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reality sucks

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This is how I spent my morning. He woke me at 5:30 this morning and I spent the next few hours in bed video chatting. Sometimes he'd look at me funny and ask me what I was doing and I'd say, "just laying here, looking at your face and listening to your voice..." and then he'd just smile and say "I love you". I miss my best friend.

As I was listening to him talk, the slow realization started to sink in and my heart began to drop. He was there. And I am here. This sucks. I laid there for about 10 minutes, mesmerized by his tone and this feeling just began to overwhelm me. I didn't cry or get upset. Almost six months he's been gone and for whatever reason, it just now hit me. It became very real.

He was "supposed" to be home in two weeks for his R&R. He asked me not to tell anyone and I didn't. He wanted it to be a surprise. We got word a week ago that it was bumped. So now we just sit patiently and wait for the opportunity to arise again. I don't wait patiently.

No, I'm not okay and I'm tired of pretending like I am. I am surviving and it's all I can do. I feel like the best part of me is missing and I hate it. I know the facts. I know it's his job, I know he's gotta do this, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know. He's my husband. I am NOT supposed to be okay with him being gone. I give a flip if anyone says or thinks otherwise.

I emailed a friend the other day, who is also a soldier, explaining that I was heartbroken that Matt would not be home as planned. He told me "the loved ones back at home have it very rough, perhaps more than us." I'd never heard anyone say that before but it gave me some peace. I guess it gave me some validity.

I support what Matt does. I support his career choice and I do understand why he does it. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it or take any pleasure from it. I'm proud of him and I always will be. But I guess maybe I'm just a bit selfish. And so I shall be because I can.

**Sidenote** For anyone of you who is "tired" of hearing this ...just do us both a favor and remove me from your friends list. I need encouragement, not negative people who can't be supportive. Thanks~
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