Skip to main content

that moment ...

By
That moment when you realize you've been lying to yourself and everyone else in your life. That moment is full of pain and a lot of anger.

It has been four years since I've been in nursing school. Not a day goes by that I'm not filled with more regret than you can possibly imagine. All the people and friends that I went to nursing school with? I cut them out of my life with no answers as to why. It was just too hard seeing them move on without me. It made me bitter and frustrated. I was supposed to be moving along with them. But I'm not. Because I failed and I was too ashamed to go back. That is the truth.

I fooled myself into believing I walked away because I had no other choice. Reality is- I could have gone back. I should have. But I didn't. I failed and I was too ashamed to go back and start over again. I was embarrassed. All my life, I truly believed that this was the plan God had for my life. I was going to be a nurse. So if this was God's plan, it was going to come easy to me, right? No. It doesn't work that way at all. Now, I'm left with anger and bitterness in my heart and so much shame. It just didn't work for me. Instead of taking responsibility, I blamed everyone and everything else. It was easy to make up excuses and say "oh, it just wasn't my time, I needed to go back to work," or something equally lame. But the hard truth is that I failed and I gave up.

So now four years later, I struggle daily with the lies that I keep telling myself. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life now. Not a clue. That is the worst pain. What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go? I didn't have a back up plan. That is out of the norm for me. I always have a back up plan. This time, I have nothing. I don't know where to go, what direction to look in. I just took the easy way out, with no direction in my life.

I came home today and broke down in tears to Matt. It was the first time I'd even said the words out loud to anyone, much less myself. I am a failure and I have no direction for my life. Going back to nursing school isn't even an option for me anymore. I don't even know where to begin looking for answers. What I do know is that I do not feel fulfilled when it comes to my future. I've always had a plan, I've always had control. At least I thought I did.

I am sorry to those I lied to and to those I blamed. I am sorry to those I let down-like my family. That is what hurts the most. I let my family down. I planned this fantastic future based on a dream that I could not fulfill because I was too scared to start over again. So I guess it is back to the drawing board again. I am 35 years old. What do I do now?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

changes are coming

By
Four years ago, Trevor and Savanna came to live with us, to start a new life. One that we’d hoped would be fruitful and blessed. Our lives changed in every aspect over that four year period. We all grew in different ways. Some for the best and some, not so much. But overall, it was for the betterment of both of them and we saw great improvements over those four years. Last year, one simple mistake changed everything. July of last year during summer football camp, Trevor got caught with a pocket knife. He didn’t think anything of it because he always carries it, just like any other young man in Alabama. He didn’t think about it being a school function and honestly, who would? He had no intentions of harming anyone at all. Mind you, Trevor had come so very far in four years. He was making straight A’s, taking Honors classes, playing football and well on his way to making huge changes for his future. We could not have been more proud. The Autauga County School Board decided they need
Post a Comment
Read more

life will go on...eventually

By
     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be learning for th
Post a Comment
Read more

tears

By
I'm an emotional kinda gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As tough as I try to be, I have more compassion than you could possibly imagine. I guess that's one of the many reasons I've wanted to become a nurse. So here it is, not even noon and I've probably cried or teared up at least 3-4 times. Why? I was listening to my iPod on the way home from picking up my kids from camp and a song came on that immediately sent my thoughts to Matt. I thought back to the first night we met and like a cheshire cat, my whole face lit up. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst in my chest, I got the warm fuzzies and then I started to cry. Not just tear up but CRY. Yeah. I'm a cry baby. It's the feeling that moves you to the most beautiful tears. Knowing that someone loves you more than themselves. That's hard to find. He can walk in a room and my whole world will stand still. That look he gives me ...butterflies, have mercy. When he wraps his arms around me, I
Post a Comment
Read more