Skip to main content

fat shannon

"Fat disgusting pig..."

"Oh my God how did you let yourself get like that?!"

"If I could just have surgery, maybe they would love me more..."

"I wish I were still that skinny."

Horrible, mean and hateful words, aren't they? Would you say something like that to any overweight person you came across? Do those thoughts go through your head when you see someone so obese, it just makes you sick? Would you even say that to your own child? No, you say?

Then why would you say that to yourself? Because guess what? People do it every day and unfortunately, I am one of those.

Not long ago, I came across an article discussing this very same thing. I would never, in a million years, on my worst day, say something like that to any individual. So then why would I say something like that about myself? Honestly, I don't have an answer. I just do. I don't like what I see in the mirror most days and for whatever reason, I lost the motivation to do something about it. So the viscous cycle continues.

My one constant thought lately is, "tomorrow, I'm going to get up and exercise, I swear" but I'm so tired that I'm lucky to get up at 5:30 on my normal schedule. By the time I get home, cook dinner, feed four kids, go over homework, get all four bathed and in bed, I am too tired to hold my head up, let alone get on an elliptical. Again, viscous cycle. See, I know if I exercise, I will get more energy. But I'm too tired to exercise, so....you see where this is going? Maybe an excuse to you, but I assure you, it is not easy. I already wake up every morning at 5:30 am to get a husband and four kids off to work and school. I'm in the shower by 6, ushering kiddos out the door, making hubby lunch, making coffee and getting myself ready before I am on the road at 7am. I figured if I got up 15 mins earlier, it would allow me SOME time to hop on the elliptical or go for an early walk but I can barely manage to roll over to hit the snooze button. I am tired all the time.

Believe it or not, we eat pretty decent during the week. No fancy diets. Meat, veggies, occasional starch but not often. We try to leave some of those out of dinner. Sweets are not allowed during the week, only on weekends. That was a recent change we made because this girl has a horrible sweet tooth and the kids began to think we got dessert every night of the week. That is not a habit I want to start.

I am taking these slow baby steps into the direction of loving me just a little bit more...but the whole self image thing is tough. For anyone who has struggled with low self esteem, then you get it. It doesn't change overnight. This part is my biggest struggle-my body image and my weight. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I guess most people take these kinds of things for granted or the thoughts never crossed their mind. It truly is a constant struggle and sometimes all-consuming. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. It is not. I would rather think of sandy beaches, beautiful sunsets and cherish memories and moments with my family. Then a commercial comes on with a skinny hot chick and here we go! "Gosh I wish I looked like her" or "I wonder if my husband would love me more if I looked like her". Yep. Spend a day in my head...it is scary in there.

So what's a girl to do? Last time I tried to lose weight, I lost it, had to starve myself and now I have just about gained it all back. I considered weight loss surgery but my insurance denied my claim three times. I haven't been fat long enough is basically what they said. Excuse me, what?! I lost weight once and they figure if I did it before, I can do it again. I've seen all the people who do Fitness Boot Camp, Crossfit and what not. They go on these fancy diets of twigs and berries and no dairy. No. I refuse. They look miserable to me. I love food, I want to enjoy what I eat and within reasonable cost.

So my only choice is this-get up a few minutes earlier in the morning and exercise or keep fighting the constant self image demons in my head. No, I'm not crazy. But I also know that this time, I am not alone in this struggle.

"I call myself Fat Shannon...so twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

courage

My life really only started when I turned 30. Sure, that sounds crazy. But there is a significant difference in “life” and actual living. It is having the courage to walk away from something so painful and so toxic. It is having faith that no matter what foot you step out on, God is going to be in step with you. It is taking that first deep breath, exhaling all the negative and nastiness in your life and going forward, reassuring yourself you will never have to look back. And I didn’t. I have this tattoo on my shoulder. I put it there so I’d see it all the time. It’s a constant reminder to me. It says “courage is fear that has said it’s prayers”. I don’t remember how I came across it but it was not long after my brain surgery. That one quote means everything to me. The course of events that has taken place in my life over the last seven years has been nothing short of a miracle. February 17th is an important day to me and one I will remember like my birthday or my anniversar...

His Legacy

In the summer of 1997, I showed up on his doorstep with a three-month-old baby on my hip. After explaining that this was his grandson, he welcomed us both into his home and our lives forever changed. From that moment, the sun rose and set on his grandson and he could do no wrong in his eyes. As my son grew, it became obvious that he felt the same. Where you saw Andrew, you saw Nathaniel. Andrew was so proud of his sweet boy. He took Nathaniel with him everywhere. To the cow fields, where they would feed the cows together; to church where he grew to love his “Preacherman”, and even on the tractor. McDonald’s was always his favorite trip; he couldn’t live without his chicken nuggets. They were two peas in a pod, as their grandma used to say. That never changed. Andrew always made me feel apart of the family, even when I felt like an outsider. One of the conditions to coming to live with him was that I went back to high school and graduated. He made sure he had a front row seat ...

not broken

"Stop fixing what isn’t broken”…that has resonated in my mind since church service yesterday. I’ve always labeled myself as broken and tattered. That’s how I feel most days. I’m not perfectly put together. I don’t try to be nor do I claim it. In all honesty, I don’t want to be. I’m just me. God made me in HIS image and from what I know, God doesn’t make mistakes. That says a lot when you put it into perspective. I didn’t start having self-esteem issues until my first true heart break. My ex was unfaithful ten months after our wedding. Ten months. Ouch. So, of course I started believing something was wrong with me. It took me 15 years to realize it was not me; it was him. In spite of all that I have been through in this journey called life, I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I have compassion, mercy and sympathy. These are the best qualities of me and no matter what anyone has ever done to me; I don’t let it make me bitter. But self-esteem issues, I just pray...