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his blessing; my curse

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It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion…you know its coming and you know that unless you are Superman, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. That’s how I felt yesterday when the ex shared the news of his upcoming nuptials as well as the new addition to his family.

First, let me say that what he does with his life is not my concern and I could care less. Congrats. But when it comes to my children…that’s entirely different. Nate’s reaction didn't surprise me. It usually doesn't  He’s so laid back and at times, care free. He was just indifferent. McKenzie …she hasn't spoken to or seen him for a better part of a month or so. Some issues happened and she just decided she’d had enough. Or at least that’s what I could gather. So when he shared his news with her all that changed. I’m not gonna deny it, I will pretty upset. Mainly because I saw a flash forward of how badly this would all turn out. A new baby? Yeah…we all know how that’s gonna go. Of course, Mom will be there picking up the pieces as usual.

He can’t afford to take care of the two kids he has now, much less another family. Why is that my business you ask? Here’s why: He does not pay child support. What little bit he does pay-$40 a month, if even that, doesn't do much but put a tank of gas in my car. OK-I’m grateful. That’s $40 more than what I had. My husband is busting his ass to support a family of six on one income, while he faithfully pays his child support to his ex-wife. It is not easy by any means. We've managed to make it work and nothing gets turned off or paid late but it’s still a struggle. He’s works too damn hard for us not to be able to enjoy any of it. That’s what is frustrating the most. We have nothing put away in savings because it always seems to be needed at the most inopportune moments. It’s just a bit irritating and I imagine that $40 will eventually stop when he has to buy diapers.

Having a baby…while ideally it is not a good idea for Matt & I, for a number of reasons, it would have been wonderful to have been able to share that with him. We’d make a beautiful baby! I cannot have any more children due to medical reasons and that’s heartbreaking. It has been for quite some time. I had a serious case of baby fever about a year ago. So much that it hurt, emotionally and physically. Tons of my friends were having babies left and right and my heart just ached. Honestly, I don’t want any more now that mine are pretty independent which gives us a good bit of free time. I come and go as I please, not having to worry about a babysitter or anything like that. It’s enjoyable. It’s the concept of “you want what you can’t have”. It’s very true in this situation. Matt’s ex had a baby a year ago…and now my ex is about to have one. It doesn't seem fair that women who want to have children can’t and those that don’t need to have children do. But at the same time, I think “in 18 years, my kids will most likely be married and having a family of their own all the while these two will still be raising babies”. So I make my peace with it and move on.

Watching my daughter in the middle of this train wreck…that’s going to be a mess I wish I could avoid. I know her. She’s my child. I see how this will all turn out. It won’t be good for her. Our children do not realize what we endure to protect them. In my mind, I know that she won’t heed my warnings. Most kids don’t. They have to learn for themselves, even though we do all we can to protect them ahead of time. We tell them, “don’t touch the stove, it’s going to burn you”, yet they have to reach out just enough to see if it’s true. So mommy makes the pain go away and if they are smart, they won’t touch it again because they know. Or you can be like me-try to see the good in everyone, hope and pray that you are wrong about them, only to get burned again and again and again… It seems I’ve passed this trait onto my daughter who loves and hurts just as much as her mother. It’s a blessing and a curse. In my case, I just see it as a curse. It doesn't seem to have done me much good in retrospect.


Comments

  1. Razorblade BrainDecember 10, 2012 at 7:59 PM

    I went through a lot of emotions when we found out that Hubsy's ex was having a baby. But I'm sure that she had plenty when she found out that we were having L. I don't know if she knows about Roo, I doubt she would even care at this point. But it's always hard when you see someone that was a part of your life doing things like that. I honestly would be more pissed if I found out she was going to school than having another baby. LOL But it's that whole thing of wanting what you can't have. You're right about that one. I hope M gets through this mostly unscathed. And you too.

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