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I give you my heart

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You don’t know the story of my parents and I am not going to tell you. It is too long and involved and there is too much I don’t remember. What I can tell you is this-it is time for me to let it all go.

 

It started before I left home. It started long before I became a teenager. I don’t know why or how, but it did. What I can tell you is that it left a family broken, damaged and sad. Because even though we go on with our day to day lives; life just isn’t the same. It never will be.

 

I knew the time would come eventually but it was easier to hold on to the anger and disappointment because I had someone to blame and it made me look like a victim. That is a bitter pill to swallow when that reality hits you. That is not what I want and it is not how I choose to live my life. I am a great mother, a great wife and an even better person and unfortunately, my parents will never know that personally. It makes me sad for them because while they are missing out, I am missing out too. I cannot deny that I love my parents dearly. The hardest thing for me to do every single day is go to work, knowing that my father is directly across the street from me and I cannot see him nor speak to him. I doubt he even knows. My mom is going to miss my son’s senior year. She was an integral part in his upbringing and I know deep down she misses him. These are what we miss out on due to anger, harsh words and bitterness and there is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think about it.

 

I read this heartfelt blog today (http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/) and it tugged at my soul and the tears began to fall. When I read this all I can think about is them and then I realize that it is time to let go and hang up this heavy burden. It is time to stop being consumed with anger and hatred and resentment. It eats away at me every day. I am just as much to blame as they are but we are all adults here and it is time to accept responsibility and let go. This holds me back from being a better me and there is nothing I want more in my life than just to love me a bit more. I want to look at myself in the mirror and smile and have peace in my soul. I need that; I crave it more than anything.

 

My mom once told me she did the best she could. For a long time, I didn’t believe her. I didn’t want to. I kept comparing myself to her and I realized we are two different people. We make different choices, we have different emotions and we have different beliefs. Maybe in her eyes, she did do the best she could. Who am I to tell her she didn’t?

 

What I know is this-it is time to stop blaming. I don’t want to be angry anymore. It is in the past and nothing can be done about it. I made my choice to learn from it and now it is time to move on. Whatever happens now is in God’s hands because that is where I will leave it.

 

But if you ever read this…know that I think of you often and I love you from my soul. I could not have the life I have now if not for you. I hope one day, we can make peace for good.

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