If You Only Knew

It is true when people say "be careful what you ask for".  I asked for my life to get back to "normal" after the holidays and that's exactly what I got. Crazy, busy, normal. It's not been bad but I definitely enjoy those days when I have nothing going on. It gives me a chance, like today, to take everything in. These last three months have flown by. Far too fast for my liking. Last semester's nightmare is a distant memory and I see a very bright future on the horizon. So let me recap: After some back and forth with my inner self, I decided to go the accounting route in school. I did this working for the State for five years and even though I'm not a huge fan of math, I realized I'm pretty damn good at it. I can play with numbers and work them to my advantage. And let's face it, you cannot argue with numbers. They are solid facts. 2+2=4 no matter how many ways you write it. I like that. It's a far cry from nursing school where yo...

It makes me very sad when I realize that people I ’ ve known for years really have no idea WHO I am. It changes their view of me. So then I can ’ t help think-why? After all the time you ’ ve been a part of my life, how do you NOT know? Ignorance? Rose colored glasses maybe? Or just too wrapped up in your own world? So here is the skinny about me. I am VERY outspoken. I was not when I was a child and I believe that is why I am now. Believe it or not, I used to be extremely shy. I was also too scared to speak. I have a very crude sense of humor. Sometimes, I have a perverted mind. Okay, most times. Don ’ t judge me. There are times I just don ’ t care about your problems. I have my own. I don ’ t always want to be your shoulder to cry on. I keep a lot of my emotions bottled up inside. I prefer it that way. I have a mean streak at times. These are the ugly parts of me. Most people won ’ t admit they probably feel the same way too. I can ’ t be a freakin ’ ray of ...

Writer's Note : This is MY view and MY opinion. So before you go screaming that I'm judgmental and horrible, just remember that.  I write this out of concern as a mother. This is not to criticize, or judge although I know it may come across that way. Please do not be offended, as it is not my intent. Please just take the time to hear me out and maybe get the perspective on someone on the outside, looking in. I always feel guilty when Trevor and Savanna come to stay with us. I look at my own children and see all that they have, yet Trevor and Savanna do not have these same things. The biggest reason is because I have taught my children that in order to have these things; they have to work for them. They have to follow the rules and understand discipline. They are held accountable for their daily actions. They are taught to be responsible in and outside of this home. They are taught morals, integrity, value and character. These are the rules we live by day to day. L...

I am not a selfish person. It's just not in my nature. Even when I try to be, guilt sets in. A blessing and a curse, I suppose. To others, it is a blessing; to myself...well, you know. I think it started before I had kids. I desperately tried to please others so that they'd like me or love me. As time went on and I started my family, selflessness became a way of life. I understood that as a mother, it was no longer about me anymore. I don't set New Year's resolutions. I never have. I've always felt it was a way of setting yourself up to fail. So instead of resolution, I've set a goal. Semantics, maybe. I've actually set three goals in particular. 1. To lose 60 lbs by December. To be healthier not just for myself but for my family. 2. To finally graduate from college in December. It's been a long time coming. Last but not least... 3. To learn to love me just a lil bit more. By far, the most difficult. That would require me being just a little bit...

My sister said something to me that had me sitting on the edge of my bed sobbing quietly in my room. She said, wish you could love yourself the way we all love you... ” And then I realized how damaged I really am. My first thought went to my mother…and then to my daughter. Thoughts of my mother stirred up anger and more tears. It brought up unanswered questions that I knew would continue to remain that way simply because she claims no fault. That’s fine and I’ve come to accept that. Then I thought of my beautiful daughter…she’s everything I’m not. How have I been able to teach her to love herself and know she is beautiful inside and out when I don’t feel that way about myself? That just makes me a hypocrite. So I ask myself…what does it take for me to love myself like my sister says everyone else does? I don’t know how. I was never taught how to love myself. I was never taught to be ok with me. So how does one go about doing this? Maybe someone can explain this process to me. Beca...

I enjoy the holidays. Not because of the gifts but because I always associate it with family time. I've spend many Christmases and Thanksgivings in Illinois with my grandparents. It's what I loved most and memories I cherish deeply. The first Thanksgiving Matt and I spent together, I took him to meet my family up North. They grew to love and accept him immediately and that was very important to me. I knew he'd met their approval. Holidays get harder because of the distance and I can't always make it up there to see them. What's hardest is that I have family right here and I can't see them. I always wonder if I'll run into them at the store or see them in passing; how would they respond or would they even acknowledge me. Many times I've heard the phrase "you are not my daughter" and it just rips my heart out over and over again. Yet somehow, each time I allow them back into my life, I can forgive and forget those horrid words. My heart is a f...

It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion…you know its coming and you know that unless you are Superman, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. That’s how I felt yesterday when the ex shared the news of his upcoming nuptials as well as the new addition to his family. First, let me say that what he does with his life is not my concern and I could care less. Congrats. But when it comes to my children…that’s entirely different. Nate’s reaction didn't surprise me. It usually doesn't  He’s so laid back and at times, care free. He was just indifferent. McKenzie …she hasn't spoken to or seen him for a better part of a month or so. Some issues happened and she just decided she’d had enough. Or at least that’s what I could gather. So when he shared his news with her all that changed. I’m not gonna deny it, I will pretty upset. Mainly because I saw a flash forward of how badly this would all turn out. A new baby? Yeah…we all know how that...