Skip to main content

million dollar question

By

My sister said something to me that had me sitting on the edge of my bed sobbing quietly in my room. She said, wish you could love yourself the way we all love you...” And then I realized how damaged I really am.

My first thought went to my mother…and then to my daughter. Thoughts of my mother stirred up anger and more tears. It brought up unanswered questions that I knew would continue to remain that way simply because she claims no fault. That’s fine and I’ve come to accept that. Then I thought of my beautiful daughter…she’s everything I’m not. How have I been able to teach her to love herself and know she is beautiful inside and out when I don’t feel that way about myself? That just makes me a hypocrite.

So I ask myself…what does it take for me to love myself like my sister says everyone else does? I don’t know how. I was never taught how to love myself. I was never taught to be ok with me. So how does one go about doing this? Maybe someone can explain this process to me. Because at 33 years of age, I have no idea what it feels like.


I’ve heard that old cliché that you can never love someone until you love yourself. That is absolutely not true. I love most everyone in my life far more than I have ever loved myself. It’s easier to love others. It takes the focus off me. I’m happy when they are happy. It is my life’s mission to make my children and my husband happy even when some days, I feel as though I’m dying inside.

Failing nursing school pushed me back into a horrible depression. Self doubt haunts me daily. I've accepted it as much as I can and have continued onto the next chapter in my life, hoping and praying everyday that I've made the right decision. I guess only time will tell.

So here is the ultimate million dollar question- How does one learn to love themselves? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

changes are coming

By
Four years ago, Trevor and Savanna came to live with us, to start a new life. One that we’d hoped would be fruitful and blessed. Our lives changed in every aspect over that four year period. We all grew in different ways. Some for the best and some, not so much. But overall, it was for the betterment of both of them and we saw great improvements over those four years. Last year, one simple mistake changed everything. July of last year during summer football camp, Trevor got caught with a pocket knife. He didn’t think anything of it because he always carries it, just like any other young man in Alabama. He didn’t think about it being a school function and honestly, who would? He had no intentions of harming anyone at all. Mind you, Trevor had come so very far in four years. He was making straight A’s, taking Honors classes, playing football and well on his way to making huge changes for his future. We could not have been more proud. The Autauga County School Board decided they need
Post a Comment
Read more

life will go on...eventually

By
     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be learning for th
Post a Comment
Read more

tears

By
I'm an emotional kinda gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As tough as I try to be, I have more compassion than you could possibly imagine. I guess that's one of the many reasons I've wanted to become a nurse. So here it is, not even noon and I've probably cried or teared up at least 3-4 times. Why? I was listening to my iPod on the way home from picking up my kids from camp and a song came on that immediately sent my thoughts to Matt. I thought back to the first night we met and like a cheshire cat, my whole face lit up. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst in my chest, I got the warm fuzzies and then I started to cry. Not just tear up but CRY. Yeah. I'm a cry baby. It's the feeling that moves you to the most beautiful tears. Knowing that someone loves you more than themselves. That's hard to find. He can walk in a room and my whole world will stand still. That look he gives me ...butterflies, have mercy. When he wraps his arms around me, I
Post a Comment
Read more