life

I’ve always had the gift of gab, as my dad used to say. I could talk about anything and I could write for days on end. Once a thought popped into my head, I’d go straight to the computer and type away. In the last few months, I feel as though I have much to say, yet nothing comes out. I would get lost in thought and by the time my fingers touched the keys, I had nothing.

Positivity was my jam. It didn’t matter how bad things look on the outside, I knew deep down, everything would be okay. I had my moments but then I would talk it out, reason with God and realize that everything would be A-okay. Right now, God is the furthest thing from my mind.

2018 has not been kind. I got kicked. And then I got kicked again. And then I got kicked some more and decided that I would just stay down because the blows kept coming. At that point, I just didn’t have it in me to do anything other than stay down and sure enough, I got kicked again.

Right about now is when I would decide I have nothing else to write, so I would close the page and move on to something else. My thoughts become ridiculous and I can’t seem to figure out what comes next. Like I’m supposed to sound all smart and collected. Here is the raw truth: I have crept into the darkest recesses of my mind with no desire whatsoever to come out. I have nothing positive to say, I have nothing good to look forward to and the only reason I am still existing is because I think about McKenzie. I think about how McKenzie would react if her mother were dead. I think about how much I love her and how much it would tear her to pieces at the thought of her mother giving up on life. And so I keep pushing on, living in this empty shell and with the tiniest bit of hope I have left, beg for some kind of mercy and relief.

Here is how this started: Earlier this year, my health began to digress. My biggest problem was I was still having headaches and I was also having problems with staying awake at any given point during the day. The hardest part was driving. I couldn’t get ten minutes down the road without wanting to fall asleep. That shit is dangerous, and I knew that. In a short period of time, I ended up having another surgery and had extensive testing to determine if I suffer from narcolepsy. Within that same time span, I had to take a medical leave of absence. It just was not safe for me to be on the road and I even struggled with staying awake at work. I was literally in the doctor’s office twice a week, every week. The copays started to add up and the debt I was already in was getting worse. While I was dealing with that, I was also seeing my psychiatrist and we were working on my medications for depression and anxiety. Imagine trying to tweak my meds while I had this overwhelming shit storm brewing between trying to hold onto my job, trying to manage my finances and trying to get healthy. The cherry on this sundae was when we decided to allow Savanna to move back to Virginia with her mother. Trevor had already moved back and now we were going to lose her too. It became the perfect storm in my mind. Not to mention, I had to withdraw from school because I’d missed so many days, I was failing.

So let’s recap-in the span of about three months, I left my job, filed for bankruptcy, closed my business and lost another child all while trying to manage my declining health. If I weren’t already crazy, I would be by now. With all my might, I tried to believe something good was supposed to come from all of this and if you were to pick it apart, you probably could find something. I wasn’t in the picking apart mood. I decided I would just collapse into a black hole and stay there. I fake it when it becomes necessary but otherwise, I just exist because I have to.

If you made it this far and haven’t freaked out, keep going. Part of the reason I shut myself off from everyone is because the few people I did open up to got so scared, they didn’t know what to say to me anymore. And I understand that. Hearing that someone has contemplated taking their own life is terrifying. Yes, I have had thoughts of suicide. No, I will not act on them. Yes, I am fully aware that taking my life won’t fix my problems and it will create even more pain for the ones I love. I am completely and utterly aware. But the emotional pain that I am feeling at this very moment is what makes me want to end life. It is consuming and endless and nothing I say or do makes it go away. I read the Bible, I talk it out, I listen to music. I DO the work that it takes to pull myself out of this darkness and I still cannot see any light and it hurts. How did I get this far in life and end up where I am right now? I know that 85% of it is my own fault. I accept responsibility for the shit storm I created. My faith has failed repeatedly because I cannot wrap my mind around knowing and loving a God who would willingly allow me to suffer this much pain mentally and emotionally. I question every single belief I have ever had in my life. I pray constantly, and I hear nothing. I have cried, I have begged, I have pleaded, I have bargained. People tell me I should find peace in God but how? What does that even look like?? I am consumed with anger and hatred for myself, for allowing my life to get this bad! I don’t blame God, I blame ME! So where is my loving God who is supposed to grant me love and peace when I feel such anguish and torment within myself??

I am sure that for “normal” people, these are just obstacles that everyone goes through at some time or another. But for someone battling depression and anxiety, it is an all-consuming groundhog’s day nightmare. Did I mention that I’ve also spent the last six months looking for a job? I’ve probably applied to at least 75 jobs, if not more. I’m either over-qualified, under-qualified or asking for too much money. The only reason I re-opened my business is because it gives me something to do every day with completely losing my mind. I rarely leave the house. I left my job because at that moment, I felt it was the best option for me to get healthy and not get fired. I even asked for my old job back. They didn’t want me back so that was a kick in the gut.

You've made it to the end. I'm still kickin', some days more than others. I may not be 100% positive every day, but I do know I am loved and that is enough to get me through the day.