We talk more about our beliefs, our spirituality, what we believe the afterlife holds for us. We've been to a Buddhist temple together and realized that our mind frame and beliefs fell in line with what Buddhists believe. We don't worship any one particular God but we both agree there is A God. We believe it isn't necessary to go to church to pray. I can pray whenev

Matt and I believe we knew each other in our past lives. No, it is not crazy. We also believe we will be together again in our future lives, whatever they may be. Why? We are pretty close. Close as in, we finish each others thoughts or sentences, we constantly say what the other is thinking or feeling. He thinks it and then I turn around and actually say it. We have so much in common. We like the same music, we like the same foods...you get what I'm saying. We are as close as two people can be without being related. Believe it or not, we've joked about that too. Huth (my mother's maiden name) and Hust...NO, we are not related. But it does seem pretty damn close. So I preface with that to go into my thoughts from earlier. I was on my way home from Publix, thinking about the kids and I think to myself, "In my next life, I wonder if I could do things right...maybe different. Having a good relationship and career first and then maybe kids." But who is to say what

I'm sure you get tired of hearing me brag about my kids. So what. I don't care. :) My kids are awesome and as a mom, I have the right to do so. So here goes one more time! (But not the last time!) It is that time of year to pick schedules for the next school year. Yeah, I know, right?! Where has this year gone?? In the fall, I'll have a 7th grader and 11th grader. Just thinking about that makes me tear up. Someone slam on the brakes and rewind a few years, please! This is going way too fast for me. We are talking about college and moving and life decisions. It's pretty intense but as a mom, it makes me pretty proud too. Nate is ever more determined he's going to head off to California. I have some problems with that. While I'll never discourage my kids' dreams, I just don't think he's ready for that. Only time will tell but I'm trying my best to get him to stay a little closer to home, if only for a short while. Get a taste of the real world

It is true when people say "be careful what you ask for".  I asked for my life to get back to "normal" after the holidays and that's exactly what I got. Crazy, busy, normal. It's not been bad but I definitely enjoy those days when I have nothing going on. It gives me a chance, like today, to take everything in. These last three months have flown by. Far too fast for my liking. Last semester's nightmare is a distant memory and I see a very bright future on the horizon. So let me recap: After some back and forth with my inner self, I decided to go the accounting route in school. I did this working for the State for five years and even though I'm not a huge fan of math, I realized I'm pretty damn good at it. I can play with numbers and work them to my advantage. And let's face it, you cannot argue with numbers. They are solid facts. 2+2=4 no matter how many ways you write it. I like that. It's a far cry from nursing school where yo

It makes me very sad when I realize that people I ’ ve known for years really have no idea WHO I am. It changes their view of me. So then I can ’ t help think-why? After all the time you ’ ve been a part of my life, how do you NOT know? Ignorance? Rose colored glasses maybe? Or just too wrapped up in your own world? So here is the skinny about me. I am VERY outspoken. I was not when I was a child and I believe that is why I am now. Believe it or not, I used to be extremely shy. I was also too scared to speak. I have a very crude sense of humor. Sometimes, I have a perverted mind. Okay, most times. Don ’ t judge me. There are times I just don ’ t care about your problems. I have my own. I don ’ t always want to be your shoulder to cry on. I keep a lot of my emotions bottled up inside. I prefer it that way. I have a mean streak at times. These are the ugly parts of me. Most people won ’ t admit they probably feel the same way too. I can ’ t be a freakin ’ ray of

Writer's Note : This is MY view and MY opinion. So before you go screaming that I'm judgmental and horrible, just remember that.  I write this out of concern as a mother. This is not to criticize, or judge although I know it may come across that way. Please do not be offended, as it is not my intent. Please just take the time to hear me out and maybe get the perspective on someone on the outside, looking in. I always feel guilty when Trevor and Savanna come to stay with us. I look at my own children and see all that they have, yet Trevor and Savanna do not have these same things. The biggest reason is because I have taught my children that in order to have these things; they have to work for them. They have to follow the rules and understand discipline. They are held accountable for their daily actions. They are taught to be responsible in and outside of this home. They are taught morals, integrity, value and character. These are the rules we live by day to day. Life ca

I am not a selfish person. It's just not in my nature. Even when I try to be, guilt sets in. A blessing and a curse, I suppose. To others, it is a blessing; to myself...well, you know. I think it started before I had kids. I desperately tried to please others so that they'd like me or love me. As time went on and I started my family, selflessness became a way of life. I understood that as a mother, it was no longer about me anymore. I don't set New Year's resolutions. I never have. I've always felt it was a way of setting yourself up to fail. So instead of resolution, I've set a goal. Semantics, maybe. I've actually set three goals in particular. 1. To lose 60 lbs by December. To be healthier not just for myself but for my family. 2. To finally graduate from college in December. It's been a long time coming. Last but not least... 3. To learn to love me just a lil bit more. By far, the most difficult. That would require me being just a little bit

My sister said something to me that had me sitting on the edge of my bed sobbing quietly in my room. She said, wish you could love yourself the way we all love you... ” And then I realized how damaged I really am. My first thought went to my mother…and then to my daughter. Thoughts of my mother stirred up anger and more tears. It brought up unanswered questions that I knew would continue to remain that way simply because she claims no fault. That’s fine and I’ve come to accept that. Then I thought of my beautiful daughter…she’s everything I’m not. How have I been able to teach her to love herself and know she is beautiful inside and out when I don’t feel that way about myself? That just makes me a hypocrite. So I ask myself…what does it take for me to love myself like my sister says everyone else does? I don’t know how. I was never taught how to love myself. I was never taught to be ok with me. So how does one go about doing this? Maybe someone can explain this process to me. Beca