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its a struggle

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Mixed emotions have been running through me for a few days now. I always have my ups and downs; some days I can handle them and some, I can't. Today is one of those days that I just can't seem to get a grip on anything.

I walked away from my divorce with the house, my freedom and my dignity. That's it. I was even willing to give up the house, and on days like today, I almost wished I had. I kept the house for my kids. If he'd asked for it, I would have given it up easily simply because I cannot afford the responsibility that comes along with it. I do my very best to keep it up but at times, it's just too much.

Pride is one of those sins that God doesn't like and I have alot of it. It's difficult for me to ask for help and I have to swallow hard when I do. Take for instance the day I walked into DHR. It took everything I had not to grab everything up and walk out, but I stayed; I went through my interview and later found out I was approved for foodstamps. Great, that will help a lot. Or so I thought. Yesterday I found out I was only approved for $68/mo. Really?! That's it? I can't even buy a weeks worth of groceries for $68! In my mind I think, "I know I should be grateful. Really, I should be, but sadly I'm not and I know that will not make God happy." It's better than nothing but its a real kick in the gut for someone who genuinely needs help and cannot get it.

I know that somehow I will get through this. I always do but I'm just tired of "getting by". I've decided that when I finish school this semester, I'm going to get a 2nd job. I don't know how but somehow I will manage. If nothing else, I need to build up some savings in case anything happens to my house. I'm seriously considering selling this house and have spoken with my ex-husband about it. The electric bill alone is enough to make anyone go broke. I'm trying to hold out until May, when I have the ability to go to levelized billing. Maybe that will help. I've cut bills already but with summer coming, there isn't much else I can cut with having children at home. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle...

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