Skip to main content

life will go on...eventually

By
     I genuinely believed after having this major surgery, my quality of life would greatly improve. Don’t get me wrong-the surgery did relieve me of my headaches and for that, I am truly grateful. But it seems to have brought on another set of problems that I wasn’t prepared for. It has been frustrating, discouraging and most of all, very painful. My numerous doctors seem to believe that the surgery exacerbated a problem I began having before the surgery-arthritis in my hands. Now, it’s throughout my entire body and some days, it is hard to get out of bed, much less walk. It takes more strength than I knew I had. Pain meds and arthritis meds don’t seem to help much and some days are far worse than other. But I keep going, regardless because I have to. I pray daily for healing but I find myself asking why…why after going through such a traumatic event in my life, believing I was going to move onto something better, does this have to happen now? What am I supposed to be learning for this? So I pray for guidance, understanding and hope that one day I will get some relief from this.

     Asking for help seems to be the least of my concerns anymore…I can’t even open a bottle of water without asking for help. There is no sense in being prideful there. Matt has to help me get up stairs. Just getting out of my car after a 45 minute ride takes my breath away from the pain in my knees and ankles. I cannot describe how much this upsets me…how ashamed it makes me. Yes, ashamed. I can’t do anything that requires strength without asking for help. So if that’s my lesson…so be it.

     I began to think God was being cruel…I tried to believe that for a while. Why would you get me through this surgery to take away one pain only to give me another pain far worse than anything I have ever experienced? (And I’ve given birth twice-I know pain.)  What are you supposed to be teaching me? Not to be prideful? Done. It’s okay to ask for help? Done and done. That it’s okay to be weak? Done. What else? The idea of a brain tumor never scared me for a moment. I cried once; the day I found out. I was more anxious than anything and that was to have the surgery, get on with my life and be pain free. Was that asking too much?


     I am angry. I am beyond frustrated. I’m also tired of going to doctor after doctor after doctor. I now have a specialist for everything! Heart, ENT, brain, nerves, endocrine…I wonder if I collect them all, maybe I’ll win a prize. I am tired of being in pain. I cannot move a single muscle without hurting somewhere. Even my toes hurt. But I will keep going…because I am far too stubborn to let anything defeat me. Somehow, I will find a way to enjoy life again, pain or no pain. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

changes are coming

By
Four years ago, Trevor and Savanna came to live with us, to start a new life. One that we’d hoped would be fruitful and blessed. Our lives changed in every aspect over that four year period. We all grew in different ways. Some for the best and some, not so much. But overall, it was for the betterment of both of them and we saw great improvements over those four years. Last year, one simple mistake changed everything. July of last year during summer football camp, Trevor got caught with a pocket knife. He didn’t think anything of it because he always carries it, just like any other young man in Alabama. He didn’t think about it being a school function and honestly, who would? He had no intentions of harming anyone at all. Mind you, Trevor had come so very far in four years. He was making straight A’s, taking Honors classes, playing football and well on his way to making huge changes for his future. We could not have been more proud. The Autauga County School Board decided they need
Post a Comment
Read more

tears

By
I'm an emotional kinda gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve. As tough as I try to be, I have more compassion than you could possibly imagine. I guess that's one of the many reasons I've wanted to become a nurse. So here it is, not even noon and I've probably cried or teared up at least 3-4 times. Why? I was listening to my iPod on the way home from picking up my kids from camp and a song came on that immediately sent my thoughts to Matt. I thought back to the first night we met and like a cheshire cat, my whole face lit up. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst in my chest, I got the warm fuzzies and then I started to cry. Not just tear up but CRY. Yeah. I'm a cry baby. It's the feeling that moves you to the most beautiful tears. Knowing that someone loves you more than themselves. That's hard to find. He can walk in a room and my whole world will stand still. That look he gives me ...butterflies, have mercy. When he wraps his arms around me, I
Post a Comment
Read more