surrender

I spent a better part of my life worrying over events of the past that I had absolutely no control over. Because that's who I was. Or at least that's who I defined myself as. A control freak.

At age 32, it took that span of my life to realize I cannot control what other people do. Or how they react to situations. Or how they treat you as a person. I once saw a quote that stated, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours". It clicked with me.

Revelations come to me at the most unusual times. Yesterday was one of those times. I was driving home from school and all of a sudden, the thought of my mother popped in my head. For so long, I was jealous of other women and girls who had such wonderful mother/daughter relationships. I wanted that so badly for myself but was never able to get there. And as I struggled to get through this week, I couldn't help be think "anyone else's mom would be comforting and supportive." I haven't heard from mine in over two weeks. Out of no where, I get this text from a friend that simply said "I hope you have a good day", and I just lost it. Driving down the road, I'm crying my eyes out. Right in front of me, I have numerous friends who would give me the moon if they could and instead I'm focused on one single individual.

WTH Shannon?!

Light bulb! I took for granted what had been there all along. These last two weeks, God has shown me countless people who love me, cherish me and WANT to be apart of my life. Why should I be worried about one? Why? Because I had an expectation. Because I'm a different mother than she is. I'm a different person. I cannot control what she does or does not do in my life. Quite frankly, I'm tired of wasting my time crying, worrying and stressing over it. I couldn't see beyond my nose. How incredibly selfish of me. Instead of focusing on the ones who matter, I was sulking over the one who simply didn't care.

Some may think this is cruel but you'd have to understand the full story of my relationship with my mother. Or lack there of. It really doesn't matter. It is what it is and it's never going to change. The sooner I accept that, the better off I will be. I always had hope that things would change. I guess I wanted what everyone else had. And I do. I have the love and support of some amazing people in my life and that's really all I need.

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference." Amen.